Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

This was the first I had heard about it. I glanced at Bunny, but she was smiling at the class and nodding.

"That's the kind of reputation Skeeve has. Everybody respects him. He earns the kind of loyalty from his friends and associates that money can't buy."

He looked around one more time and rose to his feet.

"Well, I've been ranting here for a long while, and I'll be on my way. Just one last thing, though. Remember when I said I was more powerful that Guido? Well I'll tell you here and now that your teacher, Skeeve, is more powerful than I am. Of everyone I've met or worked with, he's at the top of my list to turn the Mob over to when I retire. Think about that the next time you want to mouth off about how your professors or friends know more than he does."

With that, he waved at Bunny and me and left.

It was a quiet, thoughtful group that drifted off back to their rooms.

After Don Bruce left, the dirty tricks and practical jokes seemed to tail off for good. The students listened more closely to what I had to say. Not as Melvine had after Markie left, but in a more thoughtful manner. What Don Bruce had said to them may have been profoundly embarrassing to me, but it seemed to touch my six students deeply. I was grateful.

"Okay, guys," I said, winding up the D-hopper, "this is your final examination. I'm sending you on a field mission, to infiltrate a party of strangers and retrieve an object for me. I want you to go to Limbo, a dimension I've had some experience in. It's a very interesting place. Your object is to visit the Woof Writers." They're a couple of Werewolves I know who live outside the main city. I want you to bring back one of their books. I wouldn't have suggested going there before, because the people in Limbo are very nervous about dimensional travelers. Most of them are vampires."

Bee clutched his throat. "Vampires! Are you sure we have to, sir?"

"Don't worry," I chuckled. "They are a LOT more frightened of you than you could be of them. They don't do a lot of magik because there are few force lines in Limbo."

"Oh, not another underprivileged dimension," Melvine groaned.

I paid no attention. "Keep your disguises up all the time, and you should have no trouble at all. If you need help, look up Vilhelm. He's the Dispatcher of Nightmares in the city of Blut. I've written out the address. Are you ready?"

"Yes!"

"Good. Who's going to be mission commander?"

Modestly, Jinetta stepped forward. "They've selected me, Skeeve."

"All right." I handed her the D-hopper. "It's set to take you to Limbo. Move the dial back to here to return. You've got," I peered out the window at the midmorning sun, "eight hours until sunset here. Go!"

BAMF!

Suddenly, they were gone. I tried to shove aside my feelings of worry. They weren't greenhorns any longer. Bunny stood behind me with her arms crossed.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Skeeve?"

"I am," I replied. "Well, almost sure. I set the whole thing up with Drachir and Idnew. They've got an encounter group staying with them who pretend to be Klahds and play elaborate live role-play games that echo what they think a Klahd lifestyle is like. They dress up in flowered and striped clothing and paint their faces pink or brown. Drachir thought it would be very funny to have a real Klahd drop into their midst. Bee's second best spell is Datspell, so he should be able to keep up a vampire disguise on unless he wants to drop it. They were also eager to meet Tolk. I think they believe Canidians to be long-lost cousins of Werewolves. Vilhelm will be monitoring the group from the time they appeared in Limbo. It's all as safe as I can make it."

"How safe is that? Aahz nearly got killed there. So did you!"

"I am aware of that," I said. "But I know a lot more about the dimension now, and I have a few friends there. It's not as if I am sending them into the unknown, or making them walk a tightrope across burning coals. They have all day to do what ought to take them as little as an hour, maybe two if they fall for one of Drachir or Idnew's rituals. They said they had some really funny ones dreamed up for the Klahths, which is what the wanna-be Klahds call themselves, but Idnew assured me they're harmless. Disgusting, but harmless."

"Things can still go wrong," Bunny warned me.

I sighed. "I know it, but I can't always be there to hold their hands. Tomorrow they go home, and they'll be on their own from then on. At least tonight we can have a round-table critique session on where they thought they were weak. That will give them something to think about in weeks to come. In the meantime, I can spend the day worrying."

"I've got a better idea," Bunny said, pointing in the direction of the kitchen. "I've been doing all the chores for six weeks. You can clean up while your students aren't here to see it."

I grinned ruefully. "I deserved that." I went off to find the broom.

BAMF!

At the telltale noise, I dropped my dishcloth and went running into the main room of the inn. Bunny followed me. My students, somewhat disheveled and red-eyed, stood leaning on one another. Melvine was clinging to Freezia's back. Jinetta held onto the D-hopper as if it was her lifeline. They were smiling. That was a good sign. They were singing. That was also a good sign.

"What do you do with a drunken vampire? What do you do with a drunken vampire? Fill his glass with week-old ketchup, ear-lie in the morning!"

"Ow, ow, owwww!"

I raised my eyebrows. I'd heard the song before. The verses contained plenty of salty language, most of which I never thought would pass the lips of the genteely raised graduate students, but here they were belting it out in three part harmony with a Canidian howl for counterpoint.

"What do you do with a drunken satyr? What do you do with a drunken satyr?" Freezia began then paused.

"I dunno!" Pologne said, a trifle unsteadily. "What comes after that? I've forgotten the words."

"Shing it again!" Melvine's voice quavered. He lost his grip and slid off Freezia to the floor.

"What do you do—hiya, Skeeve! Hiya, Bunny," Jinetta said, grinning at us with every tooth showing.

"Teach! Howya doin'?" Melvine shouted. He was dressed in a plaid kilt with a flowered shirt the sleeves of which were rolled up to let his hands stick out. He waved his arms to get his balance and sat up. "We're back!" He fell down again. "Uggghh. I don't feel so well."

"Here's the book!" Bee said, thrusting a blue leather-bound volume into my arms. He wore a pie-eyed expression, not as far gone as Melvine but still well on his way to ethanol poisoning. He had a suspicious-looking mark on his neck. I peered closer. He backed away.

"Line of duty, sir," he explained. "One of the hostiles— er, wasn't really hostile, sir. She was kinda friendly, really."

"No questions asked," I assured him. "So, you were successful! Congratulations!"

"Yes, sir," Bee barked out. "We arrived at approximately ten in the evening Limbo local time, sir! Observed some local native inhabitant residents of the dimension and created disguise spells appropriate to blend in with them. Proceeded along road according to instructions, following turns indicated on the map carried by Mission Commander Jinetta! Isn't that right, ma'am?"

"Why, yes!" Jinetta said. "You're telling it very well. Go on."

"Ma'am! We proceeded to the domicile inhabited by the Woof Writers, sir! Except it was also inhabited by fifteen other people, wearing really strange clothing…"

"They said it was Klahth clobber," Melvine said. "I didn't see any clobber. They told me to look closely, then they clobbered me. It was a joke, get it? I mean, aren't these the most awesome threads you have ever seen?"

"Identified ourselves as 'friends of Skeeve' to Subject One, Drachir, Woof Writer. They have impressive teeth, sir."