David Glick - 50 Ways to F**k the Planet

‘Forget carbon footprints or ozone layers. The dangerously high level of sarcasm contained in this book could destroy the planet singlehandedly…’

ZOE BALL & NORMAN COOK

‘A fresh approach to serious issues, this is one book about environmental issues that people should read.’

DAVID DE ROTHSCHILD, ADVENTURER AND ENVIRONMENTALIST

‘I wholeheartedly support this book. It’s a clever way to get people thinking about our future’.

HARVEY GOLDSMITH CBE

‘A book launch that I actually want to do the cooking for.’

GEORGIO LOCATELLI, CHEF

‘What a great, irreverent approach to this hugely challenging issue.’

ALEXANDER MCQUEEN CBE

‘What a refreshing read. A really amusing book with green credentials that doesn’t preach. Hallelujah!’

PETE TONG, DJ

The statements, comments or opinions expressed by the authors of this book are entirely their own. Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of information but it cannot be guaranteed. Neither the authors nor the publishers can be held responsible for the actions of any individuals, or groups, believed to be misusing the content of this book.

Cover Page

Title Page 50 Ways to F**k the Planet Mark Townsend & David Glick

Dedication The statements, comments or opinions expressed by the authors of this book are entirely their own. Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of information but it cannot be guaranteed. Neither the authors nor the publishers can be held responsible for the actions of any individuals, or groups, believed to be misusing the content of this book.

Introduction

Tested on Animals

1 To bee or not to bee

2 A hard halibut to break

3 Space invaders

4 Chemical reaction

5 Tusk, tusk

6 The krilling fields

7 Seed the world

8 Blow me

9 Erode to hell

10 Seal you later

11 A whale tragedy

12 Water shame

13 One helluva fungi

14 Going ape

The Ends of the Earth

15 Spruced up

16 Con with the wind

17 Bottom trawling

18 Palm feeder

19 Eau naturel

20 Not soya good

21 Sea of change

22 Arrested development

23 Green light

24 Radiating fury

25 Climate of fear

26 Germ warfare

27 Not so slick

Politically Incorrect

28 Grin and beer it

29 When Porsche comes to shove

30 Greenwash

31 The final frontier

32 Appetite for destruction

33 Flying low

34 Nuclear wasters

35 Going bananas

36 Great wail of China

37 The sex factor

38 Pulp friction

39 The butt stops here

40 Warm front

41 Emission impossible

42 Oh my green god

43 Cold comfort

44 Food fright

45 Green gas

46 Material world

47 Eco worriers

48 Brothers in arms

49 Rock squalid

50 Blaze of glory

Resources

Index

50 Ways to F**k the Planet

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Publisher

We have all dreamed of living for ever. Possibly even the planet, at some point, imagined itself to be invincible. Then along came humans with their revolutionary industrial activity and started upsetting the natural order. About now Mother Nature must be wondering whether she will even reach the menopause. Reality bites, sweetheart.

So how should the average human respond to this impending doom? Three choices present themselves. First up is the path of true virtue. Your every waking decision must be factored to minimize your footprint on the planet. Don’t fly. Don’t flush. Pass judgment on everyone else whilst you weep over a plate of sustainable steamed spinach at the goddamn wastefulness of it all.

Then there’s the middle-way. You recycle the odd beer can and wipe your behind with green loo roll. You cycle when sunny. Your conscience is salved. It’s a nice, comfy way but one that is taking us anywhere but a nice place.

The final option is all about the future. In short, that there is no future. Only today. Hell, optimism went out with square wheels. Treat every day as if it is your last and one day it will be. So, put your foot down like never before, it’s time to enjoy the planet. Why deny yourself its fruits? These days, self sacrifice is only for those intellectually bankrupt enough to believe they can actually make a difference. It’s far too late. Earth is in the terminal cancer ward with tubes rammed up its nose. It’s dying for a cigarette and so are you. Go on, light up and enjoy one last gasp together. Who says the collapse of planet Earth need be all doom and gloom? Take a look at the major corporations, the politicians, the neighbours across the way with their big cars and whirlpool jacuzzis. They’re all having a laugh. They appreciate the virtue of living for the moment. Ignore the do-gooders. History will articulate their actions as no more than the final Band-aid to be slapped on the Thames Barrier as it sinks beneath the rising tide.

This book is for all those who are courageous enough to cease pretending that they are doing something worthy. It’s a fifty point manifesto that’s honest enough to encourage what no-one dares admit. Ostensibly, it tells you how to f** k the planet, royally, with a great, steaming rocket shoved up its overblown behind. It tells you how to murder polar bears, mangle seabeds, eradicate honeybees, torch large forests, trigger a nuclear apocalypse, spread killer germs and become morbidly obese. In addition, instructions abound for how to create the most environmentally challenged eco-fashion label, manufacture an excessively extravagant rock band, throw the party to end all parties and, of course, how to die (because immortality doesn’t exist, remember?) in a suitably wasteful manner.

The guidance in this book is strictly reserved for those who are deadly serious about ruining the planet in the shortest time possible. Some suggestions require minimal effort; some you might, quite laudably, already be engaged in. Some demand like-minded participants, others require individuals with the rarefied wealth and political access only a few can boast. But do not fret; you’ll be surprised at the support you’ll be able to count on. There’s something here for everyone.

Even if you pursue only a modest selection of the suggestions that follow, take heart from the knowledge that you have contributed to Mother Earth’s mid-life crisis. In fact, you will have played a part in the most seismic chapter of her existence. Your dreams of immortality might not be realised, but your actions will change the course of history. Enjoy the party my friend, you did in fact make your mark on the Earth.

Buzz off

* Wipe out honeybee population

* Enjoy your picnic in peace

* Destroy countryside and crops

* Save your £1 coin for something better than a wonky trolley

It may be small but it’s certainly not lacking in fertility. The honeybee is a rampant member of the insect world, visiting flower after flower in a frenzy of pollination. Humans rely upon its promiscuity for flora, fauna and food. In your efforts to totally f**k the planet, there’s an easy way to eliminate this bumbling competition. Very soon the bee will not be.