Lyra Parish - Weak Without Him

Finnley stood at the windows with his hands behind his back, waiting for me, shirtless. The bandages on his left side and on his back looked freshly changed. I hated seeing him like this. To take my mind from it, I searched around the room and noticed the abstract paintings. They were reminiscent of big cities, like New York, Vegas, and London. I didn't pay any attention to them the first time I entered.

"Who painted those?"

Finnley turned around and stared at me. "I did."

"Were you going to tell me you painted? Or spoke French? Or that Forrest Gump is your favorite movie?"

"Luketon. He may regret telling you those things before it's all said and done. Come here."

I went to his good side, and he wrapped his arm around me and held me. He smelled my hair, every bit of me, and I did the same to him. I missed him so much it hurt. Finnley cared about me. I knew he did by his actions alone, but I found myself feeling like I wasn't good enough. What did I have to offer? Why would he risk himself for me? Being underground with the trash of the sex industry really uncovered my ugly insecurities.

"What do I have to offer a man who can have anyone and anything he wants in the world?"

"Why are you thinking that way?" He grabbed the bottom of my chin and forced me to look into his eyes. His hands were so warm, and his touch so soft, that I shuddered.

"Christmas is a few days away. I've got nothing for you."

"Who cares about Christmas? All I've ever asked is for you to give yourself, all of you, to me. And I hate to break it to you Jennifer, but I don't think any amount of money can force you to do something you don't want to do. Ultimately you, just you, that's what I want. You make me happy."

I pulled away from him and searched his face. The words he spoke were exactly what any girl would want to hear from him. I hated to ruin the moment, but that's what I did best. I sighed.

"What?"

"What about Abbie? I never understood that situation."

His eyebrows creased, and he squeezed my shoulder. "What are you hinting at Jennifer?"

"You were going to fuck her. When I was trapped in that room with a dirty fucking shower and mattress, it was one of the things that haunted me. It's a skeleton in the closet that I can't seem to get over. It's those types of things nightmares are created from."

"Nightmares? I think you're exaggerating, Miss Downs. Don't make it into something it's not. Nightmares are being kidnapped, beat to fucking death, and drugged. Not that. You survived nightmares."

"It made me not trust you."

"After everything?" He sarcastically laughed. "You truly want to know? Abbie and I spent time together while you were recovering, and I wanted to know you, the real you that she knew. You interested me, and I was curious. So I approached her. She said you hadn't mentioned liking anyone, or being with anyone. You actually said no one in Vegas had even caught your eye or meant anything to you. She was convincing, and I believed her. She's your best fucking friend, Jennifer, and you didn't even tell her about me. I knew you wouldn't talk about your feelings to any of The Elite, but to your childhood best friend who knew everything about you? If you had mentioned me to anyone, I knew it would have been her. But you didn't."

"I...I..."

"I can get the truth out of any woman. She stressed the point that you were happy being single. I couldn't take happiness away from you."

I swallowed, and he continued.

"What? You don't want the fucking truth? Well it's raw, Jennifer. You wanted it, and you'll get it. I was vulnerable. She filled the void with her presence and said you didn't care about anyone. The only thing she had heard about me was how much of a controlling asshole I was. How much you hated me. How you wished you hadn't signed the contract, and how Finnley Felton was the biggest dickhead you'd ever met. Apparently, I meant absolutely nothing. Those were your words. To hear that come from her mouth made me rethink you. Made me question your intent. Made me feel like a player who had been played. And I wondered why would she lie? A part of me told me that she didn't. That you had really said those things, and it fucking hurt. I needed to know that I didn't need you. If you hated me that badly... I wanted to truly give you a reason to hate me. I spent days dwelling over it, and I became numb. No woman had ever made me feel that way. But when I saw your face. When I saw the look on your face and the reaction you had when you walked in and stopped one of the biggest mistakes in my life, I knew it was a lie. I knew that you cared. You had feelings for me and I was a fuck-up for thinking otherwise."

I had said those things about Finnley. She improvised a bit, but that was the gist. Finnley was my best-kept secret. Hadn't he made me his? I felt like a fucking hypocritical idiot. We weren't together at that time, and he owed me no answers. He could have fucked whoever he wanted. This was the most honest he had been with me, ever.

"What about Nancy, Finn? You cheated on her with me."

He walked toward me, pinned me against the wall, and leaned into my ear.

"You're still demonizing me. Will you ever stop?"

My voice caught, and he moved to the view of the mountains. Finnley was all about control.

"That Friday, Nancy wanted to go shopping. I joined her. She forced me into a jewelry shop to look at bracelets, necklaces, and rings. Engagement rings, more specifically. She tried them on and gushed about carats and her dream wedding, but the whole time she was talking, all I could think about was you, because Jennifer Downs wouldn't leave my fucking thoughts. I was going mad, imagining arguing with you, you on my kitchen table, the way you looked into my eyes at the office as I told you Luke was ready.

"Something came over me as I listened to Nancy ramble on about making all of her monetary dreams come true. As I watched her, I asked myself what the fuck I was doing. Sometimes it takes the brain a while to catch up with the heart.

"As she continued on, I interrupted Nancy and told her it was over. The engagement ring gleamed on her finger. As I stormed out, I called Charlie to pick her up, then ran through the streets and hailed a cab. Once I got home, I drove V faster than I ever had to Luke's house. I knew then I had to have you. That this couldn't be happening, not when I finally felt something as extraordinary as love. Something that I truly didn't believe existed in my darkness. If I stood around fucking off, I would have lost you forever, and I had lost too much already."

How could I think I knew someone so well, but really didn't know him at all? Behind his steely gaze was a burning love, adoration, and care... for me. The pieces all fit together. How he busted into Luke's house in a frenzy, the way he laughed at me in the hot tub. Finn had already played his hand, but I was on a completely different game. Always two steps behind. Everything I previously thought had been shaken and stirred around.

"So, Miss Downs, quit making me out to be a bloody arsehole. While I can hang with the lot of them, the only person I ever wanted, and will ever want as long as my heart beats, is you."

He tucked a piece of fallen hair behind my ear, his fingertips grazing down my neck, and whispered, "I may be a bastard, but I am no cheater."

Emotions flooded me. Almost so strong I couldn't control the coursing heat that swept through my body. Finnley was right, all of this time, before he had rescued me, I had secretly demonized him, but for no reason. Maybe between the two of us, I was the bloody arsehole. While I was busy pointing the finger, he was busy keeping me in his best interest, protecting me, searching for me when I was lost.

"Love is like color," Finnley said.