Kim Harrison - Dates From Hell

Claire was about to remind her that she didn’t really have a date with a big star, when Jill suddenly cursed and began to urge her to move faster.

“Ted and Magda are closing in,” she hissed.

“Great,” Claire muttered as they hurried out of the gym. They hadn’t gone far when Ted called out after them.

Gritting her teeth, Jill gave her a push. “Go on, I’ll handle them.”

Hand tightening on the pictures she still clutched, Claire hurried for the bathrooms, slowly becoming aware of the tap of high-heeled shoes following her. She glanced over her shoulder, expecting to find Jill had only paused long enough to make some quick excuse, then had followed, but instead, found that Jill had been stopped in the hall by Ted and it was Magda trailing after her.

The Barbie doll look-alike gave her a sultry smile and picked up speed in an effort to catch up. Claire just panicked. Her heart lodged itself in her throat, and she broke into a run for the last few feet, and sped into the bathroom. Relaxing a little once the door swung shut behind her, Claire slowed to a walk and glanced around, relieved to find the bathroom was empty.

She walked into the first empty booth, and started to close the stall door, then heard the bathroom door open again. Surprised, Claire paused, blinking at Magda as the woman hurried into the bathroom. The blond’s steps didn’t even slow; Magda rushed forward and straight into the booth, placing one hand on Claire’s chest and forcing her back against the stall wall as she closed and locked the stall door with her other hand.

“Oh Brad.”

Claire stared in horror as Magda pressed eagerly up against her.

“I saw you notice me when you came in with Jill, and felt sure you’d want me. How clever of you to lead me to the ladies’ room.”

Oh dear, Claire thought faintly. She’d unthinkingly entered the ladies’ room rather than the men’s room and Magda was taking that as a come-on. And she couldn’t talk to explain otherwise.

Catching at Magda’s hands as they wandered over her wide “Brad Cruise” chest, Claire used the only avenue of communication she had open to her and shook her head firmly. She then tried to slip past her to unbolt the door and get out; however, Magda wasn’t cooperating.

Laughing as if she thought “Brad” was playing games, Magda shook her hands free to again run them over “Brad’s” body. “Don’t worry. Ted will keep Jill busy. He’s been steaming ever since we saw you arrive. Let them have their fun. We can have our own. I promise I’ll show you a better time than that homely little wannabe ever could.”

Claire stiffened, indignant on her friend’s behalf. Magda was a cow, a man-stealing cow, she decided grimly, then found her ability to think buried under an avalanche of shock as Magda suddenly kissed her. For one moment, Claire was so stupefied she couldn’t think. When her brain did manage to function again, the only thing it spat out was the fact that in high school, the boys had all claimed Magda was an awesome kisser. Claire was no expert, but to her, Magda’s kiss was limp and sloppy. Wait till Jill heard, she thought, then regained enough sense to begin to struggle.

Claire didn’t have to struggle hard this time. While she had been distracted by Magda’s kiss, the other woman had slid her hand down to where Brad’s groin should have been…and got the surprise of her life.

Breaking the kiss, Magda said with shock, “You don’t have a penis!”

“Yeah, well you’re a rotten kisser,” Claire growled in as manly a voice as she could manage. She then shoved her away, pushing her in the only direction available to her, toward the toilet. Unfortunately for the blond, it had obviously been cleaned recently and the toilet seat had been left up. Magda shrieked as she landed with a splash, then began to thrash and struggle to get out.

Claire didn’t wait to see if she did. Unbolting the door, she hurried from the stall and straight out of the bathroom. She didn’t hesitate or glance around, but charged straight out of the women’s washroom and across the hall into the men’s room, then into the first open stall she saw.

Slamming the booth door closed, Claire leaned her forehead against it and took several deep breaths, then groaned. This was bad. Magda would go out and tell everyone that Brad didn’t have a penis and Jill would be upset and—

“Claire? Brad?”

Stilling at the sound of Jill’s voice, Claire unbolted the door, opened it, and dragged Jill inside. “We have a problem.”

“What happened?” Jill asked anxiously as she relocked the stall door. “I saw Magda follow you into the ladies’ room.”

“She kissed me,” Claire blurted with disgust, then added, “And she is a really bad kisser. All those guys in high school must have been lying their heads off. They probably hadn’t even kissed her, because there is no way they would have thought what she gave me was a good kiss.”

Jill stared at her blankly and then burst out laughing.

“Go on, laugh,” Claire muttered. “But you won’t be laughing when you hear the rest.”

Jill stopped at once, her eyes narrowing warily. “What?”

“She grabbed me, only there was nothing to grab.”

Jill blinked, slow to comprehend. “You mean…” Her gaze dropped to “Brad’s” groin.

“Yes.”

Jill frowned. “You mean, you don’t have a ‘package’?”

“Was there a package in the picture?” Claire asked dryly, then answered herself, “No. There were pants. I have pants. No package.”

“Oh, that’s just wrong,” Jill said unhappily and then dug around in her purse, coming up with a black marker. “Give me the picture.”

Perplexed, Claire handed over the pictures she’d been clutching through all this and watched in amazement as Jill put a noticeable bump in Brad’s pants in the magazine photo. “What are you—?”

“There! Now concentrate on the picture and give yourself a package.”

“I’m supposed to be turning back to myself, Jill. I’m here with Kyle tonight, too.”

“Not till we clear this matter up,” she said firmly. When Claire opened her mouth to argue, Jill added, “You agreed to be my date first.”

Sighing, Claire lowered her head and concentrated on the picture, giving herself a definite bump where Brad’s package should have been.

“Nice,” Jill said with approval, then turned to unlock the stall door. “Now we’d better get out of here before another guy comes in and sees us. Everyone would think we were having sex or something.”

Jill had opened the stall door, but now paused as if reconsidering how bad an idea it would be for everyone to think she was having sex in the bathroom with Brad Cruise. Claire gave her a determined push forward. She just wanted to get this over with so she could get back to her date.

“What is it?” Jill asked as they left the men’s room.

Claire followed her gaze to her new bump and shrugged. “A bump. Just a bump.”

“Yeah, but what’s it look like under there?” Jill reached for the zipper of her trousers, but Claire knocked her hand away.

“There is no under there. Under there is me, remember? This is me. There are no clothes. It’s really all just me. ”

“Right,” Jill said slowly and gave an abrupt nod. “We need to find a picture of Brad naked.”

“What?” Claire asked with disbelief and then snapped, “Do not even think it.”

“Oh please,” Jill pleaded. “Just once. You could keep your mouth shut and I could have my fantasy night. You’d never have to buy me a birthday gift or Christmas present ever again.” She tried the pitiful expression that always worked on Claire, but this time she wasn’t falling for it. This whole Brad nonsense was ruining her date with Kyle, a date she’d waited forever for. She was all out of sympathy.