Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

Karnage turned to the disbelieving Stumpy and grinned.

“Open sesame,” he said.

Karnage and Stumpy landed in a narrow tunnel. Long squiggly tubes of light ran along the walls, floor, and ceiling. The tubes were layered on top of each other, length-wise along the floor. Pulses of green light flowed through the tunnels at a frenetic pace, pulsing and strobing in a violent electric light show. The occasional line of white randomly twirled and flowed through the tubes, as it moved around and under the green.

Above them, the white ring of light around the hatch pulled away from its opening, and sprayed out, disappearing into the vast tubes of green. The hatch spiralled shut above them.

Stumpy shielded his eyes against the bright flashes of green. “Where are we?”

“I dunno,” Karnage said. “This doesn’t look like any part of the ship I’ve seen before.”

“I feel like I’m stuck inside a fibre optic cable or something.”

“Maybe that’s what this is,” Karnage surmised. “Like a giant fibre optic cable. Or a steam tunnel—or crawl space o’ some kind.”

“Seems kinda large to be a steam tunnel,” Stumpy said.

“Trust me, this is cramped by squidbug standards.” Karnage pointed to the squiggling green lights shooting all around them. “What do you make of all these lights?”

Stumpy studied the tubes as the lights shot through them. “Well, if I were to guess, I’d say it’s some kind of communications system. There’s something in the way that they pulsate. Like a sort of pattern to ’em, see?”

Karnage shook his head. “I ain’t no C&E guy.” A thin white streak shot through the green. Karnage pointed to it. “And what about the white lights? What about them?”

Stumpy studied them as they passed through. He shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think they’re the same. They don’t fit the pattern.”

“Don’t fit the pattern how?”

“There’s just something about them. The green ones are a lot more focused. Direct. They’re going somewhere and they make no bones about it. But the white ones…” Stumpy pointed to one that was circling nearby. It shot off, heading back in the direction it had come from. “They’re all over the place. Like they’re trying to appear random.”

“They’re trying to appear random?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think they are. Like a pirate broadcast. Like somebody’s hackin’ the system.”

Karnage grew excited. “Can you track where the white ones are comin’ from, Corporal? Trace ’em back to their source?”

“I don’t know.” Stumpy looked at Karnage with a glint in his eye. “But I can sure as hell try.”

Stumpy followed the lights through the tunnel, with Karnage close behind, his goober rifle at the ready, keeping an eye out for squidbugs.

Stumpy traced them through the pipes, sometimes doubling back as they changed direction. At one point, the white lights stopped completely. The pair paused to wait for any further sign of them, slowly growing more anxious by the minute. Just when Karnage thought they would have to double back and try to pick up the trail, a white light shot straight past them, then diverted into a tunnel opening overhead. Stumpy cursed something fierce as they tried to find somewhere they could climb up after it, but the walls of the tunnel were too smooth. Karnage finally resorted to firing goober balls up the wall of the tunnel in order to give them something to hold onto.

As they delved deeper, the green lights grew less frequent while the white became more prevalent, the tint of the tunnels slowly changing to a soft grey. The toxic stink of squidbugs became less intense, the air cooler on Karnage’s skin. It wasn’t exactly fresh, but it stung his nostrils less.

Eventually, they arrived at a section of tunnel where there was no green light at all: just a single lone pulse of white rhythmically oscillating through the walls like a heartbeat. They traced it until they came to a hatchway where the white light was glowing in the surrounding tubes.

Karnage looked out through the hatchway into a main corridor. A single squiggling pipe ran along the wall and around the massive doors. Nothing glowed or squiggled in the hallway, save for the lone pulse of white coursing its way through the wall. It was deathly quiet.

Karnage looked back at Stumpy. “I’ll go first. You see any squidbugs try to ambush me, you—”

Sparks flew around the hatchway as the corridor echoed with loud machine gun fire. Karnage and Stumpy threw themselves against the wall of the tunnel.

The gunfire abated, and Karnage heard the faint sound of spent shells tinkling against the floor. A voice called out to them from the darkness.

“You best come out of there, you fuckknuckling fuckmonkeys, or I will blow your donkeyfucking faces off!”

Karnage grinned so broadly that it hurt. He looked at Stumpy.

“What the hell are you smiling about?” Stumpy said.

“I know that voice.” Karnage shouted out through the hatchway: “Captain Daisy Velasquez! You will stand down and cease fire! That is an order! You hear me?”

There was a long pause, and the voice called from the darkness: “Major? Is that you?”

“You’re goddamn well right it’s me,” Karnage barked. “Now stand down and cease fire!”

Karnage heard the gun reload with a loud chunk. “Prove it,” she said. “Show yourself, and maybe I’ll think about not firing.”

“What kind of backwater bohunk do you take me for, Vel? I know you. You’ll shoot first and apologize for it later!”

“You stay hidden, I’ll shoot you. You come out and I don’t think you look like the Major, I’ll still shoot you.”

“What the hell kinda choice is that?”

“It’s the only one you get. You got ’til I count to ten. Better make up your mind quick, cuz I count fast.”

Stumpy looked at Karnage. “You trust her?”

“I trust her to shoot anything that moves,” Karnage said. “Still, we don’t have much choice. How do I look?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do I look like me?”

Stumpy shrugged. “I guess.”

Karnage nodded. “Good.” He called out to Velasquez. “All right, I’m coming out!”

Karnage stepped through the hatch. He was surprised and pleased that he wasn’t instantly hit with a hot spray of bullets. She must be mellowing in her old age.

Velasquez emerged from the darkness, holding a gun larger than she was. The muzzle was pointed directly at Karnage’s chest. She slowly lowered it as her jaw dropped.

“Well, suck my dick ’til my hips cave in,” she said.

“You don’t have a dick, Captain,” Karnage smiled.

“Neither do you.” Velasquez returned the grin. “But that hasn’t slowed you down none.”

Karnage closed the gap between them and they shook hands. “Major,” she said.

“Good to see you again, Captain.” Karnage turned back to the hatch. “Stumpy!”

Stumpy tentatively stuck his head out.

“Front and centre,” Karnage barked.

Stumpy climbed out of the hatch and joined the two of them in the middle of the hallway.

“Captain,” Karnage said, “this here is Corporal Stumpton, my latest conscript.”

Velasquez shook Stumpy’s hand. “Welcome aboard, Corporal.”

“Call me Stumpy.”

Velasquez nodded, and turned to Karnage. “We’re glad you were able to find us, Major.”

“Us?” Karnage’s eyes lit up. “You mean…” Two more figures emerged from the darkness. Karnage’s eyes sparkled.

“Heckler,” he said. “Koch.”

Koch was leading Heckler from the darkness, an arm propping him up. Heckler’s body tensed as he oppressed the occasional snigger.