Sheri Tepper - Grass

Shoethai was so accustomed to his appearance and to the way people reacted to it that he no longer showed his hurt and outrage, though the emotions seethed below the surface, more malevolently violent with every passing day. Elder Fuasoi could have sent someone else. Yavi, or Fumo. Either of them. They didn’t look like much but they didn’t look like monsters, either. The question was eternal. “Why me?”

Back in Sanctity, very occasionally some well-meaning idiot had tried to comfort Shoethai by saying something like, “Still, you’re glad to be alive, aren’t you? You’d rather be alive than dead, wouldn’t you?” Which just went to show how stupid and unfeeling they were, mouthing cliches at him that way. No, he would not rather be alive. Yes, he would rather be dead, except he was afraid of dying. Best yet would be if he’d never lived at all, if they’d let his father kill him when he tried to. Father, at least, had cared about him and wanted what was best for him. What was best was never to have been born or, if that wasn’t possible, never to have lived past a few weeks when he was still too little to know anything. What would have been absolute best was never to have looked at this face, conscious that it was his own.

Still, the Elder Brother hadn’t sent Fumo or Yavi. The Elder Brother had sent Shoethai, and that meant something. It meant that Fumo or Yavi weren’t supposed to know about this shipment. If Fumo and Yavi weren’t supposed to know, then Elder Brother Jhamlees Zoe didn’t know, and Sanctity didn’t know either. And that meant it was something that only Shoethai and Fuasoi knew about, only those two.

“Do you know what Moldies are?” the Elder Brother had asked him one day, out of nothing, while Shoethai was cleaning the Elder Brother’s office.

“It’s martyrs of something,” Shoethai had said.

“Martyrs of the Last Days,” the Elder Brother had said. “A group of men who are dedicated to hastening the end. Have you ever read the Book of Ends ?”

Shoethai merely stood there, mouth open, shaking his head. Of course he hadn’t read any Moldy books. You could get yourself terminated by Sanctity for reading Moldy books.

The Elder Brother had read his mind. “I know. It’s among the forbidden volumes. Still, I think you’d be interested in reading it, Shoethai. I’ll grant a dispensation for you. Take the book with you when you leave, but don’t let anyone else see it. Particularly, don’t let Jhamlees Zoe see it.”

It wasn’t even a reader. It was an old-style book, with pages. Elder Fuasoi laid it out on the desk and just left it there, an old brown thing with the words Book of Ends in gold across the front. Shoethai had hidden the book in the deep pocket of his robe, had read it only when he was alone — which was most of the time. By now he had it almost memorized and frequently quoted sections of it to himself.

“Garbed in light, we will dwell in the house of light,” he recited to himself now as he sucked his tea through the gaps in his teeth. After the end of mankind would come the New Creation. In the New Creation he would no longer wear this face and this body. In the New Creation he would no longer be deformed. He would dart like a spear, clothed only in radiance, beautiful as an angel. Elder Fuasoi had taken particular notice of this, reading the proper section from the book and pointing to the illustrations, but Shoethai had believed it from the moment he read it for himself. It was as though it had been written just for him. Fair was fair. If people didn’t have a fair try in this life, they would in the next one.

“Let the changes come,” he whispered, inhaling another sip of tea. “Let the New Creation manifest itself.” The manager of the dining room had brought the tea after a furious whispering match with his two waiters. Shoethai prayed silently that the waiters would be among the first to be cleansed away, most painfully. Of course it would be painful. Elder Fuasoi had already told him that. Elder Fuasoi had seen the plague. Elder Fuasoi had actually spent almost a year in a plague camp. Elder Fuasoi was a Moldy. He said nobody could see the plague and be anything else.

Once Elder Fuasoi confessed that he was actually a Moldy, Shoethai had become a willing and dedicated convert even though they were the only Moldies on Grass and Jhamlees Zoe would have them both killed if he found out. Doing what the Moldies needed doing didn’t need more than two. Two, Elder Fuasoi had told him, would be more than enough.

“Bless me, O Creator,” Shoethai mused silently as he stared through his own image at the scurrying figures around the ship, “for I will cleanse thy house of ugliness.” Ugliness itself was a sin against Creation. The Elder Brother had even hinted that the Creator had given Shoethai this face in order to make explicit to Shoethai a certain knowledge, the knowledge of the absolute depravity and unworthiness of man, printing that message on Shoethai’s flesh for everyone to see. Elder Fuasoi said that what Shoethai appeared to be on the outside, all mankind actually was on the inside. What Shoethai looked like, mankind actually was. Misshapen. Deformed. A freak of Creation. Intelligence should not exist in such stinking, fallible flesh. Flesh was all right for animals, but not for intelligent beings, and mankind was an experiment that hadn’t worked out. For the few who helped clean up the mess, there would be divine rewards. And for the others there would be a final end which would leave the universe cleansed and purified and ready to start over.

Below him, he saw ground vehicles moving from the ship toward the port building. The shipment would be in one of them. Brother Shoethai decided to stay where he was for a time. Let the crowd clear away before he went down to the cargo office. There was no hurry. Once Elder Fuasoi had the shipment and distributed it, everyone on the planet would die, but it would take some time. The virus didn’t work for a long time, sometimes — There was no hurry. An hour more or less would make little difference. Shoethai giggled as he sipped at his tea. Then, seeing what the giggle did to his reflection in the window, he stopped and turned slightly away so that he would not be able to see himself anymore.

In his office at the Friary, Elder Brother Noazee Fuasoi leaned on his desk, choking down the pain from his belly. The second stomach and gut transplant hadn’t worked any better than the first one, even though the office had scoured the penitents for as close a tissue match as possible. That was the best the doctors could do here on Grass, and even then they’d objected that the donor hadn’t made a free gift of his body prior to getting fatally wounded in the head by (so Elder Fuasoi had informed them) an unfortunate fall from the towers. There were no facilities for cloning body systems on Grass, and while Elder Brother Noazee Fuasoi of Sanctity had sufficient clout to go back to Sanctity and wait while they cloned a gut for him, Jorny Shales the Moldy hadn’t wanted to take the time.

“One would think…” he snarled to himself in a litany that was repeated every time his gut pained him, “one would think the Creator could grant surcease to those of us doing His work.”

“Pardon, Your Emminence?” said Yavi Foosh from his own desk by the window. “Pardon?”

“Nothing,” snarled the Elder. “I’ve got a pain, that’s all Probably something I ate.”

Though it wasn’t anything he had eaten. It was flesh, that was all. Fallible flesh. Full of stinks and pains and rot. Full of weakness and foolish, ugly appetites and dirty excretions. There would be no flesh in the next creation, not for those who had cleaned up this one. Elder Fuasoi gripped the edge of the desk and sweated, thinking of other times and places as he waited for the cramp to pass.