David Garnet - Bikini Planet

“No!” said Wayne, putting his foot on the weapon.

Kiru elbowed him in the stomach. He grunted in pain and doubled up. She grabbed for the gun, but Wayne’s foot was still pinning it down, and now he also held it with one hand. Kiru turned and rushed toward the edge of the skimmer. Before she could leap off, Wayne seized her.

“What’s going on?” he said.

“Let me go!” Kiru demanded, trying to shake him off. “Let me kill her!”

But Wayne held her even tighter, his arms encircling her elbows and waist, and Kiru could do nothing except glare at the woman responsible for her ending up on Arazon.

Back on Earth, cold and hungry, Kiru had used her talent to open a door. It turned out to be the door of a police base. If a male officer had been inside, there would have been little problem; an arrangement could have been made. Instead, there was a female. This female. Who had arrested her. And Kiru had been exiled to Clink.

“Relax,” said Diana. “Be calm. Think. You hate me. You think you hate me. Because you got a rough deal and were deported to Arazon. But if you hadn’t gone there, you’d never have reached Hideaway, never have met… him.”

Kiru glanced over her shoulder at Wayne.

“You think he was worth any of that?” she said.

“What man’s worth anything?” said Diana.

“I’m worth it,” said Wayne. “Aren’t I?”

Kiru and Diana both looked at him, then looked at each other. They both shrugged.

“What are you doing here?” asked Wayne. “Where’s Colonel Travis?”

“I am Colonel Travis,” said Diana.

“Promoted, huh? Okay, but where’s the other Colonel Travis? You know, your father?”

“That’s me,” said Diana. “I’m him.”

“Where’s Eliot Ness?” asked Kiru.

“That’s me,” said Diana, again. “I’m Eliot Ness.”

It wasn’t raining.

That was the third thing Wayne Norton had noticed on reaching the island.

The first was Diana.

The second was what she was wearing: his suit, the one he’d designed and ordered on Hideaway from Xenbashka Bashka Ka, alias Princess Janesmith of Algol.

Norton had to make do with what looked like a sleeveless undershirt and a pair of long-johns. Short long-johns, which only reached his knees. Red, of course. The only alternative seemed to be a bikini, which was the standard uniform for the Caphafer construction workers who were transforming their own world.

It wasn’t really a bikini. The upper half was more like a scarf, the same width all around, while the lower half resembled a pair of shorts. Norton wasn’t sure what purpose the top served because all the Caphafers were flat-chested; as for the second part, he was prepared to accept Kiru’s word.

These garments provided almost the only variation in colour on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. Everything else was some shade of red, even Kiru’s skintight outfit. Apart from Diana’s gangster suit.

Or Colonel Travis’s gangster suit.

Or Eliot Ness’s gangster suit.

One thing was certain: It wasn’t Wayne Norton’s gangster suit.

Diana had said she’d arrived on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf with Kiru. Kiru had said she hadn’t, that she herself had arrived in an escape pod with Eliot Ness. Diana had claimed she was Eliot Ness. Kiru’s description of the person named Ness matched that of the man who’d told Norton his name was Colonel Travis. Eliot Ness and Colonel Travis were one and the same, Norton could accept that, but Diana also claimed she was Colonel Travis.

“But you’re father and daughter,” said Norton.

“Exactly,” said Diana. “I’m both father and daughter. There’s male and female in all of us.”

“Not in me,” said Norton. “Not in my time.”

“Eliot Ness is older than you,” said Kiru, who was sitting with arms folded, staring at Diana, trying to kill her with her eyes.

They were at a three-sided table in a plaza at the centre of the island. Norton realised this was the first time he’d been on solid ground since leaving Earth, the first time he could see further than the wall of a spaceship or satellite or lifeboat. All around them loomed red conical towers. None of them had windows, Norton noticed.

“We’re the same age,” said Diana. “I’m the same age. I’ve had a rejuve. In my role as a senior male authority figure, it’s better to look older, more distinguished. As a female, it’s always better to be young and attractive.” She studied Kiru for a few seconds, then took off her hat.

For a moment, Norton thought he could hear faint music. He glanced at Diana’s hat before looking around as she shook her hair free. The style was different again. Her hair was long, jet black, in a single plait.

“You can’t be Travis,” said Norton. “I was with him when I first met you. You were both there at the same time.”

“What’s the point of being two people if you can’t both be in the same place at the same time?” said Diana.

“But you aren’t two people,” said Norton. “You’re one.”

Diana shrugged. “Who’s counting?”

She’d claimed that, in her male guise, she had reached Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf in the same escape capsule as Kiru. But Norton remained silent about his own travelling companion. He didn’t want to mention Grawl because it would scare Kiru if she knew; and as Diana hadn’t referred to another survivor, which she surely would have done if Grawl had been found, it seemed safe to assume he had drowned. Norton had to admit he wasn’t sorry.

“What was my secret mission?” he asked. “Why was I sent to Hideaway?”

“You were there as me,” said Diana.

“But you were there.”

“I was there as Diana. You were there as Travis. That was why you were attacked on the ship: They wanted to stop Travis getting to Hideaway. Understand?”

“Er… yeah.”

“You were using him as a decoy,” said Kiru, “just like you used the pirate attack on Hideaway as a diversion.”

Diana looked at her. “Who told you that?”

“I worked it out.”

“I haven’t worked it out,” said Norton. “Will someone tell me?”

“When the escaped convicts from Arazon invaded Hideaway,” Diana told him, “it was to divert attention from Eliot Ness’s more subtle assault on the asteroid.”

“You mean your assault?” said Norton.

“Depends which way you look at it.”

Norton preferred to look the other way, and he glanced around the plaza. Construction work was so rapid, he was sure the nearest buildings had grown since he’d last looked.

“What were you doing while the pirates attacked Hideaway?” asked Kiru.

“Every guest there is guaranteed absolute anonymity and complete confidentiality,” said Diana, “although naturally all their details are recorded. During the raid, I was copying the data on Hideaway’s biggest-spending clients.”

“So you could invite them here?” said Norton. “Never-to-be-repeated opening offers for pre-selected lucky customers.”

“Who told you that?” said Diana.

“I worked it out,” he said. “A mailing list? This was all about getting hold of a mailing list? I hope it was worth it.”

Diana didn’t answer. “Shall we order?” she suggested. “Or shall I do it for you?”

“Yes,” said Norton.

“No,” said Kiru.

The were sitting at the only table in the only restaurant on the planet.

“I recommend the fish,” said Diana, and she smiled.

“I hate fish,” said Norton.

“Too bad,” said Kiru. “That’s all there is. Seaweed and fish.” She also smiled.

The table was a proper table, with legs. The chairs also had legs. There was an open umbrella above the table, which must have been essential on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. It wasn’t raining, however. In fact, not a single drop had fallen on the island in the short while since Norton had reached land.