Michael Ford: Jane Vows Vengeance

Jane pulled away. “You don’t want to marry me,” she said. Her lip began to tremble.

“Of course I want to marry you,” said Walter. “But not if it’s going to put you in an institution. And I’m not talking about postponing the entire wedding. Just this one.”

“This one?” Jane said. “I don’t understand.”

“We could have two weddings,” Walter explained. “One would be just for us. We can do it during our trip. Then, when we come back and we have more time to plan, we can do it again for all of our friends.”

Jane considered this plan. “Can we do that?” she asked. “Just get married, I mean.”

“I don’t see why not,” said Walter. “All we really need is the marriage license. It doesn’t matter where we have the actual wedding. We can take it with us and have someone marry us wherever we want to.”

“You really wouldn’t mind?” Jane said.

Walter shook his head. “I don’t care where I marry you, or what you wear, or whether you’re carrying a bouquet of daisies from the A&P or a bunch of—what did you scream earlier?”

“Casablanca lilies?” said Jane.

“No, the other one,” Walter said.

“Stephanotis?” Jane suggested.

“A bouquet of stephanotis,” said Walter. “All I care about is marrying you.”

“It really would be less stressful,” Jane said. Then a horrible thought came to her. “But what about your mother? She won’t like this at all.”

Walter smiled. “Don’t worry about her,” he said. “I have a cunning plan. I’ll explain it at the war council this morning.”

“War council” was what Walter had come to call the daily meeting between Jane, Lucy, and Miriam as they attempted to pull together a wedding in record time. Really, it was just the three of them sitting in the kitchen of Jane and Walter’s house as Jane and Miriam quarreled over the details and Lucy played referee and did the bulk of the actual work.

And so at several minutes past eleven in the morning, Walter stood before the three women and announced in a firm voice, “The wedding is off.”

“Only temporarily,” Jane added as she saw Miriam start to leap to her feet with a triumphant expression.

Miriam remained seated and scowled. “What kind of nonsense is this?” she said. “I thought you wanted to be married before you go on this ridiculous trip of yours.”

“We’re going to get married in Europe,” Walter told her. “In England. That’s where Jane’s family is from, so it’s a way to include them.”

“But they’re dead ,” Miriam said, looking pointedly at Jane.

“It’s symbolic, Mother,” said Walter.

“We’ll have another wedding when we come back,” Jane added. “You know, with a dress and flowers and shrimp puffs.”

Miriam snorted. Jane glanced at Lucy and saw that she too looked slightly distraught.

“I knew you’d find some way of cutting me out of the wedding,” Miriam said, looking neither at Jane nor Walter but condemning them equally with her tone.

“But we’re not,” said Walter. “You haven’t heard the rest of the plan. You’re coming with us.”

“What?” Miriam said. “Going with you?”

Walter nodded. “Lucy too,” he said. “And Ben and Sarah if they want to come. You’re all invited as our guests.”

“It would be a kind of traveling wedding party,” Jane told them. “We’d follow the itinerary of Walter’s house tour.”

Miriam sighed. “I’m too old to be traipsing around Europe in the wintertime,” she said.

“Nonsense, Mother,” said Walter. “Last year you went hiking in Nepal.”

“We had Sherpas,” Miriam snapped. “And llamas. That’s hardly the same thing as wandering around the moors with damp feet. I could get pneumonia.”

“With a bit of luck,” Jane murmured, just loudly enough for Miriam to hear.

“Well, do as you like,” Walter told his mother. “Lucy, will you be coming with us?”

Lucy grinned. “Absolutely,” she said.

“What about Ben and Sarah?” asked Jane. “Do you think they’ll come?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Lucy said. She removed her iPhone from her pocket and tapped the screen three times. “Hi, Rabbi Cohen,” she said a moment later. “I have a question for you.”

As Lucy spoke with Ben, Miriam resumed her campaign of grousing.

“I don’t see why you’re abandoning the wedding after everything we’ve done,” she said.

“That’s just it,” said Jane. “We haven’t really accomplished anything .”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Miriam told her. “There are only a few minor details to iron out.”

“That’s right,” said Jane. “Like the dress, the flowers, the cake, the rings, the reception food, the—”

“Why must you always be so negative?” Miriam interrupted. “We know where the reception will be held.”

“Only because there was only one place available on such short notice,” said Jane. “And now that we’re not having it at all, I don’t mind telling you that I wasn’t terribly thrilled about the idea of having my wedding reception at the Elks Lodge. It’s such a dreary place.”

“It’s a blank canvas,” Miriam argued. “We could have done anything we like with it. It would have been marvelous. But no. You had to go and put this wild idea in Walter’s head just to spite—”

Walter stopped her. “Mother, this was my idea. Now, Jane and I are going to Europe and we’re going to be married while we’re there. We’d like you to be there with us, but if you won’t come, then you won’t come.”

Miriam shook her head. “I just don’t know. I’m an old woman. My arthritis,” she added vaguely. “The croup. Chilblains.”

“Ben’s in,” Lucy announced, returning her phone to her pocket. “Well, he’s in if he can find someone to take care of Sarah. He doesn’t want to take her out of school for so long.”

Walter looked at Miriam. “Since my mother doesn’t want to come, he said, “perhaps she could look after Sarah.”

“Who said I’m not coming?” Miriam said defensively.

Jane looked at Lucy. “I think I know someone who might be able to look after Sarah,” she said.

“What a delightful idea,” Byron said. “I adore children.” Then he frowned. “But why am I not invited to come along?”

Jane handed him a mug of coffee. “I think you know the answer to that question,” she said as she took a seat.

“But I wouldn’t be a bit of trouble,” said Byron. “Honestly, what could I possibly do?”

“Really?” Jane said, regarding him balefully.

Byron waved a hand at her. “Don’t judge,” he said. “Besides, I could be enormously useful. I’ve lived in Europe much more recently than you have. I could be a kind of tour guide.”

“You’ll be much more helpful by staying here with Sarah.”

He sighed. “Very well. What do I have to do?”

“I’ll let Ben explain your duties to you,” said Jane. “But I will tell you what you will not do. You will not teach her how to dematerialize, or how to glamor, or how to summon the red-eyed wolves of the tulgey wood.”

“Of course I won’t,” Byron said. “She’d have to be a vampire for her to be able to …” He paused as an expression of delight crossed his face.

“And you will absolutely not do that!” Jane said.

“You’re right,” he said. “I absolutely will not. I was just thinking aloud. Besides, you’re the one who brought up the whole tulgey wood thing.”

“I was just making examples,” Jane replied. “I might just as easily have said ‘no playing with matches’ or ‘no cutting the tails off mice.’ I was simply using references to which you could relate.”