Kristi Helvig - Burn Out

Markus slumped against the wall in a defeated posture. He wore the pain of a person who’d lost someone they really cared about. I knew that look.

“Great idea, James,” Kale interjected. “Some of those will make you forget your own name. Might be good for you for a while.”

Markus shook his head. “Nah. I don’t want to forget.”

“Suit yourself, soldier. James, make sure to stock up on those good pain meds I had before.”

I wished he’d take them now, and go back to being belligerent but manageable. “Can I help with anything?” Alec asked softly, starting to walk toward me. His eyes looked pained, like he wanted to do something for me but didn’t know what.

“No,” James answered immediately.

“I think he was talking to me, not you,” I answered.

James’ jaw clenched, but he didn’t say anything else. Alec went and stood awkwardly by Markus, his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

Alec had been nothing but nice. Anger surged in me. “Some friendly rescue team we are, Alec,” I said, glaring at the back of James. “Sorry about that.”

Kale peered at me while he strapped my Infinity to his wrist, as though daring me to say something about it. “Most rescue teams don’t turn against their leader. You might have some trust issues, you know.”

Markus laughed harshly and answered for me. “No shit. She doesn’t trust any of us. That’s no different than before.”

Kale made a pathetic attempt at looking remorseful. “I’d hate to think you weren’t with us on this, Tora, because that would make you …”

The enemy. He didn’t need to finish his sentence. I shuddered involuntarily thinking again of the unarmed soldier. I’d already seen what this group did to their enemies.

“I know this girl better than anyone,” said Markus. “I’ll keep her in line.” He looked like he could barely peel himself off the wall, let alone handle me.

“Okay. That should do it. Let’s get out of here,” said James, tossing a final box into his bag. Once again, he avoided eye contact with me. You certainly wouldn’t guess that he’d had his hands all over me not too long ago.

He walked by me and grabbed the supply bag from my hand. “Here, I’ve got this.”

Kale grunted and walked out the door first. “Good work. Let’s go.”

James motioned for Markus, Alec, and me to go ahead, but managed to do it without looking directly at me. He’d told me to trust him but my gut told me I was a total dumb ass. I glanced behind me as I stepped into the hallway to join Markus and Kale. James did it so quickly, I might have imagined it. I thought I felt the touch of his fingers in my hair. Then they were gone.

KALE POUNDED HIS FIST INTO THE WALL OF THE CONSULATE ship. “Give me a goddamn break!”

The gale force winds of the night storms hadn’t subsided yet. Pointing out that the storms sometimes lasted for several hours didn’t seem like a helpful comment, so I kept my mouth shut.

Kale directed us to the kitchen where there were some energy packets and bottled water. This area had been spared from the worst of the fire. We sat at a table designed to hold five times as many men. Markus and Alec sat on either side of me at one end of the table, while James and Kale faced us. Fatigue permeated every bone in my body, but falling asleep was not an option. I couldn’t protect myself if I slept.

No one seemed to feel much like talking. Guess they were as exhausted as I was. I felt James’ eyes on me and though he looked away as soon as I met his stare, I caught the expression in them. Sadness. What did he have to be sad about? He betrayed me by choice. That look alone told me I wasn’t going anywhere with them. No water-covered planet with trees in my future. Tears blurred my eyes, and I wiped them on my sleeve.

Kale cocked his head toward the ceiling. “I think it won’t be long now. When the winds die, we’ll run for it.”

The winds wouldn’t be the only thing dying if I couldn’t figure a way out of this mess. I fingered my satchel. At least Kale hadn’t taken that from me. I reached inside it and my fingers brushed the secret compartment containing T.O. I could kill Kale in a heartbeat with this. It was the killing of everyone else that kept me from pushing the button. Maybe I could bluff my way out with it though.

I felt the heat of Kale’s stare. Should I try? If it didn’t work, I would be completely out of options. Kale’s stare intensified like he was about to take the bag. My hand knocked against Mom’s diary, so I pulled it out like that’s what I had been looking for. I flipped it open. “Don’t mind me, I’m just going to read a dead woman’s journal.”

My fingers flew to the last few pages. If I was going to die soon, I should at least die knowing everything I could about my family. It wasn’t like things could get any worse. I skimmed the journal entries prior to the last page. They were all by my mother. Tearstained entries about how much she missed the security of the pod cities and how bleak things were in the shelter. How painful it was to see her children living the life of prisoners belowground. How she’d have no reason to live if she lost us. How the pain meds were the only thing that numbed her depression and allowed her to function. I’d understood my mother was sad and hopeless about our situation, but I had no idea it was this bad.

Her pain-filled words became more rambling and hopeless as the pages went on. It was consistent with her increasing use of the drugs. The entries, which had at first been penned on a daily basis, grew sporadic. There were days, even weeks, between each one. Her last entry was a full two weeks before the date of her death.

I took a deep, shaky breath and turned to the last page. My father’s handwriting stared back at me. There were no tear stains on his page, but then again, he was never a big advocate of feelings. My heart bleeds today , he began. A stabbing pain pierced my chest. He’d seemed so unemotional that day. He’d taken me aside after he’d found their bodies and tried to calm me. I was inconsolable and didn’t understand his apparent lack of feelings. Reading the grief in his words made me aware of the depth of feelings he’d buried. Whether it was for his sake or mine, I’d never know. I kept reading.

My father wrote that my sister had been trying to sneak out on her own to go aboveground. I vaguely remembered that. She’d been so young when we lived in the pod city, where she was used to going outside without the need for sunsuits. Callie had craved the sun, loving its light, no matter the cost.

A memory of one of our last hide-and-seek games in the shelter flashed through my mind. Come on, Tora, there’s nowhere left to hide in here. It’ll be more fun outside , she’d begged. If we go before the sun comes up, we won’t have to wear the stupid suits . Boy did she hate those sunsuits with a passion. Are you crazy? I’d asked her. I tried to explain about the night storms and freezing temperatures, but she’d sigh the same way I did whenever my father told me something I didn’t want to hear.

I caught her once myself, climbing the ladder as fast as she could to get out. I gave her hell for it, and thought I’d ended her escape attempts for good. I took to locking the shelter door just in case, knowing it was difficult for her to unlock it herself. That way, I’d hear her if she tried to sneak out again.

I read more of my father’s words. My mother had told him the door was locked, but that she still couldn’t find my sister. He’d thought she seemed a little out of it from her latest “dose” and was merely disoriented more than usual. I’d apparently been napping at the time. My father wrote about his guilt over what happened in the next few minutes. He’d been so absorbed in his work that he mumbled “okay” when my mother told him she was going to look for her. It was a good ten minutes before the impact of her words hit him. I remembered the next part, when my father woke me to say he needed to go outside and look for them.