Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

They stopped in a low canyon filled with horned worms. The worms were tied down with guy wires attached to their horns. Long lines of tents had been set up on their backs. It looked like a squidbug trailer park. The largest of the worms sat in the middle of the compound. The tent on its back was essentially a mansion. Room upon room of heavy tapestry with peaked roofs and flags waving from the peaks. Karnage guessed it was Tristan’s.

It was. Stumpy led Karnage towards it, beaming. Spragmites wielding D-Pads stood on all sides, quietly recording this moment. The occasional whisper of “Lightbringer” came up from the crowd.

They approached Tristan’s worm. A pair of Spragmite priests stood guard at the base of the rope ladder. They bowed deeply to Karnage, and stepped out of the way. Stumpy climbed the ladder, and Karnage followed. D-Pads followed their path as they climbed, glinting in the evening sun.

As they reached the top, a line of Spragmite priests emerged from the tent. They lined up to either side of the tent’s entrance. They wore extravagant headdresses in the shape of worm horns. Homski emerged from the tent in a long flowing robe and an even more extravagant headdress. A tiny white filament microphone stuck out from behind his ear. He walked to the end of the long line of priests, and unfurled a scroll. He began speaking; his voice echoed from unseen speakers across the compound.

“Presenting her Holiness, the High Priestess of Spragmos.”

The crowd broke out into chants of “ma-ma-oo-pow-pow” as the flaps of the tent pulled back. Tristan sashayed out of the tent, her long flowing robes resplendent with jewels. Her headdress looked like a three-headed horn covered in white diamonds. A tiny white filament microphone was also visible above her ear. She glided past her priests, smiling warmly at Karnage. She leaned forward and embraced him. As she did so, she discreetly covered her microphone with her fingers and whispered in Karnage’s ear. “Keep quiet,” she whispered, “and follow my lead.” She pulled back and turned to the crowd, smiling warmly.

“Humble servants of Spragmos,” her voice echoed across the compound. “Our prayers have been answered. Behold, the return of the Lightbringer. Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow.”

“Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow,” the crowd cried.

Tristan turned to Karnage. “Come, Lightbringer. There is much to discuss.”

Tristan guided Karnage back to the tent. Stumpy moved to follow. Homski rushed forward, blocking Stumpy’s way. “No,” he said. “Only the holiest of Spragmites are allowed to enter the Temple!”

“He’s with me,” Karnage said.

Homski jumped as if he’d been shocked. He looked up at Karnage with wide, terrified eyes, then looked to Tristan for guidance.

She nodded sweetly. “Let him pass, Homski.”

“Of course, Your Holiness. Of course.” He bowed his head and stepped out of the way. The priests looked on in confusion as Karnage and Stumpy followed Tristan into the tent.

They walked through a long tapestry-laden hallway and into an antechamber, where a pair of handsome menservants took Tristan’s headdress and outer robes, revealing a much more comfortablelooking dress underneath. Tristan smiled at them and waved for Karnage and Stumpy to follow her.

She led them into a massive library: bookshelves stood bolted to tent poles, gently bobbing and swaying on the back of the worm; thin wire mesh held the books in place; a table and chairs slowly rose and fell like boats moored to a dock. Tristan sat at the head of the table, and motioned for Karnage and Stumpy to sit farther down.

Once seated, Tristan dropped her austere look and gave Karnage a bemused smile. “Well, Major, you have surprised me once again. I can’t say I expected to find you at all, let alone alive.” She turned to Stumpy. “Russell, you are much more resourceful than I would have ever thought. I’m not sure whether to commend you or strangle you.”

Stumpy started and blinked. “What?”

“You understand the predicament you have put me in, don’t you? With the Major found, my authority has now been undermined. My orders and edicts will be open to questioning. What happened to poor Homski out there is but the tip of the iceberg.

She turned to Karnage. “So, my dear Major, what ever am I to do with you? You were supposed to be the Impossible Dream which my people were free to dream for as long as I wished to rule. Which, for all intents and purposes meant forever. Alas, you have crushed my dreams by bringing theirs to fruition. This really is quite the monkey wrench you have thrown into the works. I commend you for continuing to live up to your moniker.”

“I do my best,” Karnage said.

“What do you mean what do we do with him?” Stumpy said. “I thought you wanted to find him! I thought…”

Karnage put a hand on Stumpy’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Stumpy. Tristan wants people to think what she wants them to think when she wants them to think it, and then only until she thinks they should be thinking something else. Ain’t that right?”

“A rather circuitous way of putting it, but yes.” Tristan placed her chin in her palm and squinted at Karnage. “So, Major, how shall we proceed? Shall I have you declared a false messiah, and toss you to the worms?”

Stumpy jumped from his seat. “What? You can’t do that!”

Tristan gazed up at Stumpy. “Of course I can, silly. I’m the High Priestess. I can do anything.”

“I thought you said Messiah trumps High Priestess every time,” Karnage said.

“That was High Prophet. And yes, Messiah trumps High Prophet every time. High Priestess, on the other hand, is another matter entirely. Currently, it would be quite easy for me to have you declared a fake. A demonic forgery sent to confuse and destroy us. The people are already running around scared thanks to all these reports of ‘demons’ in Dabneyville. A little fear is a good thing, but at the rate they’re going, they are going to start turning on each other soon. You wouldn’t happen to be able to shed any light on these demon sightings, would you, Major?”

“I would,” Karnage said. “And I also might have a solution to your problem that doesn’t involve me bein’ fed to a bunch of worms.”

“Really, Major?” Tristan’s eyes sparkled. “Do tell.”

Karnage explained about the squidbugs and as much of their plans to take over the world as he knew. He included a few juicy tidbits about the human/alien hybrids, but without getting into his encounter with General Mayhem. He never wanted to relate that encounter to anyone if he could help it. Tristan listened intently through it all. Stumpy’s eyes nearly fell out of his head five times, each revelation outdoing the last.

“They’re gonna terraform the earth, and claim it for themselves,” Karnage concluded. “And what with this ‘merger’ the Dabney Corporation’s worked out, they’re gonna turn the human race into half-human, half-squidbuggy things… humbugs.”

Tristan arched an eyebrow. “Humbugs?”

Karnage nodded. “Yeah. Humbugs.”

Tristan looked at Stumpy. Stumpy shrugged. “Beats callin’ ’em half-human half-squidbuggy things.”

“All right. Humbugs, then.” Tristan turned back to Karnage. “Well, Major, this is all very interesting and tragic, but I don’t see how it affects me and my current predicament.”

“If the squidbugs win, then you’re not gonna have any people left to lead. Just a bunch of squiggly humbugs, all servin’ a different master.”

“That would be this ‘Queen’ you mentioned.”

“That it would.”

“And what do you propose we do about this, then?”