Lauren Willig - Masque of the Black Tulip

She rested her right hand against the table and leaned towards Colin. "How is darling Serena?"

Colin lazily tilted his head in my direction. "How would you say she is, Eloise?"

"You've seen her more recently than I have," I replied in bewilderment.

"But you were the one who took such charming care of her when she was ill the other night." Colin smiled beatifically at me before turning back to Joan, saying in a confidential tone, "We were at a party given by one of Eloise's friends the other night, and Serena felt a bit rough. But Eloise saw to her, didn't you, Eloise?"

There wasn't anything in that statement that one could point to as technically untrue. Pammy had thrown a party, Serena had been taken ill, I had hustled Serena off to the bathroom. Of course, what Colin had neglected to mention was that the party had been a huge PR extravaganza thrown in Pammy's professional capacity, not an intimate little cocktail party; Pammy had invited Serena, along with a whole group of her other old school chums; and I, in my role of Pammy's oldest friend in the world, had been tagging along after Pammy. I had been as surprised to see Colin and Serena as they were to see me. At the time, I had also been laboring under the misapprehension that Serena was Coün's girlfriend, but that was a whole other story.

Put the way Colin had put it, the whole thing did sound pretty damning — and it was clear that Joan was jumping to all the conclusions he wanted her to jump to.

"I thought you were here for the library," she said accusingly.

Colin stretched in that infuriating way men have and rested a casual hand on the back of my chair. It would have been funny if I weren't so miffed; I was sitting far enough away that the tips of his fingers barely brushed the chair back. As it was, he had to scoot slightly sideways in his chair to reach that far.

"Oh, I don't know. Eloise is more of a houseguest, really. Wouldn't you say, Eloise?"

What I wanted to say was unprintable. If there were any family ghosts in residence, I was going to sic them all on him. Headless cavaliers, wailing women in white, you name it. I never liked being the monkey in the middle. Especially when I had not been informed that there was a game in progress.

I directed an acid smile at Colin. "I would never presume."

Colin choked on a laugh. "Yes, you would," he said bluntly. "If there was a historical document in it for you."

Despite myself I started to chuckle. "It would have to be a really, really important historical document."

Thwomp!

Joan's riding helmet smacked down onto the middle of the table between me and Colin, jarring a piece of precariously balanced toast off my plate.

"I'll just be off then, shall I?" she said in saccharine tones. "Colin, you are coming to our little drinks party tomorrow night, aren't you?"

"I don't — " Colin began, but Joan cut him off.

"Absolutely everyone will be there." She began rattling off a list of names, clearly designed to convince Colin that he would be ragingly out of the loop if he didn't don a sport coat and sally forth. I retrieved my toast.

"Nigel and Chloe are coming, and they're bringing Rufus and his new girlfriend. And Bunty Bixler will be there — you do remember Bunty Bixler, don't you, Colin?"

Towards the end, I was convinced she was making up names, just to have more people I wouldn't know. From the look on Colin's face, he didn't recognize half the names, either, and I got the feeling that he wasn't overly fond of Bunty Bixler, whoever that unfortunately named person might be.

Sensing she was losing ground, Joan resorted to desperate tactics. "You can bring — " Joan looked at me blankly.

"Eloise," I provided helpfully.

" — your guest, if you like," she finished, in the tones of one making a great concession. Turning to me, she said hospitably, "Naturally, it won't be terribly amusing for you, not knowing anyone. I suppose you could talk to the vicar. He does enjoy going on about old things.

Churches, and all that." I had been properly relegated to my place, doddering in the corner with the clergy.

After such a gracious invitation, how could I refuse?

"Thank you."

"Of course, if you're too busy in the library…"

I bared my teeth, which weren't nearly as large or white as hers. "I wouldn't miss it."

A muffled snicker emerged from the head of the table.

I looked pointedly at Colin.

"So sorry," he said blandly. "Bean in my throat."

Indeed.

His ill-advised humor had had the well-deserved side effect of refo-cusing Joan's attention on him. "We'll see you tomorrow then, yes? Don't forget, tomorrow night at half-seven."

The kitchen door slapped soundly shut behind her.

I stood, plunking my fork and knife onto my empty plate with a clatter. I had the feeling there was past history there. Colin shifted in his chair behind me.

"No more beans, I take it?"

"No. Thanks." I lifted my plate and carried it to the sink, hearing the thud of hooves fade into the distance. I didn't think the phantom monk of Donwell Abbey would care to mess with her, not in that sort of mood. Outside the kitchen window, true dark had fallen, as it only does in the country. I could see my own reflection against the window, lips thinned in annoyance.

It wasn't any of my business, really.

In the window, I saw Colin approaching, plate in hand. Oh, the hell with that. If he was going to drag me into his amorous misadventures, it was my business. Especially since I was the one running the risk' of being hunted down by an angry Sloane on horseback. I'd rather take the phantom monk. At least the latter would make a better story when I got home.

Plunking plate and cutlery into the sink, I turned so rapidly that Colin nearly ran into me plate first. Objects in the window may be closer than they appear.

Leaning back against the sink to avoid a punctured midriff, I curled my fingers around the metal edge of the basin and said, "Look, I don't mind acting as a human shield, but, next time, a little advance warning would be appreciated."

Or, at least, that's what I meant to say.

What came out was, "I'll do the dishes. Since you cooked."

Damn.

Colin took a step back and made an elaborate sweeping gesture. Having managed to put me on the spot instead of himself, he was in an infuriatingly good humor. "Go along. I'll wash up."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't mind. Go on." He gave me a light shove. "I know you must be eager to get back to the library."

"Well…" There was no disputing that statement.

Colin was already turning the faucets on. "You can cook tomorrow."

"Oh, but you're forgetting." I paused in the doorway. "Tomorrow, you're having drinks with Miss Plowden-Plugge. Good night!"

I swept out of the kitchen into the darkened hallway beyond, hoping I'd be able to find my way to the library. It would entirely spoil my exit if I had to turn around and ask for directions. As long as I could make it to the front hall, I could find my way from there.

It really did get dark in the country, without streetlamps and car headlights and lit storefronts all casting their friendly glow. I felt my way along the hall, one hand on the ribbed wallpaper, the other held warily in front of me, as though to ward off… well, not phantom monks. More small tables and that sort of thing, which have a habit of leaping out at one's shins in unfamiliar hallways. If I did start uncomfortably at a few shadows, and peer a little more closely than necessary through the odd doorway, let's just say I was glad that Colin wasn't there to see.

To take my mind off silly ghost stories, I directed it instead towards the Black Tulip. It was a name straight out of an old Rafael Sabatini novel, like Captain Blood, or the Sea-Hawk. Whoever chose it must have had a strong sense of the dramatic and, unlike Gaston Delaroche, a finely tuned sense of humor, to ape his rivals' noms de guerre so closely. There was no doubt in my mind that the Black Tulip's very name was a mocking riposte to the Scarlet Pimpernel and the Purple Gentian. It was a more grown-up, more clever version of the universal playground chant of "ha, ha, can't catch me."