Hans Scherner - Sex-starved sneak

"Yess," she whispered in a long, drawn – out sigh.

"I mean," he said, "we can go back on the bus together. I’ll only be a minute."

Beverly turned her strangely bright eyes on him. "Yes, Cecil," she repeated, "it's all right – I said it's all right."

He hesitated, feeling unaccountably anxious all of a sudden, then he rose to his feet slowly. "I’ll be as quick as I can," he said before he left.

Cecil hurried back towards the Eros Cafe. Benny was a pretty good guy, he thought. The little man hadn't delayed him. When he'd told him that Bev was waiting he'd contented himself with a hot, deep kiss on Cecil's lips after he'd entered the shop then when he was changing, Benny had thrust his hand inside the new pink panties, inserted his finger with a sensually sweet probe into the eagerly opening mouth of the star that nestled so snugly between the softly throbbing cheeks.

"Delicious, Benny," Cecil had crooned, squirming his buttocks ecstatically, "deee-licious!"

When he was leaving the shop, he said, "I’ll be back very soon." And Benny had stared after him with a strange new longing and yearning etched on his face.

The woman at the door of the cafe stopped Cecil. "Sorry, feller you can't come in here."

Cecil stared at the woman. He didn't remember noticing her before. He glanced through the glass door of the foyer, then told the woman: "I'm meeting someone who's in here. She's waiting for me."

The big woman frowned. "What's her name?" she asked, "I’ll tell her you're here and if she wants to see you okay " she gave Cecil a hostile glance, "if she doesn't want to see you you'll get out of here fast. We don't let anyone annoy our customers!"

Cecil told the woman Beverly's name and his own name with restrained anger then watched, irritably, as the women pushed open the door and went into the cafe.

He glanced towards the booth where he had sat with Beverly, thinking how crazy it was that he couldn't go in to her now… now that he was dressed as a male then he noticed that Beverly wasn't there. Cecil felt a small sense of shock. Had Bev got tired of waiting and gone home by herself? He glanced at the time… He hadn't been long! It didn't seem reasonable that she'd go! He craned his head – and then he saw her!

She was in another booth… with another girl. A girl who had her arm around Bev's shoulder who felt under Bev's skirt with a hand that was doing unspeakable things that made Bev laugh, wriggle her prim little body, and press her cheek against the other girl's face.

Bev! Cecil felt stunned. Bev? He saw the big woman who guarded the door approach them, she bent down towards Bev, murmured something, smiled… Bev looked up, started then she dragged at her skirt, guiltily, reluctantly until it was neatly, primly in place. He watched Bev get up, lean towards her companion and say something… Then Bev's head went down and he watched her kiss the other girl deeply, passionately sickeningly.

Oh, Bev!

"Too bad you had to wait out here," said Beverly when she found him standing outside the club where he had moved to after he'd seen Bev kissing her.

"It's okay," he said.

Her face was flushed and he'd never seen her eyes so bright, so alive…

"It's a nice place," she said, "the Eros Cafe."

"Is it?" he asked.

"Why yes, Cecil," Beverly put her arm through his as though it was something she didn't want to do but felt she should… "Is something wrong, Cecil?" she asked very quietly.

"No," he shrugged slightly, "nothing's wrong."

And they walked to the terminal in silence.

Beverly was staring through the window as the bus hurried them back home, when Cecil spoke: "Beverly," he began, "Do you like girls?"

She didn't move. ''Well be home in a few minutes," she said.

He stared at the back of her head.

She moved then, turning her head slowly and staring into his eyes for a long, meaningful moment before she said: "Maybe I don’t know, Cecil!"

He let out his breath in a long, sad sigh.

She touched his arm with her hand: gently, gingerly. "Would you – you mind if I was?" she asked.

He stared at her again. Mind? would he mind? How could he answer a question like that? He shook his head helplessly. "I don’t understand," he muttered.

"Neither do I " then Beverly's voice came to life again, "But I hope I am!"

He looked at her, incredulously. "Hope you are?" he repeated.

"Yes I hope I am!" she let the words slither from her lips… And when he looked at her face she looked different. Not like the old Bev!… the Bev that he knew… but a new Beverly… a Beverly that he'd never seen. She looked like a different girl!

"Cecil," she said quietly, "I – I felt something back there in the cafe that that I've never felt before… not with anyone anytime… not even with you, Cecil " her eyes searched his face with a trace of sadness.

He listened to her words and looked at her face and tried to understand.

"It was never complete, was it, Cecil?"

He stared, wordlessly.

"What we did together was was good, but… it wasn't complete," she said.

Wasn't complete! He felt the dull ache start in his stomach. Not because of Beverly but because the words cut too deeply, too truly… It was never complete! Not for him, Cecil. He thought of them all: Alma, Blanche, Donna, Beverly, and Benny… It was never complete… Never could be.

"I met a girl in in the cafe," said Beverly, softly, "and and I felt as though as though I was in love with her " her voice trailed off.

Love! Beverly loved some unknown girl whom she'd never met until a few hours ago! Love? He, Cecil, could never love anyone. Not that way. Not like that! Benny! he thought of Benny. Maybe maybe Benny thought that he was in love with him, Cecil… but he loved him as Cecile… as a girl… He, Cecil, could never feel that way towards Benny because… because he wasn't queer… he didn't like men… he liked girls but… he wanted to be a girl!

Beverly could never want him really want him because she wanted a girl. She was lesbian it wasn't necessary for her to tell him… He knew. His female intuition he thought with a bitter taste in his mouth. But he wasn't female enough to fulfill Beverly's craving! And he wasn’t male enough to satisfy another kind of girl, he thought with a new bitterness.

Too damned small! Alma! the words he would never forget could never forget because they were true… So where did it leave him… what was he?

"She came across to my table after you left," said Beverly, as he tried to drag his attention off the chaotic thoughts that kaleidoscoped through his mind, "and and she told me that she knew I was I was one."

Cecil could feel the sweat on his forehead. "What?" he asked. "One what?"

"Lesbian," said Beverly softly, "She knew I was a lesbian."

Cecil breathed deeply, painfully.

"I'm gad," said Beverly. "So glad."

"Why?" he muttered.

Beverly gave a deep sigh, then her voice sounded normal and relaxed when she said: "I’ve never known what I was. For so long I’ve wondered. I I didn't like men… you know that I told you yet, I never thought of of girls never really thought of it " she stopped talking for a moment, then her voice went on: "I I liked what you did," she lowered her voice, "like like kissing me making me have an org orgasm, but it it wasn't complete, was it, Cecil?"

He shook his head.

"Maybe I just liked that what you did because I'm a lesbian!" She said it calmly now, as though she accepted it… welcomed it!

"Maybe," he whispered softly, feeling a sense of loss of not belonging, "maybe.

Cecil sat on the bed in his room at home and stared at the wall in front of him. Tomorrow would be his last day at school! The graduation ceremony, and then… He took a deep breath, got up and strolled to the window. He would be leaving home… Starting a new life… a life as a girl! Everything was ready… His course at commercial school was completed. He had his certificate of competence as a stenographer. The certificate didn't say whether he was male or female but his name… he had spelled his name with an V when he enrolled! No one had ever mentioned it… why should they? What did it matter how their pupils spelled their names? It could matter a lot, Cecil had told himself, but now it would be all right, because the certificate named him as Cecile Greene. A nice name… a good name for a girl!