Carola Dibbell - The Only Ones

So Ani and I are watching this and I say to the Neighbor’s face, “Well, you are the world expert on who should be born.”

But then the TV person looks out hard and goes, “Sadly, we must agree.”

What happens now, I don’t know if I’m getting an anomaly myself or what, but I went ballistic. “This goddamn cretin! He doesn’t know anything.

Anything.

ANYTHING!”

Ani is so surprised she starts to cry. She’s crying like she did when she was eight years old and I kept yelling, “A clone is like anyone.” And I feel terrible, like I did back then. Why did I make her cry?

But she is not eight now. She’s almost thirteen. When I was thirteen, I did not cry at all. So great. It’s one more way to prove, you know.

Still, I start to wonder if something is wrong with her. She is really crying all the time.

She cries when I get another gizmo and she can’t make it work. “I hate this gizmo!” she sobs.

She’s crying on her thirteenth birthday, because she hates her knees. How could you hate your knees? It’s true they are a little big but maybe they look big because the legs are narrow. She is narrow all over. Except the face. I mean, the face is narrow but not so narrow like mine.

“Ani, nothing is wrong with your knees.” I have to say this through her door because she locked it.

“Oh!” she sobs, through the door that was of the screamingon. “And you know this because?”

So this is the new thing.

Like the last day of school, when her stupid report card comes with a Note she did pass but just barely, even with the gizmo, and if she does not do better will not get into Upper School — which I never even heard of — and I go, “So. Next year, you will do the work.”

She goes, “Oh. And you know this because?”

So that’s the end of Year Two.

We usually go up to the Farm in June, July, or August, and I want to get on Rauden’s case about viable sales, maybe run another Harvest because I really need the bucks. But I don’t want Rauden to know how bad she’s doing. I’m worried it could affect the sales. I message Rauden I got no time off and will try another time.

Right away I wish I went. This summer is a nightmare almost from the start. I don’t have to rush to meet Ani after work but I still got six jobs, then when I’m through I have to do chores at night for oldies. I always need more coupons. And then I have to deal with her.

On vacation she used to be glad to follow me to my jobs and enjoy the Nassau County Domes but this year she’s like, “Ma. I am too old for Games. Let me stay home alone.” Well, that is not going to happen. I don’t like to worry Ani but between you and me, this Idaho vigilante stuff with the baby clone and the fire has me nervous. You did sometimes see those Fundy nuts in robes around. I just don’t think she should be alone. So I have to drag her all the way to Nassau County with me. And we are always late.

8:12 a.m. We’re just leaving. “Come on, Ani. Come on.” She is so slow.

“Ma, I don’t want to go. It’s boring.”

“So bring some summer schoolwork with you.” We’re hurrying up 255 thStreet. “That could really help Year Three.”

“And you know that because?”

“Because Ms. Chaffee said so.”

“I hate Ms. Chaffee.”

“I am not crazy about her myself, but if you don’t do what she says you could lose the Aid.”

“I hate the Aid.” Then she just sat right down on the street.

“ANI! Get up, Ani.” Oh, man. We are going to be late to Lorena Hutz. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

So now she is crying! Right on the street.

“You think something is wrong with me! Everyone does! Everyone thinks something is wrong with me.”

“Ani, get up. Nothing is wrong with you!” We will be so late.

“Oh!” She is sobbing. “And you know this because?”

“Ani! I’m just saying!” Man! Better not say anything. I just go, “Hey! Ani! It’s so hot — on the weekend, want to take the sailtram to the beach?”

She hates the beach.

“Want to do something else?” I’m just trying to get her up off the road.

“I want to go to Migan’s school!”

Where is this coming from? She didn’t see Migan for years. But now that it came up, this does not seem like such a bad idea. She hates East Side Girls. I was not crazy about it myself. Maybe they used up their Diversity at Migan the only one that works, why is it leave want to go toon’s school and could use some more. I could try and track down Lore and Dana, but what if I need to come up with Partial? Let’s see what’s going on with sales from the Farm. It’s more than a year since the Newburgh Harvest. We should of got some call by now.

When we finally get to Lorena Hutz’s personal Dome, late, I sneak off while Ani watches TV and message Rauden from her personal Board. WHAT ABOUT THE SALES?

While she is playing a Game at the Tomkos’ personal patio Dome, I sneak back to Lorena Hutz’s personal Board for Rauden’s reply. WE NEED TO TALK.

While Ani is home in bed, I sneak off to Oakland Gardens, where they still had floaters like the kind I used in the old Queensbridge days, and I finally got through to Rauden who is like we cannot talk. I go, I thought we have to talk. Not This Way. It is not safe to talk This Way. Come up to the Farm. So here we go again! I do miss the Farm and Rauden but am nervous what will happen if he finds out how Ani is doing.

I tell Rauden I will get back to him. Then I start to walk home. Then I think I see someone in robes! I backtrack, go zigzag, then take the long way home around the golf course. By the time I get to bed it’s so late I wake up almost too tired to do anything. But I must get up, get dressed, mix breakfast Process, and here we go again.

“Ani! Time to leave.”

“Ma! I’m hot.”

Sometimes I started to think Janet Delize was right. I should of showed her who was boss when I had the chance. Too late now.

Thirteen years, three months old.

“Ani! Want to help me with my chores?”

She does not want to help.

Cissy Fardo showed me who was boss. Edgar Vargas showed me who was boss. That did not work out so great — I ended up with my life. Do I have to let Ani show me who’s boss so she will have a different life? I just don’t know how this works. In the morning before she wakes up, I study Alma Cho’s old pamphlets on the steps. It turns out the Parent is suppose model, what they call, role model.

But what if I don’t want her to be me?

I don’t know who to go to for advice. I’m not going to ask Janet Delize or she’s going to say I should of shown Ani who was boss. I’m not going to ask Rauden or he’s going to say, oh! Oppositional? That’s it for the track record.

Thirteen years, four goddamn months old.

Still alive.

I goddamn was too.

We are on Northern Boulevard waiting for the Transport for the first day of Year goddamn Three at East Side goddamn Girls, with Ani in the Third Year Hygienic uniform, with the Royal Blue new goddamn tie. I don’t even know how I got to September. It’s still goddamn hot, one of the hottest. We’re the only ones at the Stop this year. I don’t know what happened to Yselma and Agosto.

Ani is just standing away from me, squinting at the ground. This is the new thing. Squinting. She squints all the time. She just takes a few steps to the road to check is the Transport coming, in this year’s new Crewes I bought her at Iron Triangle for school. She got lipstick. Man! Where did she find that? I think she got taller. We still could pass. She really has a whole different shape from me, in the uniform, and the tie, and the lipstick.

She looked so cute.