Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

“I propose we go on a Crusade.”

“A Crusade?”

Karnage nodded. “You’re wonderin’ what your followers are gonna do now that I’m back? Why not have me lead them into a Holy Battle against the ultimate evil. They’re already thinkin’ the squidbugs are demons. We just gotta play that up.”

“Interesting. And where would you send my people on this Crusade?”

“Dabneyville,” Karnage said. “I got to get back there before that squidbug mothership leaves. I got to get inside and stop ’em.”

“And how do you propose to do that?”

“I’ve got some ideas,” Karnage looked over at Stumpy. “But I’m gonna need your help, Corporal.”

Stumpy gave a start. “Me?”

Karnage nodded. “I need your expertise. You done a hell of a job out here figurin’ out how to domesticate the worms. I could use some of that know-how to maybe domesticate a few other things.”

“And what happens if you’re not able to defeat the invasion, Major? What then?”

“You need to look on the bright side, your Holiness,” Karnage said. “If I’m dead, then I’m out of your hair, and you’ll never see me again. But that won’t matter anyway, cuz the squidbugs will come and turn you and all your followers into humbugs worshippin’ their queen. But if I win, then you get to hold on to your little kingdom here. And I promise you’ll never see me again.”

“Really? You can promise me that?”

“I can,” Karnage said.

“I hope so, Major,” Tristan looked at Karnage through half-lidded eyes. “Otherwise, I will be quite put out.”

Tristan pulled a tourist map of Dabneyville from her shelves. They splayed it out in front of them. Illustrations of Dabby Tabby enjoying the splendours of Dabneyville littered the map.

“We’ll break the worms up into battalions.” Karnage pointed down at the figure of Dabby Tabby rocketing down the Gail Dabney Expressway. “First worm battalion will charge the main gate. Once they’re through, the other battalions will follow fast behind. Overrun the place with a shock attack.”

Stumpy looked up at Karnage in surprise. “A banzai attack?” Karnage nodded. “It’s the best we can do. We’re dealing with conscripts here. These people ain’t soldiers. We can’t expect a lot from ’em.”

“But it’ll be a slaughter,” Stumpy said.

Karnage shook his head. “Only if the enemy’s got lethal weapons. Dabneycops are all armed with goober and Sudsy.”

“And what about the squidbugs?”

“They’ve got their energy spears, but I think they use the same technology as the beams from the ship. Those don’t kill. They just,” Karnage waved his fingers in the air, “transport stuff.”

Tristan arched an eyebrow and mimicked Karnage’s finger waving. “Transport stuff?”

“Anyone who gets tagged by the squidbugs will just end up inside the ship,” he said. “They might end up pickled, but they’ll be alive. Casualties should be minimal.”

“And where will you be through all of this?” Tristan said.

Karnage pointed to a depiction of Dabby Tabby leaning out from the Dabney National Tower. “While you got ’em good and distracted, me and Stumpy will come in from the north. We’ll use my flightpack.” Karnage turned to Stumpy. “You’ll ride piggyback. Be our sharpshooter in case we encounter any trouble in the air. We’ll fly up the side of Mount Dabney and make our way into the squidbug mothership.”

Tristan tsked. “It’s certainly not the most elegant of plans.”

“It ain’t pretty,” Karnage said. “But it should work.”

“I hope it does, Major,” Tristan said.

“So do I.”

“I got a question,” Stumpy said. “How you gonna get the Spragmites keen on fightin’? You’ve always preached to them about love and peace and harmony.”

Tristan patted Stumpy’s stump. “You just leave that to me.”

Karnage and Stumpy stayed sequestered in her private quarters at Tristan’s insistence. She payed lip service to the idea of Karnage’s personal safety, but they all knew it was about limiting his potential to undermine her authority. They sat in her personal library and watched the D-Pad Homski had provided them.

The screen showcased a stage that had been erected in front of Tristan’s worm, framing a large swath of its massive bulk. Richly coloured fabric draped the sides, deep pinks and oranges that complemented the worm’s body perfectly. Torches glowed warmly along the base of the stage. The hairs on the worm’s flank had been given some kind of glitter treatment, and they shimmered and shone in the flicker of the torchlight.

Tristan strode out onto the stage. The long flowing robes were gone. She wore a sharp black suit, with a three-quarter-length coat. She carried a riding crop under her arm, its handle encrusted with glittering jewels. Her hair was swept up and pulled back into a tightly coiffed bun. The sharp stilettos on her feet stabbed at the stage floor with military precision. There was no fanfare or introduction to announce her arrival. Nothing but the soft crackle of flames, and the clicking of her stiletto heels, amplified and echoing throughout the compound.

The D-Pads shot her from a low angle, giving her a commanding presence. The flickering flames highlighted her sharp features. She stared out with a grim, solemn countenance at the crowd. Karnage saw the telltale white line of the microphone by her temple.

She looked out at her followers, studying them carefully. They hushed into absolute silence. Tristan nodded slightly to herself, then began her speech.

“Last night, I was granted a personal audience with the Lightbringer.” She spoke in a deep, even tone. Karnage heard her voice echoing through the walls of the tent. “The Illuminated One has informed me of a dire threat to our people. A threat to the very might of Spragmos himself.

“Doubtless you have all heard the rumours: a plague of demons has erupted from that cesspool of depravity that is called Dabneyville. And I stand here before you today to inform you that these rumours… are true. The Lightbringer himself has grappled with these demons! And he has come here, at this time, to lead us in the ultimate battle of Good versus Evil!

“These demons conspire to destroy your Inner Worm. They wish to rip Spragmos from your hearts, and leave you empty—barren— with no Inner Worm to guide you. They will stop at nothing to destroy us. So we must act first, and destroy them! In the name of The Worm!” Tristan thrust her fist into the air. “Ma-ma-oo-powpow!”

The crowd answered her cry. “Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow!”

“I know that you have been taught that violence is against the teachings of Spragmos, and some of you have failed to understand the nuance in these teachings.” Tristan paused, and looked out at the crowd, as if daring someone to speak. “In times of danger, when the Way of The Worm is under threat, battle is the most glorious endeavour in which a Spragmite may partake. It cleanses the mind, and awakens The Worm within. It is a test of your devotion. I know that you all pride yourselves on being the devoted servants of Spragmos.”

Tristan leaned down towards the camera, the torchlight flickering magnificently across her face. “And you ARE devout! You ARE loyal! You are Spragmites: the Beloved Children of Spragmos! Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow!”

“Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow!”

Tristan paced across the stage, her heels rhythmically clacking in time with her words. “All of this talk against violence stems from fear. Now this is normal. This is natural. When you first enter battle, you will feel fear. But a true Spragmite will never let fear overpower their devotion.”