Dorsai - Jan

A few moments went by before she answered me, slightly mollified "Yeah, I guess that's right – you really couldn't. Hell,*I* didn't know anything could hit me that hard! And it was good. Even better than good – it was great. Uh, just don't do it again too soon, okay?"

"You better believe it!", I answered, getting a small laugh from her.

She sat up, then, and put her now-empty water bottle aside before taking another, and opening it. I accepted it when she offered it to me, and she quickly got another for herself.

"I don't think I've ever been this thirsty!", she muttered.

"Uh, if you'll have a look down, I think you'll be able to see why", I offered.

She did, and found that she was still glistening with her own juices – her pubic hair was slightly matted, and she was wet from her crotch to halfway to her knees.

Looking back up at me with surprise on her face, she said "Damn! I know I get pretty wet inside, sometimes, when I'm excited, but I've never been like that."

"Well, now you know why you're so thirsty – all that has to come from someplace!", I teased, making a joke.

"Yeah – a 'someplace' you know how to take care of pretty good, from the looks of it.", she grinned in reply, going along with it.

Blushing slightly, she turned to me and said "I, uh, gotta use the, uh, restroom."

"You know where it is, I think. Don't worry, we all do it."

She blushed again, then smiled at me, before getting up and heading for the bathroom. A couple minutes later, she was back – after apparently taking the time to wipe herself off a bit along the way.

After she got back onto the bed, she moved on over to me, and quickly threw her leg over me, so that she was sitting on my lap.

She started to speak, saying "I was, uh, thinking in there" – "A good place for it.", I interjected, and getting a grin – "and I realized that you're being really nice to me about all of this. I mean, that last time, you were just trying to give me the best orgasm you could, and you couldn't possibly know that I'd kinda pass out like that from just HOW good it was. I was kinda, you know, upset a little at first about it, but then I realized in there what really happened, and that how I reacted to it wasn't YOUR fault. I'm sorry if I said anything to, uh, hurt you, or make you feel bad."

"It's okay, Robyn – I know it must have been a scary experience, and you were just letting off some of the emotional charge from it. I *am* sorry, and won't do it again – at least, until you tell me to!. I'm not hurt or upset by anything you've said or done; only for doing something that shook you up that bad."

She looked into my eyes, and saw the honesty of, and sincerity I felt about, what I'd just told her. Surprised, she said "You really are – not upset, I mean, and sorry about shaking me up."

"Of course", I responded, surprised.

She looked at me intently, and said "A lot of people – hell, most people! – wouldn't be. They'd say it, and maybe mean it, a little – but not like you. It's like you're a hundred percent honest and sincere about what you say."

"I am – or try to be."

"See? That's what I mean – you said that like it was stone cold fact, without hesitating or trying to make it sound like anything it wasn't.

How the hell can you do you do that?"

"I don't know. I guess the thing is, I can't be anyone else – I can only be me. I don't like it when other people try to bullshit me, so I don't try to bullshit them. I figure if I want the best from other people, I have to give them MY best. That includes honesty – not just with them, but myself; and integrity, so that it's not just a sometimes thing; and even courage, because it isn't always easy or convenient to be honest or keep my integrity."

"But how can you do that when so many people are such shitheads?"

"You just said it yourself, but from the other direction – so many of them are; but that means that many of them aren't. The ones that just want to slide by, doing as little as they have to, or hosing over other people to get what they want, don't interest me, except to want to make them go away. The rest, the ones that do want to do what's right and fair and honest, the ones that do want to make themselves better, but don't know how, those are the ones that I care about, and want to deal with."

"Why are you so willing to do so much to help them? I mean, us – because I think I must be one, too, because I don't understand all of what you say; but you're still so willing to spend so much time with me?"

"Selfishness. Not the bad way, the way so many people think of it, as someone that wants to take all the time and not give back; but the original meaning, of someone who's interest is in their own desires and wants, without hurting anyone else. Selfishly, I don't want to live in a world where the kind of crap that we've all gotten so used to goes on.

Selfishly, I want it to be better – for ME; but not at the expense of anyone else. And the way I figure I can do that best is by helping other people learn what I have, so that – selfishly – there are more of 'us' for me to deal with and enjoy – and fewer of 'them' to have to try to work around, or avoid. Simply put, all I want is the best – in me, and in other people. Selfishly, I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Selfishly, I'm willing to put time and energy into helping other people develop their best."

She was even more intense as she asked me "So how do you manage to do all of that?"

"It's hard and easy, at the same time, to do; just like it's complex and simple at the same time, to think about. The doing part is easy, in that all I have to do is trust my own judgment, and learn from my experiences. It's hard, in that I have to accept responsibility for that judgment, and learning what's important from those experiences. The thinking part is simple, because all I have to do is be me, and no one else – completely, and all the time. It's complex because it's my responsibility to make sure that all the parts that make up the ME are things that I want me to be, and that they all work together, consistently. Just like one bad piece of wood can make a whole house weak to some degree, if there's one bad part of ME, then that makes all of me weak, to some degree."

"How do you know when you're doing it right?"

"Simple – I feel good, about myself, and the people I keep around me."

"How does that work?"

"Again, it's pretty simple. Remember when I said that how much you love someone is the instant total of all the values you see in them?" – she nodded, seriously – "It works the same way with your own happiness: if you're happy with and about yourself, then that's the instant total of all the values you see in yourself."

"But aren't the, uh, shitheads out there happy with themselves, too? At least, sometimes?"

"Sure – but the big difference is, because my values are higher, I'm more honest and consistent in how I use them – and because I'm more honest and consistent, I'm better able to see what they can't: just as my values are higher, so is my happiness. What's a hundred percent happiness for them might only be ten percent for me. Some of them might argue that their hundred percent is the same for them as *my* hundred percent is for me – but most of them know, deep inside their hearts and minds, that it doesn't work that way; they know that a hundred percent of a pile of gold isn't the same as a hundred percent of a pile of rocks. And that's why they spend so much of their time and money and energy trying to find new and different ways of distracting themselves from that knowledge – such as drugs, and that kind of nonsense. The high of marijuana or cocaine or adrenaline is a far, far second to the happiness of knowing that you have made the best you can of your heart and mind and soul."