David Garnet - Bikini Planet

The sky above was thick with pink and orange clouds. There must have been a huge invisible umbrella in the sky, so that construction work wasn’t halted by the incessant rain.

But nothing seemed to halt the building. Norton had glimpsed a number of off-worlders, humans and various aliens, who must have been supervising the island’s transformation. There were gangs of Caphafers all looking very busy, although they didn’t seem to play any actual part in the construction process. Nor were there any girders, cranes, concrete mixers, prefabricated slabs. Everything was very quiet. It was almost as if the towers built themselves, silently spiralling ever upward.

When Norton first met Diana, he’d thought she was a waitress. Here, the waitress was a mermaid. He was a long way from home, and he was getting used to it. Being served by a red amphibian with webbed hands and feet, wearing a blue bikini, seemed relatively normal.

The first Caphafer Norton had seen was wearing a yellow bikini. Those who were watching the buildings go up were in green, while the restaurant staff were clad in blue.

Why bikinis? There was something very familiar about this, but Norton wasn’t sure what it was.

“The natives eat the fish raw, complete with the heads, fins, scales, guts,” said Diana. “You can have yours cooked any way you want, Wayne.” She paused. “Should I call you ‘Wayne,’ or would you prefer ‘Sergeant’?”

“I wasn’t a sergeant. Call me Wayne, it’s my real name. Is yours ‘Diana?’ ”

“Of course not.”

“Or Travis?”

“No.”

“Eliot Ness?” said Kiru.

“No,” said Norton. “The real Eliot Ness was a gang-buster, not a gangster. Is that why you’re wearing my suit?”

“Your suit?” said Diana, frowning.

“Yeah. I ordered two of those on Hideaway, from that shop run by the Algolan princess. Is the other in the violin case?” He gestured to the case by Diana’s feet. “I designed that as well as the suit.”

“Did you?” said Diana, reaching down for the case and putting it on the table. She opened the lid to reveal a data-set and comscreen. The inside of the lid was mirrored. Diana leaned close and inspected her face. The case also contained a bag of makeup, and she brushed her eyebrows. “It’s ideal.”

“Can we get some food?” said Kiru.

This was to be the first meal for the first guests in the new restaurant, a trial run. Probably the only kind of trial Diana would ever have to face, thought Norton. “On the house, naturally,” she’d said. It had to be. He didn’t have any money, and he guessed that neither did Kiru.

“I’ll order the wine,” said Diana. “Red?”

“White,” said Norton. That was the only thing he knew about wine: red with meat, white with fish.

Diana summoned the mermaid. Although the Caphafer was wearing a bikini, Norton knew that didn’t mean it was female. Not that he cared anything about the sex of an alien, of course. What bothered him was Diana’s gender. She’d kissed him. They’d shared the same bed. Nothing had happened, and now he was very grateful.

“I arrived on Hideaway as a woman,” said Diana, looking at Norton. “I left as a man,” she added, looking at Kiru. “In between, I needed a change of clothes. I found this wonderful emporium run by a fugitive princess, and she had exactly what I needed.” She ran her fingers over her jacket lapels. “And it looks good on me now, don’t you think?”

“Perfect,” said Norton. “You’re a gangster, so you should wear a gangster suit.”

“Are you trying to tell me something, Wayne?”

“Yeah. You’re mixed up with the space pirates, which means—”

Diana held up her hand to interrupt him. “Space pirates,” she said, “that’s such an outdated term. These are businessmen, galactic entrepreneurs.”

“They’re criminals,” said Norton, “and you’re a criminal. I thought you and Travis… er… both of you, either of you, I thought you were a police officer. You told me I was working for GalactiCop. Instead, you used me as a cover for criminal purposes. You’ve made me into a gangster.”

“Is that why you wanted the suit?”

“No!”

“What’s the matter, Wayne?” said Kiru. “Everyone knows that cops are criminals.”

“Why did you check into Hideaway under the name ‘Robin Hood?’ ” asked Diana. “A hood who robs people. Did criminals once wear hoods, is that where the name comes from?”

“No. It’s short for ‘hoodlum.’ Robin Hood was…” Norton shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is, you lied to me.”

Diana laughed. Kiru laughed. After a few seconds, Norton also laughed. He shrugged. What did it matter now? What did anything matter?

The alien in the blue bikini brought out a tray with a decanter of wine and three glasses, started to pour the wine, but spilled most of it. Diana took over instead.

“New to the job,” she explained, as she filled the glasses. “Cheers.” It was a toast Norton had taught her when they were spacebus stewards. She clinked her glass against his.

“Here’s to crime,” he said.

Diana looked at Kiru. Kiru brought her glass against Diana’s, perhaps too hard, as if maybe trying to break it. Nothing broke.

“In your century, Wayne,” said Diana, “there wasn’t much co-operation between the police and criminals. Because there was so little communication, it meant conflict and an inefficient use of resources. It’s much better for everyone if the two sides can work together.”

“Organised crime, you mean?” said Norton.

“Exactly!” Diana clinked her glass against his again. “We had to merge, amalgamate. And now that Earth is pulling out of the Crash, we have to think galactically, not just globally. We’re competing against the universe.”

Kiru was watching her. “You talked about being in two places at once,” she said. “Does that include Arazon? Did I first meet you there? Were you the pirate boss who led the decoy attack on Hideaway?”

“No.”

“Who was he? Where is he now?”

“No idea.”

“You must know something,” said Kiru. “Your arrival on Hideaway and the timing of the pirate raid were coordinated.”

“Not my area of responsibility,” said Diana. She sipped at her drink. “What do you think of the wine?”

“A bit salty,” said Norton.

“Yes, we’ll have to do something about that. It’s made from kelp.”

Norton pulled a face, then remembered the origins of the water he’d had to drink on board the escape pod. He much preferred something made from wholesome seaweed.

“Keep it salty,” he said. “People will get thirsty, drink more of it, get even thirstier, buy even more.”

“What a great idea,” said Diana.

“It’s an old idea. If there are free salted nuts in a bar, people get thirstier, buy more drinks. In Las Vegas, they gave away free drinks. If you give away something for free, people will spend more on everything else.”

“Great,” said Diana. She smiled and poured three more glasses of wine. “Great.”

“When are you going to tell him?” said Kiru.

Norton looked at her, looked at Diana. “Tell me what?”

“Where was the place you came from?” said Kiru.

“Vegas,” said Norton.

“This,” said Kiru, gesturing beyond the red buildings going up all around them, “is going to be Vegas World. And it’s all because of you, Wayne.”

“Not all,” said Diana.

“Vegas World?” said Norton. “That’s a lot easier to say than Caff… what is it?”

“Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf,” Diana and Kiru said together.

“Yeah, Cafe World.”

“What did you say?” said Diana.

“Cafe World,” Norton repeated.