Violet Blue - The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio - How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure

Fellatio as a sex act has a power dynamic implied, whether you intend it to or not. Many people see the person giving head as submissive, and the person getting head as the powerful one, the one in control. This perception comes from a number of different sources; gender stereotypes, the pure physical interpretation of the act, media portrayal of fellatio, and the fact that it is a sex act that can be forced on an unwilling partner. In established relationships (or carefully negotiated ones), there is a level of trust and communication that addresses this issue—but for a significant number of people, the power implications involved in fellatio are always present in the back of their mind. Some people feel downright uncomfortable about the surrender they feel is implicit in giving head, and they can have such powerful feelings about it that they might not want to do it at all. These feelings are especially sharp for abuse survivors.

Unless you have clearly negotiated a power-exchange dynamic, be patient and let your partner go at their own pace. Thrusting into their mouth, or grabbing their hair or the sides of their head, will freak out anyone who already feels uncomfortable about fellatio. Sometimes the feeling of being forced—even a little—can trigger strong negative emotions. You may discover that your partner enjoys this, but you must find out explicitly beforehand.

Be fully present and aware of your partner’s reactions. If they gag, back off and let them take the lead. Muscle fatigue may make their tongue and mouth sore—actions of the tongue and neck require a lot of energy. It might seem frustrating to have them switch to using their hands when you are close to coming, but it’s a natural part of the sex play cycle, and a momentary switch in activities or a change in position will make your orgasm all the sweeter.

Some people think that receiving oral sex is a passive act—you just sit back and enjoy the pleasure—but it’s really not. Sure, you could lie back, close your eyes, and transport yourself to a fantasy realm (nothing wrong with that), but even when you’re “checked out,” you still are participating as one half of a two-person sex act. It’s important to keep this in mind and to have already thought about a couple of things before you engage in fellatio.

Begin by concerning yourself with safety—the safety of both yourself and your partner from sexually transmitted infections and viruses, in addition to the emotional safety of both people involved. Though in chapter 4, “Know the Hard Facts: Health Considerations,” I go into detail about safer sex during fellatio, you should know that fellatio, when performed to ejaculation, is considered an activity that puts both parties at moderate risk. Fellatio without ejaculation is in the low-risk category, though it’s possible that you could pick up a virus if your partner has cuts or sores in their mouth.

One way to approach safer sex is to think about it as a process of trying your best to make informed choices about sex. Just as with any potentially risky act—a risky move on the freeway, giving your phone number to someone you just met—making an informed decision about sex acts requires that we know the risks we are taking when we choose to do these things.

The fact of the matter is that if you are unprotected, you are at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. If your partner has mouth sores or tiny cuts from having recently brushed or flossed their teeth, then the risk is increased—for both of you. If your partner has a viral STD such as herpes, or HPV, you can be infected by receiving a blow job without a condom. (There is a small chance you could be infected with hepatitis C this way, too.) And if you have an STD, such as HPV, hepatitis C, or HIV, you can infect your partner through unprotected fellatio. It is essential to use protection—latex or nonlatex condoms—if either of you has a viral STD. But be sure that you don’t use animal-skin condoms, such as lambskin, for safer-sex protection of any kind; they won’t keep you safe.

Similarly, bacterial STDs, such as chlamydia and syphilis, can be transmitted through unprotected fellatio. Both the person giving fellatio and the person receiving are at risk, though the risk level is very low. If one of you has a bacterial infection, such as chlamydia, it’s a good idea to use barriers until you’ve completed treatment.

Some STDs can remain dormant for as long as a few years, so it’s possible to give someone something you didn’t even know you had. Add to all this the fact that conventional medical wisdom on safer sex and transmission of viruses and bacteria is subject to change, and can change often. Whenever in doubt, check with your doctor and keep abreast of new information by keeping up with the Centers for Disease Control, who conveniently have an STD section on their Web site, updated whenever there is new information (see chapter 13, “Resources,” for contact information).

The human body is a complex container for water, salt, sinews, bones, brains, feelings, dreams. The many things we can do with it are astounding: making buildings, babies, ideas, orgasms. The body itself is a fortress against intruders; white blood cells, helpful bacteria, and acids—nature’s polymorphous armies—can combat the common cold, keeping our delicate system in balance. And yet, when compromised, our own helpful tools can be turned against us and we suddenly become the perfect host to bugs, germs, diseases, and infections. In the realm of sex, becoming a good host means anything from engaging in unprotected sex to weakening yourself with illness and uninformed lube and toy practices, all the way to being a careless (or unknowing) carrier of unfriendly bugs.

When it comes to unprotected fellatio, everyone involved is taking a risk of some kind. Unprotected fellatio carries a lower risk for the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) than unprotected vaginal and anal intercourse (with a penis or a just-shared, unprotected sex toy), or unprotected cunnilingus (unless she ejaculates in your mouth), but there is risk involved—for both the giving and the receiving partner. When a guy gets a blow job without a condom from a stranger, he’s in the low-risk category for HIV and hepatitis B and C; but he’s at high risk for herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HPV (human papillomavirus, or genital warts). If you go down on a man and you don’t know whether he is infected, you put yourself at risk for hepatitis B, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HPV—and if you have a cut, bite, sore, or abrasion in your mouth, you are also at risk for HIV and hepatitis C. Unprotected rimming (oral-anal sex) puts you at risk for all of the above, along with hepatitis A. Brushing or flossing your teeth or going to the dentist before a round of oral sex will put you at significant risk; these activities produce tiny cuts on the gums.

Please note that the best way to avoid transmission of most viruses and STDs is to use a latex or nonlatex (but non-animal-skin) barrier for all activities involving fluid transmission.

The following tables show at a glance the risks that accompany fellatio and other sexual activities; for more details on the risks for specific STDs, see the section that follows.

Rimming, or analingus, refers to caressing or penetrating your lover’s anal opening with your tongue. Because the delicate pucker of the anus is rife with sensitive nerve endings, rimming feels incredibly pleasurable to many people, and just as many people enjoy giving it as getting it. For both givers and receivers, rimming sets the night on fire.