Kim Harrison - Dates From Hell

“You’ve lost your mind,” Claire snapped impatiently. “These are my lips, my eyes looking out, and my brain. I am not Brad Cruise and neither am I a lesbian, and I am so not having sex with you.”

Jill sighed, giving up the attempt to talk her into it. “Yeah…I get it. Too bad though.” She suddenly reached out to poke at the lump. “Where does it feel like I’m poking you?”

“My leg,” Claire answered.

“Really?” She poked some more. “That’s kind of weird, isn’t it? I guess it means that leg cells were used to make up the lump and—”

“Jill! Magda was just telling Maureen and me—”

Claire and Jill glanced over with surprise as Meredith rushed out of the women’s room with Maureen on her heels. Her words had died abruptly and she gaped as she spotted Jill standing there with her hand on “Brad’s package.”

“What?” Maureen peered over Meredith’s shoulder with curiosity at her sudden silence, then said, “Oh,” as she took in what appeared to be Jill caught feeling up the superstar.

“Sorry,” Jill said, retracting her hand as Claire flushed with embarrassment. “I was…er…talking to Brad. What is it Magda was saying?”

Meredith hesitated, exchanging a glance with Maureen, then she grabbed Jill’s arm and pulled her several feet away. The three women went into a huddle and began to whisper in earnest.

Claire shook her head, wondering if this night would ever end. As abruptly as it had started, the huddle broke apart. Meredith and Maureen threw Claire/Brad almost leering smiles as they rushed off back toward the gymnasium.

“Well?” Claire asked as Jill returned to her side. “What did they say?”

“That Magda kissed you in the women’s washroom and felt you up and you had no package.”

“Shoot. I was afraid of that.” Claire sighed. “What did you say?”

“That Magda was just jealous. That she dragged you into the bathroom, threw herself at you, kissed you and you said she was a lousy kisser and gave her the brush off and she’s jealous so she’s spreading false stories.”

“Smart,” Claire said with a smile.

“Yeah. It helps that Brad Cruise did that full frontal nudity scene in the British movie he did last year. There was a definite package there.”

Claire blinked. “That was like a split second on the screen, too fast to see anything.”

“You’ve never heard of pause?” Jill asked, arching one eyebrow.

“You paused it to see him nude?” she asked with disbelief.

“Me and twenty million other women. Why do you think the DVD sold so well?”

“Dear God,” Claire muttered. “I am so seeing a side of you I didn’t know about.”

“Sure you knew about it,” Jill countered. “You know me better than anyone. Maybe it’s just different because you’re a guy now. Kind of.”

“Could be.” Claire sighed and promised herself she would never again slag men for being pigs. Women could be just as bad. “Now that the crisis is handled, can I change back into me?”

“Yeah, go on.”

Claire turned back to the men’s room with relief, only to stiffen as she noted the door was cracked open. As she stared, it opened the rest of the way, revealing the man who had been listening to everything.

“Kyle!” Claire squawked and then covered her mouth with horror at having given the gig away.

Kyle arched his eyebrows sternly, but merely said, “I find it hard to believe that neither of you thought to check to see if you were alone in the bathroom before talking so freely. Anyone might have heard you.”

“But how did you get here?” Jill asked with dismay. “We left you at the table.”

“I followed.”

“When? I didn’t see you,” Jill said with bewilderment.

“You were busy talking to Ted when I slipped by. Telling him you weren’t interested in his offer to start dating again,” he added dryly.

“He had the balls to ask you out again?” Claire asked with amazement, then smiled. “So you got to be the dumper after all.”

“It wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be,” Jill told her morosely. “Really, he turned out to be a major greaseball.”

Claire started to pat her back in sympathy, then gave a startled bleat as Kyle suddenly tugged her into the men’s room.

“Hey!” Jill followed them, but Kyle just dragged Claire into a booth and slammed the door in his sister’s face.

“Would you care to explain?” he asked as he bolted the door.

Claire opened her mouth, but he forestalled her by saying, “On second thought, don’t bother. I heard enough to understand. I gather the destabilizer had an effect after all?”

“Did it!” Jill snorted from outside the booth even as Claire nodded.

Kyle tossed a glare toward the door, but merely asked, “More than the chameleon effect?”

“Yes,” Claire said reluctantly. “I can shape-shift.”

“I take it you discovered this while I was at the grocery store?”

Claire nodded again.

“And you didn’t tell me when I came back.”

Claire eyed him warily. Kyle’s expression was blank; no emotion showing at all, but there was something in his voice that suggested he wasn’t at all happy.

“Why?” he finally asked, allowing his anger to now show.

“Because she didn’t want you to see her as a lab rat,” Jill answered from outside the booth when Claire hesitated.

“A lab rat?” Kyle unlocked the door and jerked it open to glare at his sister.

Jill immediately squeezed inside, forcing Claire to move between the toilet and one wall of the booth.

Kyle hesitated, then pushed the stall door closed and bolted it again. “What do you mean she didn’t want me to see her as a lab rat?”

“Well, you’re a scientist,” Jill pointed out with a shrug, as if that said it all. Then she added, “And you’d finally just asked her out after the two of you have mooned over each other for years. Claire didn’t want to spoil it by telling you what had happened. She was afraid the scientist in you would start to see her as an experimental subject rather than a date.”

Kyle hesitated for a moment, then opened the door again and pushed his sister out.

“Hey! You can’t leave me out here,” Jill protested as he locked the door again. “What if someone comes in?”

“Then get out of the men’s room,” Kyle suggested.

There was a moment of silence, then the tap of Jill’s high heels moved into the booth on their right as she said, “Not on your life, brother. This is partially my fault and I am not leaving you two alone to screw things up.”

Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed, but turned to Claire and said, “I may be a scientist, Claire, but I could never see you as just an experiment. I am a man, too.”

A snort came from overhead, drawing their attention to the fact that Jill had apparently mounted the toilet to look over the top of the stall.

“Will you leave us alone?” Kyle asked with exasperation.

“Not till I straighten this out,” Jill insisted. “I love you two too much to see you ruin this chance.”

Kyle opened his mouth to snap at her, then seemed to change his mind. “Okay, say what you have to say and then go.”

Jill nodded her satisfaction, and turned to Claire. “See, he isn’t as stupid as most men. He knows women are better at communication and lets me talk.”

Claire bit her lip to keep back a laugh and nodded solemnly.

“So, Kyle,” Jill turned her attention to her brother. “Claire’s liked you forever. I’ve listened to her moan over you since we were twelve, and if you think it’s easy hearing someone rhapsodize over your brother, think again. But she was my friend and she liked you, so I put up with it. And Claire.” She turned to Claire now. “Kyle has been secretly lusting after you for just as long. He’s had a snapshot of you in his wallet since he started carrying a wallet, and he has another bigger picture of you hidden in his top drawer at home.”