Carola Dibbell - The Only Ones

Well Lore and Dana say, oh! It is a really good school. And I’m like, thanks, but I don’t think it is going to work, because what a Free School like that charges, hello? I can’t pay that in a million years! The Dome is like a different world.

Lore and Dana say, oh! She could get Aid. Which I never heard of. Oh well, these schools have Aid to admit Diversity so their regular kids will know what it is. Don Park got it, as Asperger. Maybe Ani could too, as City Line kid. They will check it out as a favor, but it turns out Free School has all the Diversity it needs, we could maybe get a Partial but how could I even pay that? Diversity, Partial — like I have any idea what any of this means?

Still, I’m disappointed when Free School doesn’t give us Aid because I was already thinking if I die in a fire while Ani is at Free School, what are the chances Lore and Dana would not take her? Then I’m like, hello? By the time she starts school she will be eleven years, four months old, and then I’m like shut up, I. Shut up.

Ani is so disappointed she bursts out crying. “Ma! I wanted to go to Free School with Migan!”

And I say, “Oh! Ward Island is a good school.” I’m just trying to cheer her up.

It doesn’t work. She just keeps sobbing, “I want to go to a Dome school with Migan! Ma! I do not want to go to Ward Island,” until it gets on my nerves so bad I just go, “Much as you are jiggling twelve years old and livesi Quonseton, who else is even going to take you?”

So then none of us says anything. I could see she is really upset. I don’t even know why I said that.

It’s just, I could hardly stand the suspense if I’m going to die in a fire. I am doing the deep breathing and trying to think straight.

“I did not jiggle!”

It is like you do not know how to read all over again. You just have to agree. So in the end I just go, “No. You did not jiggle.”

She did though.

Sometimes, when I think of everything that happened in the next few months, I think, who started what when? Was it me, about the jiggling or even about the fire? Was it her? What changed what?

What happened now, Ani and me get invited to the Diversity Fair on Roosevelt Island, in case some Dome schools need more Diversity than they had, so we’re all set to go, but there is a rumor of some lesser flu from Bushwick, so the Fair is postponed. At this point she is ten years, nine months old.

And maybe you are thinking, come on, just three more months till she’s eleven, it’s going to be all right. Well, the closer she got, the worse I worried if I die in a fire in the last stretch that is almost the worst of all.

When they finally let us on Roosevelt Island for the Fair, it’s just two months till she turns eleven and I’m in such a state about the goddamn fire I don’t even care if Ani jiggles or anything. Right away they hose us down. Ani is really upset and I’m like, ha, ha! They used to do it all the time! When our name is called, I’m just going, oh, hi! Ha, ha. We didn’t really need the hosing! Because we’re Creedmoor hardies, here are our Proofs. I’m sure they’re going to go, oh wow, a Creedmoor hardy! It’s going to be like the Mound all over again, next thing you know they’ll want to sell Ani’s teeth and hair, but it turns out the school with one place open already has a Creedmoor hardy. By the way, I forgot to worry about anybody noticing anything, because I was too busy worrying if they admit her to the school, then I die in a fire, who will put her on the bus?

But they didn’t.

Ten years, eleven months.

She is Waitlisted for one Diversity spot.

Like I even know what that means. What was I thinking? A Dome school is even letting Ani in? We already tried.

Ten years, eleven months, twenty-nine days. I am staring at one of the clocks Alma Cho had gave me. Ani’s already in bed but I am staring at the clock.

Ok! She’s eleven years, zero minutes old! I’m still alive. I start to run and jump until Ani calls out from her bed, “Ma! I know it is my birthday but calm down.”

So then I just lie in the bed and look at the ceiling, in the dark. So ha ha ha. Is this a different life or what?

So, it’s a beautiful summer night. She is eleven years, one month old. She graduated. They all did, because the B of E shut the school down, so all the kids get a flower and diploma and the Parents cry because the only thing the B of E ever thought was special about our kids was, Needs. I’m putting the diploma on the wall while Ani is getting ready for bed. She graduated. I did not die in a fire. Am I happy now or what? Well, maybe I would of been but it is always something.

“Ani? Are the yellow pjs on?” I go in her room, where she is standing in the beautiful summer night with the yellow pj bottoms in her hand, wearing the yellow pj top">Ani, Berthe, Chi-Chi, of the sort of on, and looking down.

What happens now is, she got hairs.

iii

I know, I know.

I KNOW!

It’s nature.

What did I know about nature?

I went and did the head under the tap thing that Rauden does. The plumbing worked. I came out, breathed deep, and told her it is part of nature.

She is like, ok. She just looked down at the hairs.

I went back in the bathroom, did the tap again, came out dripping wet, breathed deep, and said, “The bleeding is part of nature. It is how they used to get kids. Do not have unprotected sex.”

She stares up at my big wet head. Then down, at her little hairs, between her legs that are not as little as they used to be.

Then she goes, “Ma! I know!” She pulls her yellow pj bottoms on and starts to hop. She hops down the stairs to the courtyard. I go to the kitchen window and watch her hop. She hops all around the courtyard in the dark. It is a long time since she hopped. I don’t know why she’s hopping now.

At least I got this over with. It’s true I was stiff like wood, I said bleed, not ministrate. At least I did not say, the Curse. At least I didn’t try to pull the hairs out.

I wanted to though. I cannot get it off my mind.

Man! What is it with me? My little girl is growing up. I didn’t die in a fire. She graduated, it’s the most beautiful summer I ever saw. And I am like, ok, the fire thing is off the table. Here come the hairs. It’s nature! I want to pull them out. Why would I even do that? What do I, want her running virgin Cures?

I had an Episode.

“Ma!”

I got up off the floor. “What? ”

She stared at me. Then she hopped away. I went in the kitchen to start dinner. What is this with the hopping? She’s hopping all tt don’t think she should. I don’t even know why.

I don’t even want to see her with her pants off.

Well, it is June. I’m trying to message Rauden from Little Neck and set up our regular summer visit, but I stop to read something from the B of E, one of those PARENT SCHOOL AGE CHILD things the pigeons used to drop. HELLO! YOUR SCHOOL AGE CHILD IS ENROLLED IN IS 243, CORONA MIDDLE SCHOOL.

What happened to Ward Island?

“Ani! Stop hopping!” She is hopping all around the Board. “Ani!” She does not stop.

I bump the message off and try again. The Board crashes. This one always does. We just walk home. But I can tell you this. She’s not going to Corona.

Next day the Board works and I message Rauden we are coming up. No time to lose.

Corona! That’s where the fire was. That’s where the foster care was Edgar Vargas bought me from, after Cissy Fardo died. I could of been Ani’s age by then. I could of had the hairs. She’s not going to Corona. I am going to make goddamn sure of that. Henry will hack the B of E and put her in Ward Island where she is supposed to be.

Well, here is what happens now.