Amy Cross - Persona

So I do. After all, while talking to Drella can be useful sometimes as a means of organizing my thoughts, she can also become pretty antagonistic. I already know that this journey is a long shot, that I might not find the other town even if it does exist, but at the same time I can’t turn back. I need to know for sure whether Steadfall is the only major town on the island, or whether other people have had the same idea as Asher.

Trudging through the undergrowth, I ignore the temptation to talk to Della again. Instead, I focus on keeping my mind silent.

“Of course she let him go,” a man grumbles as he pours berries into a pot. “You didn’t seriously think she’d step up, did you? She’s too weak for that and—”

He stops as soon as he sees that I’m walking past, and we briefly make eye contact before he turns and starts working with the berries again. His two friends also conspicuously turn away, but I keep walking rather than challenging them. Nearby, several dead rabbits are being prepared for cooking, but once again I can’t shake the feeling that some of the people are eying me with suspicion, maybe even contempt. By the time I’ve made my way to the edge of the clearing, I turn and look back at the town, and I can’t help wondering if Steadfall is becoming too big for me to control. Maybe I should just turn it over to Deckard and move on.

“You made the right decision earlier,” a voice says suddenly

Turning, I see Olivia carving some wood nearby. Sometimes I think she’s the only person left in this town who’s actually on my side.

“With Harry, I mean,” she continues. “I’m glad you didn’t murder him in cold blood.”

“I came close.”

“I know. I saw it in your eyes.”

“I came so close,” I tell her, almost trembling with shock. “I almost cut his throat.”

“But you didn’t.”

“This place has changed so much,” she continues. “I wasn’t here right at the start, but I came not long after, remember? I know five years is a long time, but I think we did pretty well. Or rather, you did pretty well. This place was your idea.”

“It was Jude’s at first,” I point out.

“I never met Jude,” she replies, “but she didn’t see it through. You did.”

“I’m losing it,” I tell her.

She shakes his head.

“You saw me just now. I’m not strong enough. I buckled. I’m weak.”

“You stood up to a crowd of fifty people who wanted blood,” she replies, as she continues to carve a length of wood. “That doesn’t seem weak to me. Giving in and doing what they wanted, that would have been weak.”

“I’m still going to lose control,” I tell her. “Whether it’s in a week, or a month, at some point I’ll be pushed out. They’re not happy with how I run things.”

“There’ve always been people who disagree,” she mutters. “Do what you’ve always done. Remind them they’re free to leave and set up their own town. This place is yours.”

“There are too many of them now,” I reply. “At some point, they’ll tell me that I’m the one who should leave.”

“It’s your town.”

“I never wanted to be a dictator,” I continue. “The whole thing has grown so fast, I just—”

Before I can finish, I spot several men making their way through the forest, trailing three strangers – two men and a woman – who seem a little shocked and dazed. Each of the strangers is wearing a clean gray tunic and carrying the remains of their canopy, and I watch for a moment as they’re taken to our town. It’s been several months since the last drop, and I’d begun to wonder why the pace was slowing down. In the back of my head, it had even occurred to me that maybe the island wasn’t popular anymore, that we’d just be left to rot. Somehow, it actually feels good to know that the rest of the world is still out there.

“Three new arrivals on one day?” Olivia mutters, unable to hide the hint of surprise in her voice. “That must be a record, huh?”

“They must have been dropped pretty close,” I point out with a frown, as I keep my eyes fixed on one of the new men, who seems to be holding back from the rest of the group. Dark-haired and with almost frighteningly intense eyes, he suddenly glances at me as if he sensed he was being watched, and we maintain eye contact for a moment before he turns and follows the others. “I should go and greet them,” I say with a sigh, as I start making my way back to town. “It’s been a while since we had some new arrivals.” After a couple of paces, I pause for a moment and then finally I turn back to her. “Deckard’s planning something, isn’t he?”

“Deckard?” She frowns. “What makes you say that?”

“It’s obvious.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t become paranoid, Asher. As far as I know, Deckard isn’t plotting against you. I think he’s a little frustrated, but he’s also loyal.”

I want to tell her that I agree, but deep down I know she’s wrong.

“Deckard has been with you since the beginning,” she adds. “He was here before all the rest of us. Trust me, he wouldn’t turn on you.”

“He wants to drive me out,” I tell her. “He wants me to get lost in the wilderness so I’ll die like—”

I catch myself just in time.

“Like Iris?” she asks, raising a skeptical eyebrow. “She might still be alive, you know. She might surprise you one day and walk back into town.”

I shake my head.

“You don’t have faith in her?” she continues.

“You saw her in the weeks before she left,” I reply. “She was losing her mind. You saw the note she left behind. She was rambling on about finding another town to the south, based on nothing more than a few rambled claims by some new arrivals.” I pause, thinking back to the shock I felt when I discovered that Iris had left. “She might not have realized it at the time, but she was just doing what wounded, sick animals always do. She was leaving the community so she could go to die alone.”

“You don’t really believe that.”

“I do,” I tell her. “I wish I didn’t, but I do.”

“Well I don’t ,” she replies. “I still think she’ll show up again some day. I think she’s tougher than you realize.”

I stare at her for a moment. “You’re an optimist,” I point out finally.

“I’m a realist. But Asher…” She pauses. “If you start thinking that Deckard and other people are plotting against you, you’ll end up going down a rabbit-hole of paranoia and suspicion, and then you really will have a problem. You can trust Deckard with your life.”

“I wish I believed you,” I mutter, before turning and making my way back toward town. Even as I see the main clearing up ahead, with people working to prepare food and other items, I already feel as if I’m becoming an outsider. Then again, maybe that’s just my default position. Mads might have been right all those years ago when she told me I’m an outsider by nature. I couldn’t fit in with the rest of the world, and now I can’t even fit in with a town that I started.

Maybe Iris had the right idea after all.

“Shut up!” I try to shout, suddenly turning to Della. All that comes from my mouth, however, is a faint gasp of anger, and then a shiver passes through my chest as I remember that my sister isn’t really here.

For the past few minutes, I’ve been hearing her voice taunting me, telling me that I’m insane and that I’m just wandering through the forest while I wait to die. She reminded me of that time when I hallucinated Bran, and she hinted that I’ve never quite had my head straight since then. Somehow, while she went on and on, I managed to forget that she wasn’t real and I finally snapped.