Robert Asprin - Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

"So we're supposed to keep the peace and apprehend criminals while we're understaffed and using equipment that's outdated and falling apart. About all we have to work with is our instincts... and then we get hassled for using that!"

He came to a halt in front of me, and pushed his face close to mine, treating me to another blast of his breath. I didn't point it out to him.

"Well this time we're going to see just how good my instincts are. I'm letting you go for now, but it occurs to me it might be a good idea to run a check on you on other dimensions. If you're just an innocent businessman like you claim, we won't find anything... but if I'm right," he gave me a toothy grin, "you've probably tangled with the law before, and we'll find that too. I'm betting you've left a trail of trouble behind you, a trail that leads right to here. If so, we'll be talking again... real soon. I don't want you to switch hotels or try to leave the dimension without letting me know, understand? I want to be able to find you again, MISTER Skeeve!"

‘Parting is such sweet sorrow."

—FIGARO

THE POSSIBILITY OF an extensive check on my off-dimension background worried me, but not so much that I forgot my manners. J.R. had saved my skin in the alley fight, and, throughout the police grilling, a part of my mind had been searching for a way to repay him. As we left the police station, I thought I had the answer.

"Say, J.R.," I said, turning to him on the steps, "about that business you want to start... how much capital would you need to get started?"

I could see his neck stiffening as I spoke. "I told you before, Mr. Skeeve, I won't take a reward for saving your life."

"Who said anything about a reward? I'm talking about investing in your operation and taking a share of the profits." That one stopped him in his tracks.

"You'd do that?"

"Why not? I'm a businessman and always try to keep an eye open for new ventures to back. The trickiest thing is finding trustworthy principals to manage the investments. In your case, you've already proved to me that you're trustworthy. So how much would you need for this plan of yours?"

The street vendor thought for a few moments.

"Even with backing I'd want to start small and build. Figuring that... yeah. I think about five thousand in gold would start things off right."

"Oh," I said, intelligently. I wasn't about to question his figures, but the start-up cost was higher than I had expected. I only had a couple thousand with me, and most of that was going to cover Edvick's services and the hotel bill. So much for a grand gesture!

"I'll... uh... have to think about it."

J.R.'s face fell.

"Yeah. Sure. Well, you know where to find me when you make up your mind."

He turned and strode off down the street without looking back. It was silly to feel bad about not fulfilling an offer I didn't have to make, but I did.

"Well, I guess it's time for us to head back to the hotel... right Skeeve?" Kalvin chimed in.

I had botched the job with J. R., but I resolved that this one I was going to do right.

"No," I said.

"No?" the Djin echoed. "So where are we going in stead?"

"That's the whole point, Kalvin. We aren't going anywhere. I'm going back to the hotel. You're going back to Djinger."

He floated up to eye level with me, frowning as he cocked his head to one side.

"I don't get it. Why should I go back to Djinger?"

"Because you've filled your contract. That means you're free to go, so I assume you're going."

"I did?"

"Sure. Back in the alley. You used a spell to sober me up before I had to fight those goons. To my thinking, that fulfills your contract."

The Djin stroked his beard thoughtfully.

"I dunno," he said. "That wasn't much of a spell."

"You never promised much," I insisted. "As a matter of fact, you went to great lengths to impress me with how little you could do."

"Oh, that," Kalvin waved his hand deprecatingly. "That's just the standard line of banter we feed to the customers. It keeps them from expecting too much of a Djin. You'd be amazed at some of the things folks expect us to do. If we can keep their expectations low, then they're easier to impress when we strut our stuff."

"Well it worked. I'm impressed. If you hadn't done your thing back there in the alley, my goose would have been cooked before J.R. hit the scene."

"Glad to help. It was less dangerous than trying to lend a hand in the fight."

"Maybe, but by my count it still squares things between us. You promised one round of minor help, and delivered it at a key moment. That's all your contract called for... and more."

The Djin folded his arms and stared, frowning into the distance for several moments.

"Check me on this, Skeeve," he said finally, "I've been helpful to you so far, right?"

"Right," I nodded, wondering what he was leading up to.

"And I've been pretty good company, haven't I? I mean, I do tend to run off at the mouth a bit, but overall you haven't seemed to mind having me around."

"Right again."

"So why are you trying to get rid of me?"

Suddenly, the whole day caught up with me. The well meant advice from the Butterfly, the drinking, the fight, the head-butting with the police all swelled within me until my mind and temper burst from the pressure.

"I'M NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU!!" I shrieked at the Djin, barely aware my voice had changed. "Don't you think I want to keep you around? Don't you think I know that my odds of finding Aahz on my own in this wacko dimension are next to zip? Damnit, Kalvin, I'M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU!!!"

"Um... maybe you could be a little less nice and quit shouting?"

I realized that I had backed him across the sidewalk and currently had him pinned against the wall with the force of my "niceness." I took a long, deep breath and tried to bring myself under control.

"Look," I said carefully, "I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just..."

Something trickled down my face and it dawned on me that I was on the verge of tears. On the verge, heck! I was starting to cry. I cleared my throat noisily, covertly wiping away the tear as I covered my mouth, hoping Kalvin wouldn't notice. If he did, he was too polite to say anything.

"Let me try this again from the top."

I drew a ragged breath.

"You've been a big help, Kalvin, more than I could have ever hoped for when I opened your vial. Your advice has been solid, and if I've been having trouble it's because I didn't listen to it enough."

I paused, trying to organize my thoughts. "I'm not trying to get rid of you... really. I'd like nothing better than to have you stick around at least until I found Aahz. I just don't want to trade on our friendship. I got your services in a straightforward business deal... one you had no say in, if your account of how Djinger works is accurate. If I sounded a bit cold when I told you I thought our contract was complete, it's because I was fighting against begging you to stay. I was afraid that if I did, it would put you in a bad position... actually, it would put me in a bad position. If I made a big appeal to you and you said no, it would leave us both feeling pretty bad at the end of what otherwise has been a mutually beneficial association. The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be if you agreed to stay out of pity. Then I'd feel guilty as long as you were around, knowing all the while that you could and should be going about your own business, and would be if I weren't so weak that I can't handle a simple task by myself."

The tears were running freely now, but I didn't bother trying to hide them. I just didn't care anymore. "Mostly what you've done," I continued, "is to keep me company. I've felt scared and alone ever since I hit this dimension... or would have if you hadn't been along. I'm so screaming afraid of making a mistake that I'd probably freeze up and do nothing unless I had somebody in tow to applaud when I did right and to carp at me when I did wrong... just so I'd know the difference. That's how insecure I am... I don't even trust my own judgment as to whether I'm right or not in what I do! The trouble is, I haven't been doing so well in the friendship department lately. Aahz walked out on me, the M.Y.T.H. team thinks I've deserted them... heck, I even managed to offend J.R. by trying to say thanks with my wallet instead of my mouth."