Kristi Helvig: Burn Out

I froze at the next sentence. I read it again, blinked, and started over. I had to be reading it wrong. Since her death, I’d never allowed myself to cry over her for fear I’d never stop. I’d succeeded until now. Silent tears streamed down my face.

I know Tora didn’t mean it; she didn’t know that she’d gone outside again … that instead of locking her in, she’d locked her out .

I threw the journal onto the table.

“What’s wrong? What is it?” Markus asked.

I killed my sister. The one person who meant more to me than anything. My little oasis in a sun-drenched world. My budding artist and lover of flowers. And I killed her.

“Nothing,” I said. I closed my eyes to blot out the world, but a picture of what probably happened played on the inside of my eyelids. At the time my sister had still been alive and scratching at the door, my father had been working in the back room with his door shut, I’d been asleep with the music still playing through my ear pods, and my mother had likely been zoned out on pain meds. It was a miracle she’d noticed my sister was gone at all. But she had. And she’d gone up and found her youngest daughter dead on top of the shelter door she’d been frantically trying to open.

I knew without a doubt what she would have done next. Instead of screaming or yelling for help, Mom had simply gone out, taken off her sunsuit, and shut the door behind her. Her last shred of hope extinguished, she picked up my sister’s body and placed her gently against the nearby rock. Then she’d curled up around my sister and waited.

Suicide by sun. My mother’s will to live, which had been tenuous at best, evaporated completely at the sight of my little sister’s body on the ground. Although I couldn’t remember it, I must have wanted to sleep in peace so I’d locked the door to protect my sister while I slept. They died because of my selfish need for a nap.

I picked up the journal and put it back in my bag. Maybe I’d just let Kale kill me. Suicide by other. I was my mother’s daughter after all. I put my head down on the table.

The room was quiet. Too quiet. No screeching winds in the background.

“It’s about damn time,” Kale said, stretching his legs. “I never thought that would end.” He didn’t even acknowledge my emotional state.

Kale and James stood and headed toward the hatch. Maybe they changed their minds about killing me here. Maybe once on Kale’s ship, they planned to toss me out into space along with Britta’s body. “You can keep her company,” Kale would say as he pushed me through. He’d probably toss Lucy too, for good measure.

But Kale stopped halfway down the hallway. He slapped his hand against his forehead. “Damn, we left the bags back there. Markus, you run to the ship and get her started up. Show that new kid the ropes.”

Markus looked at me. At least one person wasn’t afraid to look in my eyes. “Nope. No offense, Kale, but you said we all needed to stick together.”

“Yeah,” said Alec. “I’m not going without mi ángel .”

James didn’t say a word but his hand clenched into a fist.

Kale’s voice rose. “Soldier, I’m not chancing another night storm sneaking up on us again. Get over there and get us ready to go.”

“It’s okay. Go ahead, Markus. Just take Alec and go.” I heard the dull, flat tone in my voice but I couldn’t help it. Discovering that I’d killed my sister had put a crimp in my motivation to survive. Maybe this was karma. If I died, at least I had a chance of seeing her again—I could explain. I kept my eyes on the floor.

Markus jerked my arm and forced me to look up at him. “Seriously, I’m not leaving you. I feel responsible for this.”

Kale snorted. “We don’t have time for all this feelings crap. Get moving, soldiers.”

Kale and James exchanged glances. They had guns and we didn’t. Kale was probably weighing his options. If he forced Alec and Markus to do what he wanted now, he’d lose the “team” feeling he needed in order for Markus to help fly the ship and Alec to help with whatever his plan was on Caelia. He must have understood that playing for Team Kale didn’t seem like such a winning proposition at the moment.

Markus squared his shoulders and stood straight. “We’ll wait while you grab your bags. If you hurry, we’ll make it.”

James sighed. That one little expression changed some of my numbness to anger. What, was he annoyed that we were holding up the plan to kill me? Jackass.

James turned down the hallway. “It’s fine, sir. I’ll get the bags.” He jogged back to retrieve the bags, and I watched his retreating form with a mix of bitterness and dejection.

Kale’s eyes darted among the three of us, and his finger hovered over the trigger button of his gun which, while not aimed at anyone in particular, was noticeably still in his hand versus in his holster.

Alec glanced at Markus. Could we all just jump Kale and take him down before James got back? When Alec swallowed hard, and the muscles in Markus’ arm clenched, I knew they were going to try.

James pounded back down the hall—two bags in one hand and gun in the other. Damn, he was fast. I admired him and loathed him all at once. Alec took a step back and Markus’ posture relaxed. I’m glad they decided to wait, because who knows what would have happened when James rescued “his commander” again.

“Everyone ready?” Kale asked, trying for an easygoing, isn’t-this-a-fun-adventure voice. To me, it sounded pretty much like his I’m-going-to-kill-you voice.

“Yes, sir,” James said, hauling the bags farther up his shoulder.

I held the satchel close to my side. How long before they’d try to take it from me too?

The winds were calm, and once our helmets were on, Markus and Alec carried Britta’s body to Kale’s ship. We followed with the bags and spare parts. Only James and Kale carried the spare guns though.

The sad thing was, after reading the journal, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the fact that Markus and Alec had bought me a little more time. If things had gone according to Kale’s plan, I’d probably be dead already. I finally understood my mother’s depression and pain, because if all those meds were in my bag instead of James’ medical bag, I might have saved Kale the trouble of killing me.

I might have done it myself.

AS THE SHIP ROSE, A WAVE OF SADNESS ENVELOPED ME AS Earth grew smaller and smaller out the window. I’d dreamed of this moment every day for as long as I could remember. Now that it was happening, it didn’t feel anything like I’d imagined when I was younger. Back in the pod city days, Mom and Callie would spin tales about the magical planet out there waiting for us. They would feed off each other and create a world filled with water and flowers—flowers of every variety and color. Their excitement was contagious, and I’d find myself thinking it might actually happen. I wished they had lived to see this.

We managed to get airborne before Lucy announced herself. Once the ship was up and on autopilot, Kale asked Markus to help move Britta into the hatch room. Markus decided they should release her body in deep space, and Kale was a tad overenthusiastic in his response. You’d think putting things out the hatch was his favorite pastime.

Markus had her body, tiny even when wrapped in a thermoplastic blanket, cradled in his arms. Kale moved to exit the control room, when Alec cleared his throat.

“Um, about the hatch room. See, there’s a um—”

Alec’s statement was interrupted by a muffled sound.

Kale drew his gun. “What’s that noise?”

Alec jumped up. “No, I mean, it’s just … my dog.”