Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

Zeke had talked me into getting a tattoo. It took me about two weeks before I finally decided to just let him do his thing. There are four, pink, stargazer lilies on my right side. The first lily starts right where my bra lies - it was a fun time while that was healing - and the last one sits on my right hip. There are intricate lines that wrap all around the lilies, making it look even more striking and feminine. It hurt like a bitch and I whined the whole time but Zeke said I handled it like a champ. Once I got one I couldn’t stop. My next trip was for a tattoo and a piercing. The piercing is a dermal anchoring on my left hip that acted as a center for another flower that Zeke tattooed a week later. I am getting the other side done in the next week or so.

While life continued I do my best to move forward, but there isn’t a day that I don’t think about Mason. I miss him so much. Some days I feel like picking up the phone, just so I could hear that raspy voice that I longed for. I never do though, because the pain would only be worse in the end. I delete Mason from my Facebook account; change my email address and cell phone number. I feel like this is the only way to try and erase him from my life. I have to try to move on. Despite my progress, most nights I cry myself to sleep. One of the first few days I was there Logan heard me crying. He climbed in my bed and held me, trying to soothe my sadness. At first, being in arms not belonging to Mason felt foreign but there was something familiar about Logan’s embrace. He managed to ease my sobs until they were nothing more than a few stray tears and I fell fast asleep. It was the most peaceful sleep I’d had since things with Mason ended. From that night forward I have shared a bed with Logan. In the mornings Logan returns to his room and I go about my day. We haven’t talked about our sleeping arrangements but I feel a change with Logan. After he and I both get home from work I would catch him watching me. He always fixes me a plate of food while he gets his. Logan allows me to shower before him. I wonder about that one because he’s in there for an awfully long time after I get out. I try not to think about it but if I’m honest it kind of feels good knowing I affect him.

Just this morning, when I woke up, Logan was watching me sleep. I could feel his eyes on me before I even opened mine. When I rolled on my side to face him he lifted my chin so he could look me in the eyes. His face inched closer to mine, I froze. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this with Logan just yet but then I told myself to relax and Logan kissed my cheek, before rolling out of bed and leaving me there with my thoughts. Could this routine become something more? Could I actually start another relationship? Was I ready? Was Logan the right person to try that with? All these question swarm in my head.

After I’d finished getting ready for work I went downstairs to get my coffee. Logan was standing in the kitchen. He winked at me when I walked over to the coffee maker.

“Morning.”

I laughed, “Morning.”

I glanced down at the coffee maker and I see my travel mug is already made and waiting for me. I looked up to Logan smiling at me.

“Thank you.” I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on his cheek but he turned and I kiss him on the lips. I freeze mid-kiss. His lips were different but familiar too. They weren’t the soft, pouty ones that I craved but they were warm and inviting. After a few seconds I broke off the kiss and stared at Logan in shock.

Logan mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “No you are not.”

He walked towards the fridge, “You’re right. I’m not.”

I smiled. I think I am actually ok with the kiss . “Don’t let it happen again.” I joked with him.

“Okay, whatever you say.” Logan said with his head shoved in the fridge, looking for something.

I grabbed my travel mug and started to walk away from him so that I could get to work on time but as I passed by him his hand came out and smacked me on the ass. “See you later, honey.”

I squeaked in surprise. I didn’t answer him back as I walked out of the house with a big ass smile on my face. Today was going to be a great day. The sun is shining, it’s not too hot and I just got my first, post Mason, kiss and I’m okay.

We’re on the road again, I can tell from the bed I’m sleeping in. It’s hard as a rock and the pillow is flat. I hate flat pillows. I don’t want to wake up just yet but the heat radiating on my back is making me uncomfortable. I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t give a shit. I have to do something to take away the stabbing pain in my chest, even if it’s only for a few hours.

I open my eyes; blink a few times to clear the fog. The room is still spinning, my stomach clenches. I take a deep breath and try to push it away. When I’m sure I’m not going to puke I notice the pasty white arm draped over my bronze skin, it doesn’t belong there. I try to move onto my back but her body is right up against me. Fuck it. I need a shower. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and start to sit up. I look around the room and there are clothes strewn everywhere. The lamp that was on the dresser has fallen over in my drunken frenzy with the cleat chaser who’s now in my bed. My clothes bag that was on the chair near the window is now empty. All my clothes are wrinkled and piled next to it. I stand up, letting the sheet fall to the ground, and make my way to the bathroom. The full length mirror that I pass on the way still has my hand prints from where I took her up against it. I reach in, turn the shower on as hot as it will go and step in. The shower doors click shut and it echoes. Even with the shower running it’s too quiet, I can’t stand when it’s quiet because then my mind starts wandering back to Hailey. It’s been months and I feel like I’m drowning. I thought the pain would have eased up by now but it hasn’t. Not at all.

Growling in frustration I quickly wash and turn off the water. As I’m stepping out, the girl, whose name I can’t remember, walks into the bathroom. I grimace at the sight of her; damn, those beer goggles were really working last night. She’s like a twig, and I hate that. Her rib cage, collarbone, and hip bones are sticking out. I like a girl with some meat on her bones; I want something to hold onto while I’m driving into her.

“Morning,” She croons.

Her voice sends a convulsion right through me. I need to get the hell out of here and fast.

I wrap the towel around me, tightly, walk over to the sink and brush my teeth.

“Morning,”

“It’s still the middle of the night, why don’t you come back to bed and we’ll pick up where we left off?” She says as she walks over to me and places her hands on my shoulders. I shiver but not in a good way, she repulses me. I can’t believe I fucked her last night, and where the hell was Cooper when I left with her? Cooper, that son of a bitch.

I try to play it cool, “Nah, I’m good. I’ve got some shit I have to take care of. You can see yourself out, I’m not gonna be back until sometime late tonight.” I turn and walk away from her before she can even respond.

I walk over and swipe my rumpled clothes from the floor. I find a pair of Nike basketball shorts, stick one leg in, and then out of the corner of my eye I see whatever her name is lean against the sink. Shit! I have to get out of here now. I can’t handle it when girls cry; she knew this wasn’t going to go anywhere. I pick up the first shirt I find, which just happens to be one of Hailey’s favorites, and tug it on over my head. I grab my wallet and cell off the nightstand, heaving at the smell of sex on the bed sheets. I hold my breath; slip on my Nike Sliders and bolt to the door without giving the girl another look.