Tessa Teevan - Incinerate

Swallowing hard, I take a deep breath, not sure if I can do this. Make small talk when I know what’s about to happen. “He’s Dad. More irritated by all the attention than what actually happened. I feel bad for Olivia having to deal with him.”

I can barely see the small smile cross his lips. I’m wishing it wasn’t so dark, because I need to see him. To read his expressions. “I think she’ll be able to handle him just fine.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes until it becomes too much to bear. “What’s going on, Knox? Why are you pulling away from me? You’ve been acting weird ever since I told you how I feel, and maybe you weren’t ready, but I’m not sorry for saying it.”

I’m holding my breath, waiting for him to respond. Setting his guitar down, he turns to face me, but all I can see are dark shadows on his face. “You think this is about you telling me you love me?” he asks, and I’m more than confused.

“That’s the only explanation I can come up. Nothing else has happened, and we’ve only been here, the hospital, and the gym since then. I can’t think of any other reason for you to be acting this way, for you to be shutting me out. And I can kind of get it. The last time someone said those words to you, she betrayed you in the worst way possible. But I’m not her. I’m not Megan.”

I watch as he swallows hard, rubbing his hand over his head. “This has nothing to do with Megan. I know you’re not her. There’s no fucking comparison there, and I’m over what happened to me in the past. But what I don’t know is if you are. I saw you with him. I read your lips. Right after his lips had been on yours. You can’t love us both, Charlie.”

My heart stops, and while I could be kicking myself for not having said something sooner, I decide to get angry. We’ve been over this. He promised me that he trusted me, but apparently he doesn’t. So I don’t get sad. I don’t get disappointed. I don’t start weeping or begging for his forgiveness. No, I get pissed. Really fucking pissed. And right now, all I see is freaking red.

Knox

I CAN’T believe she thinks my issue stems from her telling me she loves me. Well, okay, I can, and I know I should’ve told her sooner what was bothering me. It’s just that the more I’ve had time dwell on it, the more I’ve convinced myself that she isn’t over her ex. I saw how teary-eyed she got at the wedding, and it scares me that it wasn’t from the vows but from the reminder that she was supposed to be the one with a ring on her finger, walking down the aisle, saying her vows. I know that’s the future she wants, and I’ve never let her know that I want that, too. So instead of being an adult and just telling her what’s on my mind, I’ve reverted back to the asshole I was when we first met, trying somehow to salvage that wall around my heart, hoping to have some protection when she tells me she’s going back to him.

“Are you crazy?!” she exclaims, practically screeching as she flies out of her chair. It catches me off guard because my girl doesn’t screech.

“I know what I saw, Charlie,” is all I can say. It sounds lame, even to me. Rising to my feet, I’m almost instantly pushed back when she crosses to me, poking me in the chest.

“For your information, what you saw was Drew letting me go. What you saw was him realizing that I love you more than I ever did him. What you saw was me saying I’d love him as a friend. That was it! He stopped by to check on Dad, and me, because we spent years together, Knox. I’m not like you. I know how to forgive. I don’t permanently shut out those who hurt me. So yeah, I accepted his apology and I’m over it. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to be sending him Christmas cards every year, but I won’t turn and run away when I see him on campus.”

I know she’s still talking, but I can’t get past the whole she-loves-me-more-than-she-ever-did-him part. And in that moment, I get the sinking feeling that I just royally fucked up, much more than I ever have before with her.

“Sweetheart—” I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Don’t you dare ‘sweetheart’ me right now. I can already see it by the look on your face that you’ve just realized what an ass you are, but don’t even think about apologizing. I don’t want your ‘I’m sorry.’ I don’t need to hear that you were wrong, it was just a misunderstanding, or any other excuse from you.”

“I’m not—” Again, she doesn’t let me get more than two words out.

“I don’t want any of that. You know what I do want? Your trust. Your respect. Your love. I want you to trust that I love you. That you’re the only man for me and no one else comes close. I want you to respect me to make my own decisions when it comes to how I handle my past relationships. I want you to love me, to love me more fiercely, more deeply, more passionately than you’ve ever loved anything in your life. I want you to love me to the point that you can’t breathe when I’m not around, so much so that you can’t imagine a minute of your life without me in it. Because, Knox, that’s the way that I love you.”

Her voice starts to get shaky, and she takes a deep breath before she lifts her chin, looking directly into my eyes. I can see the tears forming in her own, but by will of what I’m guessing is sheer force, she doesn’t let them fall.

“But you don’t, do you? I actually think you do love me, but you’re too scared to admit it. And that’s okay. I don’t need you to say the words out loud for me to know what’s in your heart, because I can feel it. But that’s not enough. You don’t trust me, no matter how many times I have to tell you that you’re the only one I want. And I won’t build a relationship without trust. I can’t—I won’t—be with someone who doesn’t trust me, no matter much it hurts to say goodbye.”

My mind’s reeling, trying to process what the hell she’s saying, but by the time I can formulate any words, she’s already walking away.

“You say you’re over it, but I’m not sure you are. Figure it out, Knox. I won’t wait around forever,” she says, and with that, she goes inside, leaving me alone in the dark, trying to figure out where the hell it all went wrong. Nothing about this has to do with Megan. It has to do with the fact that another man was kissing her. Yeah, maybe I should’ve asked about it instead of acting like an idiot, but how the fuck was I supposed to ask the girl I love if she’s still in love with her ex?

When I walk inside a few minutes later, Charlie’s heading down the hall towards the front door with an overnight bag. My heart plummets, and I can’t believe we’re here. She’s leaving and she’s taking my heart with her.

Stopping her as she passes by me, I pull her in, and while she doesn’t wrap her arms around me, she doesn’t move away. “You don’t need to leave, sweetheart. We can work this out.”

Shaking her head, she pulls out of my embrace. It isn’t until she’s halfway out the door that she turns back and looks at me. “No, Knox. Until you work things out yourself, I don’t think we can.” And just like that, I’m alone. I already fucking miss her. I should go after her, fight for her, tell her that I do love her, I do trust her. But like she said, I need to respect her, respect that this is what she wants. My heart’s pounding and my mind’s screaming to run after her, but I don’t. Instead, I watch her go, wondering how in the hell I’m going to fix this.

Knox

STARING AT the calendar on my desk, I realize it’s been almost eight months since the explosion. Nearly six months since Charlie came into my life. Four since we’ve been a couple. And almost three days since she walked out of my house, but hopefully not out of my life.