Lyra Parish - Weak Without Him

"Don’t be sorry, Jennifer. You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do, so stop being regretful. I can see it painted across your face. I do what I want, when I want… remember."

I leaned my head on the same pillow and positioned myself to face him. I made sure to not make any sudden movements.

"Right. Will that ever change?" We smiled at each other, and he barely shook his head. The answer would always be no.

"I've missed you so much. I didn't think you'd ever find me."

"I will always find you."

If I were away, it certainly wasn't because I wanted to be.

I ran my fingers across his lips. "I need to go back to Texas, even if it's for just a few weeks. When I was kidnapped, I realized that all of my life I've run away from my problems instead of facing them head-on. I’m ready to fight my demons. I’m ready to put my parents’ death to rest and really move forward with living."

I moved from his face to his hair, and he closed his eyes. The moment continued to push forward, and I didn’t want it to end.

"I never thought I would be stabbed and shot while trying to save you. I didn’t figure that into the equation."

I opened my eyes, and he stared at me. "Finnley."

He placed his finger over my lips to shush me.

"I’m not finished. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret any moment I’ve spent with you. Jennifer Downs, sometimes love is worth dying for. Sometimes love is worth risking everything. Life’s been an experience for me since I met you, a roller coaster ride that is never ending, but one that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Since I met you, I have truly lived. And if you want to go home, I’ll go with you, because I am not letting you go alone. Not while—"

"Not while what?"

"Not while… Not while Jesse hunts you. This is far from over and I don't think she will stop until you're dead. But that's not going to fucking happen. I won't let it."

The elephant in the room grew at a smothering rate. They must not have found her when they saved me. Bile rose in the pit of my stomach, and I thought I would be sick. The psychopath was on the loose, and she had my name on her tongue. She wouldn’t stop until… I wouldn’t think about it. I couldn’t.

"You’re safe with me. I will never let anything happen to you. Ever. I will die making sure you’re okay."

Anger flashed on his face, then washed away.

"My mother says I look like my father. That we have the same build, hair, and laugh."

He ran his fingers through my hair as he changed the subject.

"Franklin is a good man. He raised me like his own son. He was the only real father I ever knew. But I couldn't help but wonder about the man who created me. When I went to Columbia, a few professors that taught my father were still there. I was a spitting image but with different eyes, they would say. Apparently, he never lost an argument and was eager to succeed. Undoubtedly, I am my father's child, but he wasn't invincible, and neither am I. I understand that now. My mother never got over my father. People may die, but love can live forever, and I want to be here for you, Jennifer. I want to share my days with you."

I sat up and looked into his eyes. He smiled, and I leaned in and kissed him. When our lips touched, a jolt traveled through my body, and my breathing increased. His kisses deepened, so I moved closer to him. He winced.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

"It's alright. I've missed you so much, and now that you're here, there's this." He turned the blanket down. I glanced at his bare chest and the bandages on his side. "Me, being this useless. Never thought that would fucking happen."

"You're not useless. You're injured, there's a difference."

"It could be months or years until I'm back to normal. May have to go to physical therapy too, but I'm returning to work as early as next week. The show must go on."

The door clicked and Luke entered. My body tensed, and Finnley rubbed his thumb over my fingers. I hadn't seen Luke since… I couldn't relive it. I didn't want to remember the horrible things he said to me.

Finnley searched my face but a reaction never came. I'd learned to shut Luke out weeks ago. Luke stood at the doorway, and Finnley patted my leg and sent me away with a head nod. I looked at him.

"Go on. You two need to talk. Don't prolong it."

I laughed at his assertiveness. One quick movement and he wouldn't be so big and bad, but even I knew the discussion between Luke and I needed to happen so we could move on. But I dreaded it. I sighed and slowly slid off the bed. Luke exited, and before I followed, I looked at Finnley, and he smiled. I pursed my lips at him and shook my head. When I closed the door, Luke stood against the wall with his arms crossed. I did the same thing.

His eyes were bruised, and his lip was busted. I couldn't help but stare at how beaten and broken his face looked. He looked like hell.

"So," he said.

"So."

We stood there for minutes, not saying a single word. Abbot hummed Christmas music, and we both turned our heads and stared at him.

"Scrooges," he said before walking down the stairs.

"What's today?" I asked.

"December twenty-third ."

"Christmas is in two days."

I had lost three and a half weeks of my life. Three long, agonizing weeks full of psychological games.

"I did it to save you, Jennifer."

"You could have at least fucking warned me. Shed some light on the plan."

"You were being watched while you were there. It had to seem real to you."

I scoffed. "Do you think I'm an idiot, Luke?"

"There was no truth in what I said and did. Okay, well maybe some of it, but I never meant to hurt you. If she had an inkling of me faking, Jesse would have killed you on principle alone. She knew I cared about you. We were nothing more than pawns in her game, and I played her game for you. I hated every minute of it."

"It wasn't enjoyable for me either."

"Because I did what I had to, you are here with my brother, alive. The way you're supposed to be. I know you won't trust me for a while, but it was for your sake. It killed me every time I had to treat you like trash. It killed me to hear you say the things you did, to have you look at me with so much disgust in your eyes. I had to hit you so hard that I left welts, and I have to live with that. I knew you hated me. But having you hate me, and knowing you were alive, made it all worth it, and I would do it again. I had you and my brother's best interests in mind, and I always will."

"Luke."

"You don't have to forgive me for the things I did and said."

"Luke. I get it. I completely understand. I do. It's just hard to look at you, and it's awkward. You scared me. You were fucking cruel. I know I will get over it, but I need time. You cared enough to be someone that you aren't, I hope."

Luke laughed and opened his arms. I hesitated and then went to him. There was no sexual tension between us, nothing more than two friends. It would take a while for me to forget the things he said and did, but eventually I would. Could I really trust him though? He loved his brother, he loved me, and he wanted us together. The lengths that he went through made that quite obvious.

"What happened to your face?" I asked.

"Finnley beat the shit out of me."

We released our embrace and exchanged a small moment before I walked away.

"Thank you." I grabbed the doorknob and turned to look at him before I returned to Finnley. The last time I said that to him was in London after he told me to go to Finn. I let out a sarcastic laugh, because I had come full circle.

Luke nodded his head and gave me another one of his signature smiles before turning and walking away. One day he would make someone very happy, and he deserved that.