Laurell Hamilton - Affliction

Jean-Claude seemed to think about that for a moment, and then nodded. ‘Very wise, ma petite ; you may be right. Asher was always a weapon to be aimed at someone, or something, by our mistress, Belle Morte. I began as a mere weapon in her arsenal, but I learned to ask more questions and find more answers. Asher was content to follow her plans and then mine.’

‘Yeah, he’s not a planner,’ I said.

‘I fear not,’ Jean-Claude said.

‘He’s powerful enough to be master of his own territory, Jean-Claude, but he doesn’t have the temperament for it.’

‘No, he does not.’

‘He’s never going to,’ I said.

We looked at each other, just a look, but it was enough. ‘Either I have to allow Dulcia to kill him for the insult, or I must order him home to us.’

I shook my head. ‘We can’t let her kill him.’

‘No,’ he said.

‘How long ago did he fuck up this badly?’

‘Not quite a month.’

‘So he was well behaved for almost five months, and then suddenly he starts trying to commit suicide by werehyena?’

‘It would seem so.’

‘We originally exiled him for a month, then stretched it to three, because you said he was making a diplomatic success of it.’

‘He was, and none of us believed he had learned to value home and his loved ones, so I decided to keep him there for a bit longer.’

‘I remember, you were thinking of bringing him home for at least a visit at the six-month mark. You, all of us, hoped that six months away would make him value what he had here with us, and maybe even make him want to try therapy for his jealousy issues and the violent temper that goes with it.’

‘All that is very true, ma petite .’

‘But he didn’t know that he only had another month to behave himself and we’d call him home,’ I said.

‘No,’ he said.

‘So when five months of good behavior didn’t get him what he wanted, he decided to act out like some kind of stupid teenager.’

‘There is a part of him that will always be a foolish child. I do not know why, but he has always been so.’

‘If he can’t get attention for being good, he’ll get attention for being bad,’ I said.

‘Very, very true, ma petite .’

‘So, Asher hasn’t learned a damned thing, and now if we bring him home the bad behavior does get rewarded. Behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated, Jean-Claude.’

‘What would you have me do, ma petite ? You say you will not allow Dulcia to kill him for the insult. After he has harmed all the good diplomatic work that Micah did with Dulcia’s group, I do not believe that our leopard king will allow Asher to simply be moved to another city.’

‘Moving the problem around doesn’t fix it, Jean-Claude.’

‘No, no, it does not.’ He leaned against the wall and rubbed his fingers on his temples, as if he were getting a headache. I don’t think I’d ever seen him make that gesture or known him to have a headache.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked.

‘No,’ he said, ‘no, I am not. If I did not love Asher, then we could simply let his own actions seal his fate, because in his present mood he will keep pushing until someone pushes back.’

‘How do we push back?’ I asked.

‘I do not know. I wish I did not love him.’

‘Ditto,’ I said.

He looked at me then. ‘You do not love him as you love me, or Micah, or Nathaniel. I’m not even certain you care for him as you care for Nicky, or Cynric. What is he to you, ma petite ?’

‘I do love Asher, but I know that some of my deeper feelings for him are a reflection of you and how much you love him, so I honestly can’t always tell where my emotions stop and yours start when it comes to him.’

‘I am sorry for that. I would not have you tormented by mon chardonneret . One of us so bewitched and bothered is enough.’

‘He’s not my goldfinch; that’s your pet name for him. He tried to get me to call him master in the bedroom like Nathaniel does, but you’re the only person on this planet that I’ll call master , and even then only if you need me to do it for vampire politics.’

‘Did he truly believe you would call him master , simply because he dominated you in the bedroom and dungeon?’

‘Maybe, or maybe it was just Asher testing his limits, seeing how far he could push me.’

Jean-Claude nodded. ‘That is very him, unfortunately. He must always see how far he can push a relationship. It is a sign of insecurity and of his perverse nature.’

‘Like you said, unfortunately.’

We stood there in silence for a minute, and then I said, ‘We know all this bad stuff about Asher. He’s just confirmed that he’s learned nothing in exile, and he’ll still be a shit when he comes home.’

‘Yes,’ Jean-Claude said.

‘So why are we even talking about letting him come back to St Louis?’

‘Because if we do not get him out of Dulcia’s territory she will eventually kill him, because he will keep pushing at her until she breaks or we call him home.’

‘Does Asher understand that if she breaks, she’ll kill him and worry about the power fallout later?’

‘Dulcia fears us, ma petite . She fears making an enemy of the first vampire king of America.’

‘Does she fear us enough to keep eating Asher’s insults?’

‘I do not know her well enough to answer that question, but I do know Asher. He is relentless once he decides to be cruel, and he has a true talent for finding that which will alienate, humiliate, or terrify someone.’

‘I have a few memories from you, just glimpses of Asher raping people as entertainment for Belle’s court.’

‘I was forced to help in some of those entertainments, ma petite , or risk taking the place of the prisoner. I chose to be the predator to escape being the victim.’

‘Asher didn’t have to be threatened to do it, though, did he?’ I asked.

‘He delighted in cruelty once. He is better than that now, but the part of him that enjoys giving pain and fear is still inside him. He has found tame avenues for his interests in the bedroom and the bondage and submission games. He understands now that he must play safe, sane, and consensual here with us.’

‘Do you think part of him misses getting to do some of it for real?’ I asked.

‘How can you ask that about someone that you love?’

‘The only part of love that is blind is that first rush of endorphins and craziness; after that wears off, no one knows you as honestly, warts and all, as the people who love you, truly love you.’

‘I have found many people over the centuries who stay blind to the faults of their lovers.’

‘True love means you love the real person, not an ideal that you have in your head and superimpose over them. That’s illusion and lies to me.’

‘But if the lovers are happy in their illusion and lies, what then, ma petite ? Does it cease to be true love because lies are necessary for it to continue?’

‘Yes,’ I said.

He looked at me, surprised and not trying to hide it. ‘Some mystery is needed for love to survive, ma petite . If we knew everything about each other, surely the burden of our crimes, or doubts, would destroy us.’

‘We know Asher is a perverse, cruel, sadistic bastard, but we still love him.’

‘I do not think I would like you to list my faults so clearly. I think it would pain me to know you see me so clearly and so harshly.’

I smiled at him. ‘You have faults, and so do I, but your good points outnumber your bad by a lot. We can’t say the same for Asher.’

‘He is beautiful,’ Jean-Claude said.

‘Very,’ I said, ‘and an amazing top in the dungeon. Since he was my first, I didn’t really understand how hard it is to find someone who enjoys being as edgy as I like for bondage, and there’s no one else sane that comes close to Nathaniel’s needs in the area.’