Robert Asprin - Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

"What kind of a silly question is that? Of course I want to."

Kalvin was waving frantically at me and pointing to J.R. The street vendor was shaking his head in a slow, but firm, negative.

"... Um... before I make up my mind on that, Captain," I hedged, trying to figure out what J.R. was thinking, "could you tell me what happens if I don't press charges?"

"We can probably hold onto them until tomorrow moming for questioning, but then we'll let them go." That didn't sound like particularly satisfying treatment for a gang that had tried to rob me. Still, J.R. seemed to know what he was doing so far, and I was disinclined to go against his signaled advice.

"... And if I DO press charges?" I pressed, trying to sort it out.

"I'm not a judge," the captain shrugged, "so I can't say for sure... but I can give you my best guess."

"Please."

"We'll charge them with Attempted Robbery and Assault with Intent To Do Great Bodily Harm... I don't think we could make Attempted Murder stick."

That sounded pretty good to me, but the policeman wasn't finished.

"... Then the court will appoint a lawyer—if they don't already have one—who will arrange for bail to be set. They'll probably raise the money from a bondsman and be back on the streets before noon tomorrow."

"What? But they..."

"It'll take a couple of months for the trial to be scheduled, at which point it'll be your word against theirs... and they're not only locals, they have you outnumbered." I was starting to see the light.

"... That is, if it gets to trial. More than likely there'll be some plea bargaining, and they'll plead guilty to a lesser charge, which means a smaller sentence with an earlier parole—if the sentence isn't suspended as soon as it's handed down..."

"Whoa! Stop! I think I'll just pass on pressing charges."

"Thought you would," the captain nodded. "It's prob ably the easiest way for everybody. After all, you weren't hurt, and you've still got your money."

"Of course, the next person they jump may not be quite so lucky" I said dryly.

"I didn't say it was the best way to handle it, just the easiest."

Before I could think of a witty answer to that one, a uniformed policeman rapped at the doorframe, entered the room, and passed a sheet of paper to the captain. Something about the way the latter* s lips tightened as he scanned the sheet made me nervous.

"Well, well, Mis-ter Skeeve," he said at last, dropping the paper onto the desk in front of him. "It seems this isn't the first time you've dealt with the police since arriving in this dimension."

"Uh-oh," Kalvin-exclaimed, rolling his eyes, "here it comes!"

"What makes you say that, Captain?" I had a hunch it wouldn't do any good to act innocent. Unfortunately, I didn't have any other ideas about how to act.

"What makes me say that is the report I just received. I thought I should check with the other precincts to see if they had heard of you, and it seems they have."

"That's why they've been stalling," J.R. put in. "To wait until the reports came in. It's called police efficiency." The captain ignored him.

"According to this, you've had two run-ins with the police already. First for acting suspicious on the public streets..."

"I was being polite instead of barreling into people!" I broke in, exasperated. "I'm sorry, I was new here and didn't know ‘rude' was the operative word for this dimension. You should put up signs or something warning people that being polite is grounds for harassment on Perv!"

The captain continued as if I hadn't spoken. "... And later that same day, you tried to get out of paying for a pretty expensive meal."

"I fainted, for Pete's sake! As soon as I came to, I paid for the meal, even though I hadn't eaten a bite."

"Now that in itself sounds a little suspicious," the captain said, pursing his lips. "Why would you order a meal you couldn't, or wouldn't, eat?"

"Because I didn't know I couldn't eat it when I ordered it, obviously. I keep telling you... I'm new here!"

"Uh huh," the policeman leaned back and studied me through slitted eyes. "You've got a glib answer for every thing... don't you. Mister Skeeve."

"That's because it's true! Would I be less suspicious if I didn't have answers for your questions? Tell me, Captain, I really want to know! I know I'm not a criminal, what does it take to convince you?"

The captain shook his head slowly.

"Frankly, I don't know. I've been on the force for a long time, and I've learned to trust my instincts. Your story sounds good, but my instinct tells me you're trouble looking for a place to happen."

I could see I was playing into a stacked deck, so I abandoned the idea of impressing him with my innocence. "I guess the bottom line is the same as before that sheet came in, then. Are you going to press charges against me... or am I free to go?"

He studied me for a few more moments, then waved his hand.

"Go on. Get out of here... and take your little street buddy with you. Just take my advice and don't carry so much cash in the future. There's no profit in teasing the animals."

If I had been thinking, I would have let it go at that. Unfortunately, it had been a long day and I was both tired and annoyed... a dangerous combination. "I'll remember that, Captain," I said, rising to my feet. "I had been under the impression that the police were around to protect innocent citizens like me... not to waste every body's time harassing them. Believe me, I've learned my lesson."

Every policeman in the room suddenly tensed, and I realized too late that there was also no profit in critiquing the police.

"... And if we don't check on suspicious characters before they make trouble, then all we're good for is filling out reports AFTER a crime had been committed," the captain spat bitterly. "Either way, ‘innocent citizens' like you can find something to gripe about!"

"I'm sorry. Captain. I shouldn't have..." I don't know if he even heard my attempted apology. If he did, it didn't make a difference.

"You see, I've learned my lesson, too. When I first joined the force, I thought there was nothing better I could do with my life than to spend it protecting innocent citizens... and I still believe that. Even then I knew this would be a thankless occupation. What I hadn't realized was that ‘innocent citizens' like you are not only ungrateful, the tendency is to treat the police like they're enemies!"

I decided against trying to interrupt him. He was on a roll, lecturing about what seemed to be his favorite subject. Opening my mouth now would probably be about as safe as getting between my pet dragon, Gleep, and his food dish. "Everybody wants the crooks to be in jail, but nobody wants a prison in their community... or to vote in the taxes to build new jails. So the prisons we have are over crowded, and the ‘innocent citizens' scream bloody murder every time a judge suspends a sentence or lets an offender out on parole."

He was up and pacing back and forth now as he warmed to his subject.

"Nobody sees the crimes that aren't committed. We can reduce the crime rate 98%, and the ‘innocent citizens' blame US for that last 2%... as if we were the ones committing the crimes! Nobody wants to cooperate with the police or approve the tax allocations necessary to keep up with inflation, so we can't even keep abreast of where we are, much less expand to keep up with the population growth."

He paused and leveled an accusing finger at J.R. "Then there are ‘innocent citizens' like your buddy here, who admits he's running an illegal, unlicensed business. What that means, incidentally, is that he doesn't have to pay any taxes, even the existing ones, although he expects the same protection from us as the storekeepers who do, even though most of them cheat on their taxes as well."