David Larson - The Myth of the Anal Probe

“What?” Mike said like he was coming out of a trance.

“Really Mike,” Brizio said.

Tawny and another woman helped John off the table, and were cleaning up his face.

“I’m sorry,” Mike said to John. Then to everyone, “really I’m sorry I don’t know what…”

Tawny was crying and trying to help John out of the room.

“Tawny,” Mike called after her. “I’m so sorry.”

“Come on buddy,” Brizio said. “Let’s just get you home.”

“Yeah,” Mike said dazed. “Let’s get me home.”

Serilda’s office was crowed and everyone there had a look of dire concern on their faces. Bob and Tawny sat on one side of the office and Gary was sitting stiff in his three-piece suit on the other.

“I said this was a giant mistake from the beginning,” Gary said. “I told you Bob that these people were far to primal to bring them here and turn them loose in our society.”

“Yes, you did,” Bob said. “And obviously I should have listened. But…”

“There’s no but here, Bob,” Gary said. “ But is what got us here in the first place.”

Bob was smirking.

“What the hell is so funny,” Gary demanded.

“Nothing,” Bob said suppressing a grin. “You said butt got us here. I just thought it was funny. Never mind. Wrong place, wrong time, I guess.”

Serilda shot Bob a nasty look.

“Ok, ok,” Bob said. “I’ll be good.”

“What do we do with Mike now?” Serilda asked. “Obviously send him home of course.”

“Obviously,” Gary agreed.

“Can’t we just give him a little time to make amends for what he did?” Tawny asked. “I’m just afraid that if we banish him right now it might do irreparable harm.”

“I’m not worried about harming him ” Gary said, “we have no way to confine him here. We’ve never had to deal with anything like this before. We have absolutely no idea where he might be, and what he might be doing right this minute.”

“That’s not totally true, Gary,” Bob said. “And you know it.”

“Brizio is with him right now and if Mike were try to go anyplace Briz would let us know.”

“Let us know so we could do what?” Gary demanded. “Run after him and ask politely that he not punch anyone else in the face? Suggest that attacking people might not be in his best interest? You have a wolf unleashed around sheep and your idea is to let the wolf calm down so he can try and be a sheep again.”

“I think that’s a little melodramatic,” Bob said.

“Let’s ask John if he thinks it’s melodramatic,” Gary suggested. “I think he might have a completely different opinion. Oh, that’s right, he’s still recovering from a broken nose.”

Bob stayed silent.

“I think that the question of sending Mike back is fairly simple,” Serilda said. “He goes back on the very next deep space flight. According to what the space center tells me that’s tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Tawny said. “He’ll be devastated.”

“I imagine he will,” Serilda said. “But we have to sacrifice his comfort to the safety of the rest of our community.”

“What kind of security do you suggest we use on the trip back?” Gary asked.

“Security?” Bob said. “What do you mean by security.”

“What I mean is that you’re going to have a volatile human riding on an intergalactic space trip that will have freedom to do as he pleases.”

“Come on, Gary,” Bob said “what would he do out there?”

“I thought you were the great lover of Earth films,” Gary said.

“I am.”

“Prometheus, Space Odyssey, Alien… 1, 2, 3, and 4. Need I say more?”

“Those are movies, Gary. The fiction part of science fiction. They’re not real.”

“They may not be real, Bob, but they’re the things that live in these people’s heads. It was humans that created these stories in the first place. Mike is not safe unrestrained on a ship.”

“He’s not nuts, Gary,” Bob said defensively. “He’s just… delicate… in a twisted sort of way.”

“That’s enough,” Serilda said. “We’re going to send Mike back in the morning. We’ll keep someone with him tonight and make sure he stays home. In the meantime Gary, see what you can figure out for security measures on the trip.”

“Who’s going to tell him he’s leaving?” Tawny said.

Looks were exchanged around the room.

“I’d like to do it,” Tawny said. “I think it should be me.”

“No,” Bob said. “You tend to make him stupider than he already is. I got him into this mess, so I’ll tell him he’s going back. I’ll ride with him on the trip home to keep an eye on him also. I think it’s better that way.”

“Alright,” Serilda said. “But be careful. I don’t want another incident.”

“Careful is my middle name,” Bob said smiling. “Or is it danger . I forget sometimes. Maybe Julio. Who knows?”

“Hey buddy,” Bob said as he walked into Mike’s home.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Mike asked. “Did you come to gloat?”

“How many times have I told you to stop smoking crack?” Bob said. “What on earth would I have to gloat about?”

“Tawny,” Bob said dejectedly. “I’m sure it’s over between us. I’m not sure I can ever make that right.”

“Hold on, Amigo,” Bob said. “I never wanted to come between you and Tawny. The thing that I can’t get into your head, is that there is no one else for Tawny. You’re not for Tawny. Only Tawny is for Tawny. I don’t know how else to get you to understand that I’m not standing in your way here. Relationships are just different on Hale. You got caught up in one, and your drowning in it.”

“I just want to see her again,” Mike said. “Do you think you could make that happen for me? I know that if I just could talk to her one more time I can get her to understand everything.”

“That’s not going to happen brother,” Bob said. “That actually is why I’m here right now.”

“What do you mean?” Mike asked suspiciously.

“I mean that you’re going back to Earth.”

“What? When?”

“First thing tomorrow morning,” Bob said sadly. “I was trying to plead your case but I’m afraid it’s out of my hands now.”

“You,” Mike said. “You were trying to plead my case.”

Bob was silent for one of the first times in his life.

“You want to stand here and feed me some sort of worthless bullshit about you trying to keep me from going back to earth… tomorrow!”

“Why are you so upset, buddy,” Bob said. “I honestly did everything I could…”

“Liar!” Mike yelled into Bob’s face. “I’ll be out of the way now and you’ll be free to worm your way back into Tawny’s life.”

Mike turned his back on Bob.

“How could I have been so stupid,” Mike was muttering to himself. “How could I not have seen that it was you all along that was going to torpedo my plans with the woman I love?”

“Hold on,” Bob said as he reached up and touched Mike on the shoulder.

Mike spun around and punched Bob right along the side of his head. Bob went to his knees and tried to stand back up. The entire inside of Mike’s home went black. The only things visible were the two men and the silver spike of the antenna in the middle of the floor.

Bob struggled back up to his feet.

“Stop brother,” Bob struggled to get things back under control. “Just stop for a second…”

“Stop!?” Mike yelled as he grabbed Bob by his shirt almost lifting him of the floor in his rage. “Stop? So what, you miserable lump of shit, so you can lie to me some more?”