Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"Youse don't have to worry about Bee," Guido told me when I dropped in on him to ask about his former noncom. "He's a good kid."

"Is this him?" I asked, presenting an ethereal image that Bytina had taken of the class. It had also occurred to me that someone calling himself Corporal Bee had presented himself to Massha, claiming he knew Guido and asking for help.

"It sure is," the big enforcer said, sitting back in his chair. "He's fleshed out a little since I saw him last!"

"He has?" I asked, taking back the picture. Bee was so skinny that I could probably blow him down with a hefty sneeze.

"Yeah. Used to be about half that wideness. Hey, Nunzio, look here. It's Bee. He's studyin' magik with Skeeve. How's he doin'?"

"He's learned a few things," I said. "He's intelligent and he works hard. I've never known anyone who was a better organizer, except perhaps Bunny."

"Somethin's worryin' you, boss," Guido said shrewdly.

I told him and Nunzio about the grenade ring and the missing money. "Bee looks like the most likely one to know how to operate an explosive device, but I can't believe he would endanger all of us for a joke. And, after what you've said, I know I'm wrong to suspect him. So I have to keep my eyes on all of them."

"You're smart to be on guard. But that ain't what's really botherin' you, is it?"

How well he knew me. "They're always complaining. If they don't like my lessons, why are they so desperate to stay?"

"Have you ever tried finding an honest magik teacher?" Guido countered my question with a question. "I bet there ain't no more of them then there is honest used-wagon salesmen. A whole lotta them just want a caboodle of apprentices to follow 'em around and say how wonderful they are. Some of 'em are downright phonies who don't know any more about magik than I do. You're not like that. If I had any talent I'd be proud to sign on wit' you, if you were fillin' a class. I'm glad Bee's got the chance to learn from you a little. They're gettin' more than they would anywhere else. You know kids; they grouse about anything. It's just natural. I wouldn't take it personal if I was you."

I felt a little better. That left only the Pervects.

Aahz wasn't in the office. I left a note for him, and dropped in on Vergetta and the rest of the Pervect Ten on Wuh.

"So, Skeeve the Great!" Vergetta exclaimed, coming over to give me a hug. The elderly Pervect, clad in one of her favorite flowered dresses. "Look, Caitlin, it's Skeeve!"

The very young Pervect turned away briefly from her computer screen to give me a grin that showed three missing top teeth.

"The others are out doing sales calls, except Niki, who's knee-deep in machinery, as usual. That girl, always with the mechanics instead of good old magik." Vergetta threw her arm around my shoulder and marched me to the end of the long table in the huge stone chamber. "I know you didn't come here just to see our smiling faces, bubbeleh. What can I do for you?"

I wasn't sure where to begin. "You know, your niece has been taking lessons from me for the last few weeks."

Vergetta nodded as she poured tea into a tall glass and pushed it towards me. "Yes, Jinetta. A good girl, smart but not too imaginative. Take some sugar, it'll make you strong. And how is she doing?"

"Er, pretty well, really."

"Good! She and her friends—you know they're just fresh out of school, right?—were so interested in finding someone who knew what they vere doing to give them some pointers. I don't know what's the hurry, but they kept saying it's so hard to get a good job unless you have practical experience. I didn't have the time to teach her the ropes, and she vouldn't listen to a relative anyvay, so that's how come she ends up on your doorstep. Not that there's anything wrong with them! Her friends are all right. They're so interested in boys and makeup until recently. Now they all want to be the heads of major corporations. Girls today!"

I waited until the spate of conversation slowed and jumped in. "Listen, Vergetta, what did you tell them I could do for them?"

The old Pervect grinned. "Can you grow them some common sense? No? I didn't think so. I see you," she pointed a gnarled fingernail at me, "as the antidote to those teachers of theirs. Especially that Mr. Magoo-whatever. He knew nothing but what he read in books, but they worshiped him like a god. I thought that, if anyone could, you'd show them there was something more past the end of their noses. If you succeed in teaching them that, you're a hero."

"I'm trying," I said. "Sometimes I think I'm getting through, and sometimes I don't."

"Fifty-fifty isn't bad odds. Well, Skeeve, nice of you to stop by. I have to get an order out to Skloon. Now, don't be a stranger. You should stop by when you have time to take a tour of Wuh. It's shaping up so well, you won't know the place."

I returned to Klah to find a note from Chumley waiting for me. Tolk had been a member of the Alpha Males, Omega Males club where Chumley volunteered as a mentor once a month. Now I had no suspects, and I was none the wiser as to who was causing all the trouble among my students.

And trouble there was. In my remonstrations with the students not to do stupid things, once again I had forgotten to tell them not to swap cosmetics for bird excrement. The Pervects came screaming down the stairs with white goo hardening on their faces, complaining that SOMEONE had tampered with their very expensive cosmetics. Tolk was upset because his shampoo, Gee Your Fur Smells Edible, which did smell like used food, had overwhelmed him with green bubbles, staining his fur. Melvine and Bee hadn't been left out, joining the circle of protesters. My eyes watered when they got close enough. They smelled of skunk.

"It was in the soap, sir," Bee said, weakly. "It didn't start reeking until I rubbed it on myself."

"Who did this?" I demanded.

"He did!"

"She did!"

"He did!"

"She did!"

They all pointed at each other. I glared at them. They glared back. Exasperated, I threw up my hands.

"Forget it," I said, turning away. "Go to bed."

"But, Skeeve!" Jinetta said. "You're supposed to handle these things."

"I'm just in charge of magik instruction," I said. "Nothing else. Read my contract."

"But we don't have a contract with you!"

I looked back over my shoulder. "Exactly."

I stalked into my room and locked the door. The expected grumbling about my being an unfit teacher and uncaring individual arose then escalated into some pretty creative name calling. In about twenty minutes, they all ran out of things to say and stalked off. Relieved, I pulled my blanket up and went to sleep.

BANG!

I sat bolt upright in bed. Where had that noise come from? I craned my head to listen in the dark.

I heard night birds in the distance squawking and fluttering away from the disturbing sound. It probably had originated in or near the inn.

With a flicker of thought, I lit the candle on my nightstand and got up to investigate.

"What was that?"

I held up the candle. Bunny fluttered out of her room, wearing the briefest and sheerest of nightgowns. It did nothing to conceal her considerable charms or her toned biceps. In one hand she held a well-sharpened hand axe.

"Nothing, I hope," I said. "I'm going out to look."

"Be careful!" she said.

The Pervects tiptoed down the stairs. "What happened? We heard a crash!"

Well, they weren't responsible for this disturbance.

"I don't know," I said. "Stay here with Bunny."

The night was clear, with a brilliant half-moon hanging about a third of the way across the sky. I circled the inn a couple of times. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. I went into the stable to check on Gleep and Buttercup.

The war unicorn nickered to me from his stall.