Jennifer Murgia: Leminscate

Sage Fisher kept up while rummaging through her tiny handbag, pursing her glossy, pink lips together until at last, she found a stick of gum. She absentmindedly flicked the wrapper from her fingers, where it floated weightlessly to the floor. Doing my best to ignore them, I turned to my locker again.

Finding my English textbook became utterly important all of a sudden.

Their leader, Brynn Hanson, was moments away from the quad where my locker stood. I stared into the cavernous metal opening and held my breath.

Synchronized footsteps slowed behind me, then abruptly stopped and I sighed, having no choice but to turn and face her.

“I heard about Friday,” Brynn cocked her head to one side and narrowed her eyes.

“The charity dinner?” crooned Lauren from behind us.

Brynn quickly shot her hand up, silencing her obnoxious friend. There was only one person she was giving her attention to right now.

“All I’m saying is if you’re nice to me for your mom’s sake don’t expect any reciprocation. Come Monday morning, you’ll mean nothing to me, just like any other day,” she hissed through her smile.

“Don’t worry, the feeling’s mutual,” I chided back.

Brynn shot me another meaningful glare, then looked me up and down, taking in my dressed down attire for P.E. Her eyes settled on the dampened hem of my sweatpants and her mouth turned up in disgust; then they proceeded to walk away. I could feel my face burn with anger and embarrassment.

Practically everyone was soaked from the rain this morning, everyone except Brynn, whose little leather shoes were dry and perfect. Within moments, Ryan Jameson emerged by my side, his backpack slung over his shoulder as he stared after the entourage.

“What was that all about?” he asked.

“Nothing I can’t handle.” I sighed heavily and slammed my locker shut.

This was a new year. My senior year. Yet I couldn’t help reliving the past in these last ten seconds. It seemed like yesterday I was at my locker with Claire, my best friend in the whole world. We were approached by Brynn, who never seemed to have anything nice to say and, just before the bell rang, Ryan showed up. Ryan had been Claire’s boyfriend at the time. Now, he seemed to be the only person besides Garreth who bothered to give me the time of day.

The morning bell rang, giving us three minutes to get to homeroom.

“Don’t take any of her crap, Teagan,” he offered. “By the way, what was she all fired up about?”

A few sophomores walking by stared at me, probably wondering why I deserved Brynn’s attention. I shuddered. Any interaction with Brynn left me with a residual aftertaste that was highly unpleasant.

“My mom came up with a brainy idea. A nice, homey dinner with the very established doctor and his very demonic stepdaughter. Ugh.” Hideous regurgitation sounds mockingly escaped my lips, leaving Ryan laughing.

“You’re pretty funny when you’re being immature,” he was wiping the corners of his eyes.

“Gee, thanks.”

We rounded the corner, shoving our way across the crowded hall’s intersection toward our homerooms in the science wing.

“You know what I mean, Tea, and of course I think you’re mature. It’s just that Brynn really does bring out the best in you,” his eyes were smiling behind the seriousness.

“What did you just say?”

“That … Brynn brings out the best in you.” He hesitated, not quite sure what I was getting at.

“No, you called me ‘Tea’.”

“Is that okay?” I felt the nervousness rolling off of him.

Our friendship had become sort of topsy-turvy. When we first met he was the perpetually happy boyfriend of my now late best friend, but later I witnessed the cruel, destructive puppet he had become for Hadrian. Since the summer, Ryan had been on a tough road finding himself, little by little revealing snippets of the real him. Every so often, when he was willing to let his guard down, another layer would slough off. I knew deep down how hard it must be for him. To trust me. To be my friend. In a way we were both robbed by Hadrian. Robbed of ourselves. But more importantly, we share the loss of one special person. Claire.

“Besides my mom, Claire was the only other person who called me ‘Tea’,” I explained.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to remind you.”

I shuffled my shoes back and forth, then looked up into Ryan’s face. He looked like a puppy waiting to be reprimanded.

“No, it’s okay,” I instinctively reached out and rubbed his arm. “Really. Now and then things come out that remind me of her, that’s all.”

“Yeah,” he said, still looking uncomfortable.

“Being reminded of her is okay though. I like to think of her; makes me feel like she’s still here.”

The light came back into his eyes and I knew I had said the right thing.

“She used to call you that all the time. You were always Tea, never Teagan, to her,” he muttered reflectively. “That’s just who you are to me.”

A gratuitous smile slipped across my lips just as the second bell rang and then he turned and walked across the hall, disappearing through the door of his classroom. I felt a little hollow just then as I walked past the other desks to my own. A sea of questions floated in front of me. I could grab any one of them and still come up empty. What to think? What to feel? I didn’t quite know at the moment.

I suppose it was a small trade. Claire for Ryan. With Claire’s family moved away now, Ryan was the next best thing—the only tie left to her here. What would Claire think? A tiny part of me wanted to believe that she already knew; maybe even planned it. Ryan was the only one who knew and loved Claire as much as I did.

My thoughts shifted to my mother and the happiness I felt I was constantly blocking her from. I slumped further down in my seat, the weight of guilt holding me down like an iron grip. They had both lost someone too. Not the same person, but one of the same significance. I rolled my eyes at myself, hoping no one would catch on to the silent conversation I was having with my conscience. Was putting up with Brynn every Friday worth my mother’s happiness? I sighed deeply. Of course it was.

Damn! Why couldn’t Brynn be the slightest bit tolerable?

But I already knew the answer.

Because nothing ever came easy.

Nothing that was worth having anyway.

“So how do you think you did?” Garreth asked, placing his hand at the small of my back as we shuffled out the door.

I drew in a deep sigh. “All right, I guess.” Thank goodness calculus was over. Now I just had to sweat it out waiting for Mr. Malone to get the grades in.

We edged our way to the south hall, in the direction of my locker.

“Just for the record, it was a little hard,” Garreth said sincerely.

“A little hard?” I said back, my eyebrows arched with skepticism. I knew he was joking. “Go on, admit it. The test was a piece of cake for you.”

“Well …” he couldn’t contain the smile any longer.

I leaned toward him, whispering, “And where do Guardians learn calculus?”

He leaned in, playing along with my little game, “From the great Angelic Encyclopedia.”

I pulled back slightly.

“You are joking, aren’t you? There’s no such thing.”

“Not a thing, but a who,” Garreth’s striking blue eyes were serious.

“And whom might that be?”

“That would be Mathur. He gives us wisdom.”

“Really? Mathur?” I asked as I opened my locker, tossing my backpack and folders inside and grabbing my granola bar and Dr. Pepper from the top shelf. My stomach was beginning to rumble with hunger.

Garreth just nodded, smiling.