Carola Dibbell - The Only Ones

She waits till we are home.

Sometimes she just falls in a heap in the courtyard, on our steps, sobbing so hard she can’t even say why, and I’m on the steps with her, holding her. “What happened?”

We just stay like that, me holding her, her sobbing, in her little uniform, with the little yellow tie, till she could get it out.

No one will sit with her.

So I just sit with her on the steps while some leaves fall on our head. I don’t know what to say here. I don’t want her to cry but this is a really different life she’s starting and I got no idea how it works. I got her in a good school but the sitting part is over my head. When I was her age, no one sat with me. They still don’t. Except Ani. All I could think of to say is, “Why not?”

“They, they — Ma!” Her shoulders is shaking under the uniform. “They act like something is,” sobbing and sobbing, “like something is wrong with me!”

Well when she said that I went stiff like wood. Did they figure us out? “What do they say?” I honestly don’t think anyone at that school is bright enough to figure us out. Still.

“Ma! They don’t say anything.” Sobbing and sobbing. “They give me looks.”

Looks. Well I know what that is like, but it is probably ok. “They are Dome girls,” I go. “They never met someone like you. They think you are unique.” Like I got any idea what that is, but I thought it will cheer her up.

It didn’t. She pushed me off, ran inside, and now will not sit with me.

It turns out in her new school, nobody is unique. They will not sit with anyone who is.

Expecially if they got the Aid.

So when a few weeks passed and no one sat with her yet, I ask Ani could she sit with others who are Aid.

“Ma! You don’t know anything.” She is eating Process in the kitchen. She is so hungry when she comes home, she scarfs down one, two Process in case she comes back.P thoughSof9H Paks. And then a whole regular meal. And I got to find some way to pay for all this. “Ma, if they sit with me everyone will know they are Aid too.” The other Aid girls want to pass as regular. In this school, everyone wants to. Even the regular girls. The difference is, the regular girls do pass.

“Ma! What’s for dinner?”

Potatoes.

She hates potatoes.

So that is news to me. I mean, she’s lucky to even have that. The food drops these days is few and far between, and I am generally in Nassau County when they come. We got new expenses too. At East Side Girls she does not get the cuchifrito bus and driver because in Manhattan Dome that’s not how it works. She does get a discount coupon for minivan Transport to and from the ferry. Ani still can’t bring this off herself, but the school gives me Partial for an Aide to walk her through the transfers. I just have to work a few more hours to pay the other part.

I also pay the other part of Ani’s Transport fare.

Also shoes.

My regular client, Mrs. Postow, sets me up cleaning for the Tomko family. So between them, Mrs. Postow, and Lorena Hutz who I already clean for sometimes, by October, I’m working so long I must bust my ass to reach the Stop in time to see her climb off the minivan, hand me her schoolbooks, and say, “I hate that school.” She wore a yellow Cardigan they gave her, to go with the uniform. You can be sure she hates that Cardigan.

“Oh!” I put her books in my bag. I’m catching my breath, I ran so hard. “They will not sit with you still?”

“Ma!” We are crossing Douglaston Parkway. “The other girls are stuck up. They think they are so special.”

Well this at least I know from Mill Rock how it works. I go, “Ani, you are special too!”

Well now she stops right where we are, in her Cardigan, and she goes, “Oh! You are really the world expert, how special I am!”

I will tell you, for a minute there I’m like, well I’m going to knock you from here to kingdom come. I have to take a lot of deep breaths to calm down. But I do. This is a different life. I’m not knocking her anywhere. I just held her books, took deep breaths, and we walked home.

It turns out world expert is the new thing.

In November, another kid starts using the same Northern Boulevard Stop, Agosto. He goes to school in Rego Park. Me and his mother, Yselma, wait together at the Stop. So one day Yselma says, well how does your daughter like her school. I say, well she hates it. Yselma says, oh everyone hates middle school.

I told that to Ani while we were buying Process from some oldie on Northern Boulevard. I thought this will cheer her up, she is regular.

She goes, “Oh. You are really the world expert, what Everyone does.”

And I will tell you, if Cissy Fardo would knock me to kingdom come? Well, if I talked like that to Edgar Vargas, he would make me regret the day I was born. Which I did.

But that is not going to happen here. That was my life. She got a different life. I just pay the oldie, put the Process in my bag, and we walk home, and when we get inside, here we go again. She hates that school, and this is why, it is about the Flip! The other girls all have a Flip. They will not sit with her because she does not have a Flip. They go to a special Dome salon to get the Flip. Oh, A">Ani, Berthe, Chi-Chi, of theNorma Pellicanoonni, I’m having trouble enough paying extra for the Aide, plus the Transport balance, plus what about Christmas gifts? I will cut the Flip myself. No, Ma, no. I will get Alma Cho. So Alma Cho comes by with scissors and cuts the Flip. When it’s finished, Ani looks into the mirror wall and starts to wail. “I hate this Flip!” Goes in her room and slams the door. “Ma!” Sobbing through the door. “Nobody’s Flip looks like this.”

Alma Cho says wet it down. Wet it down.

I say, through Ani’s door, “So it is a little different, but the Hygienic uniform is the same.”

But Ani’s coat is not the same. She only has an old coat Mrs. Postow gave her. She hates that coat.

For Christmas I bought her a fancy one from Norma Pellicano’s friend Darleen.

She hates that too.

Yselma said it is the age. What did I know? When I was Ani’s age, I didn’t know anyone my age. I was the only virgin Edgar Vargas ran. I don’t even remember who pulled out the hairs. At least I do not have to see how many hairs Ani has now because she hides them. If I come in while she’s getting dressed, she covers them up.

Almost spring. She is getting tall. The new thing is, do I know you? She is so busy not knowing me when she gets off the minivan that she trips and falls in the street and when I go to help she does not know me all the way home till we get in our living room with the plaid furniture and the glass tabletop and mirrors. Then here we go again. She hates that school! And this is why, besides that she is Aid and the Flip did not work plus she hates her coat, well it is about a special backpack the other girls have, that is shiny and has an airbag so it could sort of float, and, I mean, ok, that is practical, because you do not have to lug the backpack but what that kind of backpack sells for, this is out of the question. She goes in her room and slams the door.

I hear her crying from her room, in the night.

I’m already cleaning extra hours just to pay her school expenses! And what about the magnet belt!

But she’s crying so hard. I just don’t want her to cry like that.

Now maybe what I’m going to say right here could hurt somebody’s feelings. I’m just trying to be honest. Remember how Janet Delize said about Ani, when she was six days old, “I don’t even know why that poor child was born.” Well, that stupid backpack Ani wants so bad? There is probably a kid somewhere, that’s why they’re born.

iv

Whoa! Out of practice.