David Larson - The Myth of the Anal Probe

And she had spent quite a lot of time on Mike’s home planet. “Jesus,” Mike thought to himself. “Home planet. How long have I been here? Hardly long at all, and already I think of a home planet like it was an everyday happening. Like going out to dinner on a Friday night.”

Combine all of these things with the fact that he could have an actual conversation with her in his natural language and not wonder if the translator was getting everything right. For all he knew he was explaining why businessmen wear ties and the translator was actually saying that he loved to have sex with tree frogs. But still, people seemed to get what he was saying. They were horrified in the right places, laughed where they should, and responded like they knew what he was saying.

But watching Tawny’s lips. Well… that was something altogether different. He could watch those lips all day, and for that matter all night without losing interest. He was too old to think he was instantly in love. And he was young enough to realize that he was currently in lust. Love could happen he guessed. It wasn’t like he was disgusting after all. And it looked like she might be into him as well.

Pretty much all of those questions were about to be answered.

Mike had been sitting in his living room trying out different design patterns. First it was a gym, then a Bedouin tent, then a Balinese beach hut. Of course, he had been thinking about Tawny. Possibly thinking about her too hard.

“Hello?” the TV said.

Mike about fell off his wicker lounger. Tawny was on his TV looking at him.

“Ummmmm,” Mike stumbled for words.

“Oh,” Tawny said in recognition, “hello Mike. How are you?”

“I’m, ah, fine,” Mike said. “I was just thinking about you.”

“Apparently,” she said smiling “pretty hard too. You called me.”

“Oh man,” Mike said “I guess I butt dialed you with my head.”

A wide smile spread across Tawny’s face.

“Is that where your head was?” she asked.

“What?” Mike blushed, “no, I mean yes, I mean… hello.”

“What can I do for you Mike.”

“Only everything,” Mike thought.

“I just wanted to tell you,” he finally said, “how much I enjoyed meeting you. And how much I enjoyed the interview.”

“Really?” she said. “You didn’t seem like you were enjoying it at all. In fact, you looked positively devastated at times.”

“Yeah,” He said, “I guess that part is true, but only in regard to what I was talking about. Certainly not the company I was keeping. That was one of the most pleasant things that ever happened to me.”

He smiled a little and looked down. Kind of like a 6th grader talking to his first crush on the playground.

“How would you like to get together sometime?” Tawny asked.

“That would be great!” Mike answered, just a little too quickly. “When would be good for you? Are you off on the weekends?”

“We don’t have weekends here Mike. Or the concept of a weekend. Or off for that matter. We work while there’s work to do and take off when there isn’t, or where there’s a good place to stop till the next day.”

“Yeah,” Mike said, “I know better than that. Old habits and all that I guess.”

“When would be good for you?” He asked.

“Tomorrow would be great,” she said. “I’ll send you directions on what time and how to get to the park. I think you’ll like it.

“Until then,” she said smiling that deep, warm, inviting smile.

“Yes,” Mike said, “I can’t wait.”

Now he was on the tram that was speeding its way toward his destiny. He had never been this nervous in his entire life. And that was saying something. After all he had been abducted by aliens and questioned on their mother ship.

The tram whooshed to a stop in a pasture that was covered by what seemed to be genuine southern live oaks. Mike stepped out onto the spongy soft grass closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath of sweetness. A pathway led off through the live oaks and disappeared into the foliage. Butterflies the size of a quarter flitted around his head. The beating of their wings sounded like soft, melodic harp music, and they smelled like… honeysuckle. Yeah, the butterflies smelled like honeysuckle and sounded like soft harp music. It was all pretty heady stuff for the Earthman as he strode down a path that he hoped would bring him to the beautiful Tawny.

Mike could hear music playing in the background. Local music, that never made sense but sounded beautiful. The path wound around a few moss-covered rocks that were currently serving as homes for amazingly large and beautiful ferns. Jackalopes, or whatever they were, played around the periphery of the woods. Mike came around a gentle curve in the path and suddenly there she was. Sitting on a bench under a natural wood gazebo. Her eyes were closed as she swayed back and forth to the music that appeared to be coming from just the other side of the trees. She had a look of complete and unvarnished bliss on her face and Mike could have easily surrendered to the fact that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together right on that small bench, under the beautifully crafted gazebo, while jackalopes played underneath harp playing butterflies.

“Hey,” Mike said as he stepped lightly up to the bench.

“Hey yourself,” Tawny said as she slowly opened her eyes.

Watching those eyelids roll slowly up to reveal the all-encompassing beauty of her eyes was like watching a curtain rise on the most beautiful sunrise the planet had ever seen.

“Have a seat,” she said. “I thought this would be a good place for us to talk a little.”

“It really is amazing,” Mike said. “I’m still trying to get used to the local plant, animal, and insect life here.”

“Is anything on this planet carnivorous,” he asked, “or does everything have an aversion to killing?”

“Actually quite a few of the species here hunt, kill, and eat meat,” Tawny said.

“Why haven’t I seen anything like that since I’ve been here?” he asked her as he sat on the bench.

“They are all pretty territorial,” she said, “just like most animals on earth. We just build our homes and villages in places that don’t encroach on their habitats.”

“If we didn’t,” she continued looking off into the distance, “we’d put ourselves, and them, in jeopardy. Eventually we’d have to do something to eradicate the problem. That would lead to an imbalance of the habitat, and we would have to do something else synthetic to fix that issue. After a while we’d just be chasing our own tails trying to control nature.”

“I get the picture,” Mike said. “The only thing you didn’t add was ‘like you clowns do’.”

“We aren’t big on name-calling,” she said looking back into his eyes, “but if you leave the clowns part out, then yeah.”

“Who’s playing the music?” Mike asked. “Is there a concert of something going on near here?”

“No, I imagine it’s just some other people in the park enjoying the day.”

“I have to admit,” Mike said “I really like the music here. But the lyrics are a little, I don’t know, odd.”

“It’s because you’re listening through your translator with your ears,” she said. “Close your eyes.”

Mike closed his eyes and he felt Tawny gently slide one delicate finger down the side of his temple as she shut off his translator. Her touch was just as electric and exciting as he knew it would be. But, at the same time it was soft and gentle and soothing. That one stroke of her finger seemed to take all of his emotional burdens away. It seemed to him that everything was suddenly going to be just fine. It seemed like the entire universe had just come to a sudden and definite halt, so it could allow Mike the time he needed to drink in the soul cleansing touch he had just experienced.