Michael Ford: Jane Vows Vengeance

“Solomon isn’t like that,” Byron explained. “Not exactly. Remember the rhyme?”

As Jane had only recently recited it to him, she assumed Byron’s question to be rhetorical, and said nothing. Byron continued, “He wasn’t joking when he said it was lucky we came on a Thursday. By tomorrow he’ll be quite ill, and by Saturday night he’ll be dead. Sunday he’ll—well, I don’t really know what becomes of him on Sunday—but on Monday he’ll be right as rain and it will start all over again.”

Jane made a face. “How awful,” she said. “How does a thing like that happen? I mean, surely he wasn’t always like this.”

“No, he wasn’t,” Byron agreed. “But I don’t know how he became what he is. As far as I know, he’s never told anyone, except perhaps his wife.”

“His wife ?” said Jane.

“Yes, his wife,” Byron repeated. “ ‘Married on Wednesday,’ remember?”

“What’s she like?” Jane asked.

“That depends,” said Byron. “When she is good, she’s very, very good, but when she is bad she is horrid.”

Jane snorted. “And I suppose she has a little curl?”

“Yes,” said Byron. “Right in the middle of her forehead. I thought you said you didn’t know her.”

“I don’t,” Jane said. “I was quoting the rhyme.”

“What rhyme?” said Byron, giving her a puzzled look. “Anyway, she runs the boardinghouse upstairs.”

Jane glanced at the ceiling. “Up there?”

Byron nodded. “They cater mostly to our community,” he said. “Generally the newly turned. They stay here while they adjust. Also, Alice teaches them a thing or two about being undead.”

“Alice?” said Jane. “That’s Solomon’s wife?”

“Now that I think of it, I should have just sent you to Alice,” Byron said. “I could have saved myself a great deal of fuss and bother. Not that I haven’t enjoyed it,” he added quickly.

“There’s a school?” said Jane. “How do people find out about it?”

“Oh, they have cards,” Byron explained. “The more thoughtful vampires leave them in the pockets of anyone they turn. Otherwise it’s mostly blind luck or being fortunate enough to run into someone who knows about this place. Someone like myself, for example.”

“Except that you didn’t tell me about it,” Jane argued.

Byron shook his head. “Well, how could I have told you?” he said. “That was two hundred years ago. I didn’t know about it then.”

“We could have sent Chloe here,” said Jane, thinking about the young actress she had been forced to turn the previous summer.

“I did consider that,” Byron admitted. “But only briefly. I don’t think they take celebrity clients. Anyway, I think we did rather well with her on our own.”

“Yes,” Jane agreed. “I think we did. Which reminds me, the film will be out this summer.”

“Have you decided whether or not you’ll see it? I know you weren’t at all happy with how things went.”

“I think I’m over it. Besides, if I can stomach Greer Garson as Elizabeth Bennett, I can stomach anything.”

“All right, here you are.”

Solomon’s arrival brought Jane’s attention back to the moment. She accepted the passport Solomon held out to her and opened it. “It looks perfect,” she said after checking that all of the information was correct—or as correct as it could be for a bunch of out-and-out lies.

“With that document you will be able to make your way all over Europe with no difficulties,” Solomon assured her.

“Thank you,” Jane said.

“And if you get caught and thrown in an Italian prison, I will refund one-half of the purchase price.”

Jane looked at Byron, unsure of what to say.

“I’m joking,” Solomon told her. “I don’t give refunds. All sales are final, and if anyone asks, I’ve never seen you before. But don’t worry, everything will be fine. Go and have a lovely honeymoon.”

“I’d almost forgotten that that’s why I need this,” Jane said as she slipped the passport into her coat pocket.

“Solomon, as always, it’s a pleasure doing business with you,” Byron said, shaking the other man’s hand. “Now go have Alice make you some chicken soup. You look terrible.”

Solomon laughed heartily, but after a moment it turned into a wet-sounding cough. “Oh, dear,” he said. “It seems to be coming on early this week. It must be the weather.”

When they were outside again, Byron took a bottle of hand sanitizer from his pocket and squirted some into his palm. He extended the bottle to Jane, who shook her head. “We’re already dead,” she reminded him. “What’s the point?”

“Yes, we’re dead,” said Byron. “But so are zombies. Do you really want to risk it?”

She held out her hand. “You’re right. Explaining to Walter that I’m a vampire is one thing. Trying to explain why I want to eat his brain is quite another.”

Brakeston, New York

“Stephanotis! Casablanca Lilies! Hydrangeas!”

Jane sat straight up in bed and pointed a finger at Walter, who had pulled the blankets up to his chin and was looking up at her with a puzzled expression.

“But absolutely no baby’s breath!” Jane shrieked before collapsing back against the pillows.

Walter sat up slowly, cleared his throat, and said, “I take it you had another wedding dream.”

Jane groaned. “It was horrible,” she said. “I’d forgotten all about the flowers. For some reason every florist in town was closed, and I had to run to the A&P and buy one of those horrid bouquets of daisies dyed bright blue and wrapped in cellophane. Then when I tried to check out, my club card wouldn’t scan and I couldn’t remember the fake telephone number I’d given them when I opened the account, so the clerk wouldn’t give me the discount. I only had a ten-dollar bill and the bouquet was twelve ninety-nine. The woman behind me was yelling at me to hurry up because her chicken thighs were thawing and she was worried about salmonella, and the bag boy kept shouting, ‘Paper or plastic? Paper or plastic? Paper or plastic?’ ”

She began to cry. Walter reached over and put his arm around her shoulders. Jane leaned against him and sniffed loudly.

“I’m going to have a nervous breakdown,” she informed him. “I’ll have to be institutionalized, and I’ll spend the rest of my life sitting in an uncomfortable chair next to a window, wearing my wedding dress and staring out at the sidewalk, waiting for you to come. And you will at first, because you’ll think there’s still hope, but after a few years you’ll realize that I’m never getting better and you’ll stop coming. Then everyone will start calling me the Bitter Bride and torment me by humming the wedding march until I go completely mad and begin mumbling our wedding vows incessantly. Eventually all I’ll say is, ‘I do, I do, I do,’ over and over and over and the other patients will wait until the nurses aren’t looking and pelt me with rice.” She paused. “Or more likely with rice pudding, because that’s what they make you eat in those places.”

Walter kissed the top of her head. “Are you done now?”

“For the moment,” Jane said.

“First of all,” said Walter, “they wouldn’t let you wear your wedding dress in a mental institution. Second, you don’t need a club card at the A&P anymore. You automatically get the sale price.”

“Really?” Jane said. “Well, that just makes it worse. The clerk was deliberately being difficult, and it was obvious I needed those daisies. Who does that to a bride on her wedding day?”

Walter stroked her hair. “I have an idea,” he said. “What would you think about postponing the wedding?”