Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"But how do you practice making quick decisions?" Jinetta asked.

Markie grinned. "I thought you would never ask."

"Come on!" Markie cried, beckoning with both tiny hands. "Don't stand there taking turns like a lot of well-mannered movie ninjas! Jump in! There's only one of a kind! Get them before I can! Kettle! Flower pot! Face powder! Poker!"

It was on my lips to ask what a 'movie ninja' was, when I had to duck or get beaned by the fireplace poker flying through the air toward the waiting hands of Pologne. Tolk leaped up to snag it in his teeth. Bee forestalled him by diving to the floor underneath it.

"Dispell!" he shouted.

The poker dropped toward his waiting hands.

With a wicked grin, I twitched the poker away. ? "Ha-HA!" I chortled.

"No fair!" Bee said, but he was grinning, too.

"Too late!" Markie cried, having secured both the flower pot and the kettle in spite of the others' best efforts. She planted her small form in front of them. "Now, get the item when I call your name. Freezia, basket! Tolk, wood! Bee, pen! Melvine, armchair!"

Tolk galloped to snag a piece of wood off the pile beside the huge fireplace. Bee pointed at the pen on the little table near the front door. His face ran with sweat. The quill wobbled into the air and started to crawl towards him. Freezia simply ran over and snatched it out of the air. She stuck her tongue out at the young soldier. Bee never hesitated, but ran to tug the chair down out of Melvine's hands. The Cupy guy swung in the air like a grumpy pinata.

"You jerk, that's mine!"

"It's yours if you can hang onto it."

"Mine!" Markie sang out. While they were arguing, she snagged it with a thread of magik. It joined the growing pile of household goods behind her.

Just as quickly, I reached for the kettle, sitting forgotten on the floor. It caught Markie's leg. She went flying.

"Opportunity!" I shouted.

Jinetta's eyes went wide. "Everybody! Now!"

The class rushed toward the heap of possessions. Things started to leap around as a few of the apprentices employed levitation, gusts of wind and ropes of power to yank them toward one student or another. Pologne had armloads of items piled into the basket. Bee and Jinetta glared at each other over a teddy bear. I got into the fray with the rest of them. I grabbed the flower pot and tucked it under my arm while I air-lifted the armchair, a box of candy, ten books and a cushion.

"Gonna do some reading?" Tolk grinned at me as he seized the cushion in his teeth. "Rrrrr-rr!"

"Gimme that!"

"No way!"

While we engaged in a tug of war, someone relieved me of the candy and the flower pot. I let go of the cushion to fly a footstool, a retort and a stuffed beniguana to me. Freezia charged me to take the beniguana. I managed to juggle the booty in the air while keeping her at bay. Melvine got into a war of the weather with his aunt. The two of them turned into whirlwinds that careened around the room, vacuuming up items. The rest of us just tried to stay out of their way.

The younger Cupy was by far the more aggressive. He kept trying to back his aunt into corners. Markie outmaneuvered him, the tip of her miniature tornado flicking past him just when he thought she was trapped.

"Aarrgh!" he grunted, backing up several feet. "It's clobbering time!"

The Cupy doll skated insouciantly around the room, sucking up a hatstand here, a pail there. She deposited them with the others then settled in front of the heap to guard it. Melvine's tornado seemed to gather itself in a coil like a snake, and drove straight past her, heading for the stash.

"No!" Markie's voice called, from the center of the driving winds. "Don't cross the streams!"

Too late! Melvine's contrail intersected with his aunt's. The tornadoes spiraled around one another in a braid that staggered blindly around the room. In the confusion, the face powder was knocked open, blinding all of us.

In the white-out, or rather, pink-out that followed, I grabbed for items that hit me as they went by. Books, rolls of tapestry, a beer mug. I'd hold onto them, and just as quickly they would be whisked away.

When the dust, or dusting powder, settled, I found myself in the corner, wiping my eyes. Melvine lay on the floor, sneezing uncontrollably. Pologne hung from the chandelier by her heels. Tolk lay upside down in the empty scuttle. Freezia and Bee seemed to be intertwined under the big table. Jinetta was nowhere to be seen.

Scuffing noises came from the door of my study. Jinetta crawled back into the room, her couture outfit all askew.

"I'm all right," the tallest Pervect announced, rising to pat down her clothes and dust off face powder which rose in clouds from her garments. "Ker-CHEW!" she sneezed. "Goodness, I don't know what hit me!"

"I think it was me," Melvine groaned. He rolled to his side and stood up. "You've got hard ribs!"

"Now," Markie called to us from the top of a heap consisting of every piece of movable property in the room, "wasn't that fun?"

"Fun?" Freezia groaned. "Get off me, you Klahd."

"Sorry, ma'am," Bee said. He scrambled up and offered her a hand.

"Okay, everyone take five," Markie said. She climbed down from the pile of furniture, marched over and stuck the pen into my tunic front. "Nice job."

"Lunch in a few minutes, if you all would like to wash up," Bunny said, coming into the main room from the kitchen. Savory smells, and a few not so savory, followed in her wake.

"I know I would," I said cheerily. "Class dismissed!"

"Well, that was the waste of a morning," Pologne whispered to Freezia as they headed toward the steps. "The last part was kind of fun, but useless." Pologne giggled her agreement. They glanced back at me to see if I had heard. I pretended not. I was disappointed. I hoped that Markie's seminar would make them think. By the thoughtful look on her face, Markie had heard them, too. I hurried to assure her I thought the morning was worthwhile.

"That was really amazing," I said. "I had never broken down the whys and wherefores of making the first move— and the last move. I do a lot more on instinct than I realized. You've given me a lot to think about."

"You were terrific, too," Markie said, whisking the remaining powder out of the upholstery and back into the round box. "I'm impressed with how much you've improved since I saw you. I like how you economize on power expenditure. That's some sophisticated manipulation of magikal force there."

I shook my head. "It's nothing compared with what you did. You're good. You played them like fish. Your control far outstrips anything I can do. Remember, I never saw you use your magik on purpose before. All the spells you cast while you were staying with us looked like accidents caused by a little girl with the power of an insane dragon."

"Gleep!" Gleep protested.

"Sorry, Gleep. I didn't mean all dragons are insane." I reached over to pat him on the head. One of the pieces of firewood was still lying on the floor. I slung it across the room for him. Cheerfully, he rose and trotted over to retrieve it.

"I know what it must have been like for all of you," Markie said ruefully. "But seriously, Skeeve, I had no idea you would progress this fast. At this rate there are no limits to what you can achieve. When you hit the big time, remember, I knew you when."

"Thanks," I laughed. "IF I hit the big time, I'll remember all the little people who made it possible."

"Was that a short joke?" Markie asked, narrowing one eye at me playfully.

"Better than the nonstop mutual admiration society you two were forming," Bunny said, breaking in impatiently. She turned to Markie. "Will you stay for lunch?"

It was a peace offering. I held my breath.

"I'd love to," Markie replied warmly. "May I have something to drink? That was a lot of work."