Филиппа Карр - Saraband for Two Sisters

“Bring my sister to me,” I said.

And she went away.

Half an hour passed and Bersaba did not come. Then there was a knock on my door.

It was Mrs. Cherry again. She had a goblet in her hand.

“I’m so worried about you, my lady. You shouldn’t have gone there. I’ve brought you this. It’ll soothe you. A little vervain because you trembled so ... and pimpernel to cheer you and my dear herb-twopence, which is good for everything. Drink it up.»

“I couldn’t drink anything, Mrs. Cherry. Leave it there.”

She set it down and said, “I couldn’t find Mistress Longridge. She’s out in the gardens with the children. She had said something about gathering holly and ivy for Christmas. Oh, my lady, ‘tis terrible to see you so put out.”

“And Strawberry John has always looked after that... child?»

“He’s a strange man. Some say he’s a bit short and some say he has too much. He has a way with animals and the sick. He’s always looked after the boy and good to him he’s been. The boy would die for him and he for the boy. Tas been a great sadness for the General. We knew soon after he was born. And then the castle seemed the place and he was put there for the General couldn’t bear to look at him. He’d wanted a child-what man doesn’t?-and it was only natural that he should get to wondering what was wrong with him that he should have such as that.”

“So he shut him away and wouldn’t see him.»

“He knew he were safe with Strawberry John.»

“And that night when the noise in the kitchen awakened us?” ‘That was the boy. The door had been left open and he got through. He was only playful like. He was throwing the pots and pans about. It was like a game to him. He’s gentle most times, Strawberry John says. Strawberry John tells me that one day he could be better. He’s getting better ... he doesn’t have the violent turns like he did. He’ll always be different from others ... but one day he might be able to live in a nice house like the son of a gentleman.” She paused and then her brow wrinkled. “Didn’t he tell you?” she said. “There was that night when he broke in. ... Didn’t he tell you then?”

“He’s never told me that he had a son living.”

“The General took it bad. We reckoned that he wouldn’t marry again because he was afraid of himself ... afraid there might be some taint in him like. He used to shut himself in the library and go through all that had happened to his family. We all knew because Jesson saw the papers when he put them away. Then he brought you here ... and it seemed as if he might have another son. But when you had that miscarriage-“ She stopped.

“That was because I had a fright in the Castle Room. You all said it was a nightmare.

Of course I did really see the lights and the face.”

“It was the General’s order, my lady. We dursen’t go against that.” She came close to me and laid her hand on my shoulder. “I hope this hasn’t upset you, my lady. I hope it’s not going to bring on something.”

“I feel all right.”

“And now you’ve seen. You don’t think-you don’t want-“ “What do you mean, Mrs. Cherry?”

“I was wondering whether you’d feel you wanted to get rid of it.”

I stared at her in horror.

“Oh, forgive me, my lady. I shouldn’t have said that. But if you was to have another like that-“ “Stop, Mrs. Cherry. Stop.”

“Yes, my lady. Drink this. It’ll soothe you. I tell you it’ll make you sleep and when you’ve slept you’ll begin to see what all this means. You’ll begin to make plans and-“ “I don’t want to sleep. I want to think about this.”

“Yes, you want to think. There are ways. ... If you was to want to. ... If you was to feel that you couldn’t go on with this... .”

“Mrs. Cherry, please, I don’t want to hear any more. Please go now.”

“Drink up this posset, my lady. I’d like to see you drink that before I go.”

“No, later. Not now. I don’t want to sleep. I want to think and think” She went out and I lay on my bed staring wild-eyed at the ceiling. Bersaba came in. I was so relieved to see her.

“What on earth has happened?” she cried.

I told her that I had been through the tunnel into the castle and that I had seen Richard’s son. “He’s an idiot,” I said. “That’s the secret of the castle. That’s why we are not to go there.”

“Yes,” she said.

“You knew?”

“Yes, I knew.”

“How did you know?”

“Richard told me.”

“He told you, but not me!”

“He was afraid that it would upset you, that you would be worried about having children.”

“He was right. I am.”

“You must not think of it,” she said. “It does not mean that because one was born like that... others will be.”

‘Why should a child be born like that?”

“Something goes wrong.”

“But it could be something in the parents.”

‘Why should it necessarily be in Richard? It might have been some fault in his wife.”

“Yet he kept it a secret. How could he have done that to his own son!»

“How can you judge what other people should do? How could he have that boy in this house? He did the next best thing. He put him in the castle, built the wall, and gave him a good guardian. What else could he do?”

“You defend him.”

“I’m trying to see his point of view. The boy has been cared for all these years.”

“It must be fifteen years,” I said.

“What made you go through that cupboard door?”

“Because I was curious.”

“So that was why you kept talking about it.”

“You wouldn’t go with me. I know now why. You knew what was there.”

“I wish you hadn’t found out now... at this stage.”

“What worries me, Bersaba, is this: What if my child should be-“ “Put such thoughts out of your mind. It’s folly to think like that.»

“How can I put thoughts out of my mind when they persist in being there? How would you feel if you were in my place? I keep thinking of that... boy. His face haunts me. I’m terrified, Bersaba. If it happened once-“ “It was foolish of you to go exploring now. Why didn’t you tell me what you were going to do?”

“The Cherrys have kept the secret. Just think of it. Everyone in this house knew except me. I was the only one in the dark.”

“It was important that you should be in the dark.”

“I... Richard’s wife ... closer to him than any ... and not to be told!”

“Be reasonable. You were going to bear his child. It was sensible not to tell you. Look at you now. Look at the effect it has had on you. Now, you are going to fret and fume.”

“Mrs. Cherry suggested... that it could be stopped.”

“What!”

“She says that even now-“ “You are mad. Mrs. Cherry is mad. I shall speak to her. How dare she say such a thing!»

“I am mistress of this house, Bersaba, though sometimes I think you fancy that you are.”

She turned and went out of the room.

I could not sleep. How long the night seemed. I dared not sleep, for if I did I knew my dreams would be terrible. All the fears of the last months had been nothing compared with those which beset me now. I pictured my child being born. I could hear Richard’s saying, “He ... or she... must go to the castle.”

There was no hot milk by my bed on this night, but Mrs. Cherry’s posset was still there, untouched.

I almost decided to drink it but I knew it would send me to sleep and I did not want to sleep because of those nightmares I feared.

My door was being opened very slowly. I felt my heart begin to pound. Was this the one I was waiting for, the one I had promised myself I would try to catch? Bersaba came and stood by my bed.