Robert Asprin - Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

"... And how can we be of service to you today?"

"Well, Malcolm, I'm a businessman visiting here on Perv," I said, aware as I spoke that I was unconsciously falling into a formal speech pattern. "My expenses have been running a bit higher than I anticipated, and frankly my ready cash supply is lower than I find comfortable. Someone suggested that I might open a line of credit with your bank, so I stopped in to see if there was any possibility we might work something out."

"I see."

He ran his eyes over me, and much of the warmth went out of the room. I was suddenly acutely aware of how I was dressed.

After overdressing for my interview with the Butterfly, I had decided to stick with my normal, comfortable, informal appearance. I had anticipated that bankers would be more conservative than financiers, and that a bank would probably be equipped to detect disguise spells, so it would be wisest if I was as open and honest as possible. Courtesy of a crash course by Bunny, my administrative assistant, on how to dress, my wardrobe was nothing to be embarrassed about, but I probably didn't look like most of the businessmen Malcolm was used to dealing with. His visual assessment of me reminded me of the once-over I would get when encountering a policeman... only more so. I had a feeling the banker could tell me how much money I had in my pockets down to the loose change.

"What line of work did you say you were in. Mister Skeeve?"

I noted that the "Mister" had reappeared, but wasn't up to arguing over it.

"I'm a magician... Well, actually I'm the president of an association of magicians... a corporation." I managed to stop there before I started babbling. I've noticed a tendency in myself to run on when I'm nervous.

"... And the name of your corporation?"

"Urn... M.Y.T.H. Inc."

He jotted the information down on a small notepad.

"Your home offices are on Klah?"

"No. We operate out of Deva... At the Bazaar." He glanced up at me with his eyebrows raised, then caught himself and regained his composure.

"Would you happen to know what bank you deal with on Deva?"

"Bank? I mean, not really. Aahz and Bunny... our financial section usually handles that end of the business." Any hope I had of a credit line went out the window. I didn't know for sure we did any banking. Aahz was a stickler for keeping our funds readily available. I couldn't imagine a bank wanting to deal with someone who didn't trust banks, or to take my word for what our cash holdings were... even if I knew what they were.

The banker was studying his notes.

"Of course you understand, we'll have to run a check on this."

I started to rise. At this point all I wanted was out of his office.

"Certainly," I said, trying to maintain a modicum of poise. "How long will that take, just so I'll know when to contact you again?"

Malcolm waved a casual hand at me as he turned to a keyboard at the side of his desk.

"Oh, it won't take any time at all. I'll just use the computer to take a quick peek. I should have an answer in a couple of seconds."

I couldn't make up my mind whether to be astonished or concerned. Astonished won out.

"... But my office is on Deva," I said, repeating myself unnecessarily.

"Quite right," the banker responded absently as he hammered busily on the keys. "Fortunately, computers and cats can see and work right through dimensional barriers. The trick is to get them to do it when you want them to instead of when they feel like it."

Of the assorted thoughts which whirled in my mind at this news, only one stood out.

"Do the police have computers?"

"Not of this quality or capacity." He favored me with a smug, tight-lipped smile. "Civil services don't have access to the same financial resources that banks do... Ah! Here we go."

He leaned forward and squinted at the computer's screen, which I couldn't see from where I sat. I wondered if it was coincidence that the view was blocked from the visitor's chair, then decided it was a silly question. "Impressive. Very impressive indeed." He shot a glance at me. "Might I ask who handles your portfolio?"

"My portfolio? I'm not an artist. I'm a magician... like I told you."

"An artist. That's a good one, Skeeve... you don't mind if I call you Skeeve, do you?" The banker laughed as if we shared a mutual joke. "I meant your portfolio of stocks and investments."

His original warmth had returned... and then some. Whatever he had seen on the screen had definitely improved his opinion of me.

"Oh. That would be Bunny. She's my administrative assistant."

"I hope you pay her well. Otherwise some other outfit might be tempted to swoop down and hire her away from you."

From his tone, I could make a pretty good guess as to which outfit might be interested in doing just that.

"Among other things, she holds stock in our operation." I said pointedly.

"Of course, of course. Just a thought. Well Mis... Skeeve, I'm sure we can provide you with adequate financial support during your stay on Perv. What's more I hope you'll keep us in mind should you ever want to open an office here and need to open a local account." Pervects have an exceptional number of teeth, and Malcolm seemed determined to show all of his to me without missing a syllable. I was starting to get impressed myself. I had known our operation was doing well, but had never stopped to assess exactly how well. If the banker's reaction was an accurate gauge, however, we must have been doing very well indeed!

"If you'll give me just a moment here, Skeeve," he said, lunging out of his seat and heading for the door, "I'll get the staff started while we fill out the necessary paperwork. We should be able to have some imprinted checks and one of our special, solid gold credit cards ready for you before you leave."

"Hold it, Malcolm!"

Things were suddenly starting to move uncomfortably fast, and I wanted a bit of clarification before they went much further.

The banker stopped as if he had hit the end of an invisible leash.

"Yes?"

"As you can probably tell, I'm not as at home with financial terms as I should be. Would you mind defining ‘ adequate financial support' to me... in layman' s terms?"

The smile vanished as he licked his lips nervously. "Well," he said, "we should be able to cover your day-to day needs, but if you were to require substantial backing...say, over seven figures, we'd probably appreciate a day's warning."

Seven figures! He was saying the bank was ready to supply me with up to ten million... more if I gave them warning. I resolved that when I got back to the office, I was going to have to have Bunny go over our exact financial condition with me!

"You can judge the success of a man by his bodyguards!"

—PRINCE

EDVIK WAS VISIBLY impressed by my success with the bank. That was all right. I was impressed, too.

"Gee! A solid gold card! I've heard about those, but I've never really seen one before," he exclaimed as I proudly displayed my prize. "Not bad for a guy who didn't think the bankers would want to even talk to him."

"It's my first time to deal with a bank," I said loftily. "To be honest with you, I didn't even know about credit cards until Malcolm explained them to me." A cloud passed over the cabbie's face.

"You've never had a credit card before? Well, watch your step is all I can say. They can be a dangerous habit, and if you get behind, bankers can be worse than Deveels to deal with."

"Worse than Deveels?"

I didn't like the sound of that. Deveels were a devil I knew... if you'll pardon the pun. Now I was starting to wonder if I should have asked a few more questions before accepting the bank's services.

"Don't worry about it," Edvick said, giving my back a hearty slap. "With your money, you can't go wrong. Now then, let's see about finding you a bodyguard."