Violet Blue - The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio - How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure

On the second evening of a short Tokyo book tour, people from my publishing house took me to dinner at a popular new Chinese restaurant. Of the seven or eight dishes ordered that night, I remember one. The bottom of the serving dish was dark, oily red heat, some sort of Szechuan sauce, but the item itself was almost cool on the tongue. The silky, white, glistening almost-pieces were a chopstick challenge, but worth the trouble. The food slid down the back of the throat in the most sensuous way. You almost didn’t need to swallow. I heard my editor, across the table, telling her boss Ayaka it was ma po tofu. It was richer and tastier than the ma po tofu dishes I’d had in Chinese restaurants in the States, but otherwise similar.

“How do you like it?” asked the woman seated beside me, who had translated my book into Japanese. “We ordered it in honor of your book.”

I tried to recall a ma po tofu scene in Bonk . It seemed like the sort of thing a writer would remember. I smiled at her blankly.

“Cod semen!” she blurted. Everyone looked to see my reaction.

“No way,” I said. I shouted across the table to my editor: “I heard you telling Ayaka-san that it’s ma po tofu.”

“No,” said my editor. “I told her, ‘ Pretend it’s ma po tofu.’”

I shared this story while drinking gin with Violet Blue not long ago—an undertaking which, should you be able to swing it, I highly recommend. She was just finishing up the manuscript for this book, and in need of distraction. My editor’s words— pretend it’s ma po tofu —struck us both as delightful advice, not only for the culinary adventurer but for the squeamish fellator. Delightful, though not especially helpful or hip or wise or savvy. For that sort of guidance, you need only turn the page.

It’s difficult for me to hide my enthusiasm for fellatio. At first glance it seems like such a straightforward sex act, but when you look closely, it’s actually quite versatile. There are innumerable ways for me to enjoy how I give it, how my partner receives it, and how I choose to receive it myself (think the business end of a strap-on). There’s the pure pleasure of taking my lover into my mouth for the sole concentrated purpose of giving him direct, focused gratification. My intentions when giving head are concrete: oral contact, mouth to cock, an immediate sensation that clearly sends him the message that I want to give him pleasure, now. The feelings of not only having my lover’s delicate genitals in my mouth but also being able to directly control his stimulation are intoxicating. The primal sensory information of taking in the essence, taste, smell, and outrageously sexy up-close visuals of my lover is a powerful aphrodisiac that influences me physically, mentally, emotionally, and on levels I believe I simply cannot detect. And it’s an undeniable fact that my mouth is a sex organ. The moment I’ve got my lover in my mouth, the heat of desire, passion, and lust in focus, right in front of me, ties my arousal directly to him.

The ways I can elicit my own arousal from fellatio are endless: Giving head works itself easily into any context or scenario I can dream up. My fantasies make anything possible, and these fantasies can be accelerated by the mere fact that fellatio can be performed almost anywhere. I can be a dominant woman, doling out pleasure as I see fit—or I can even be a naughty young man with a pretty mouth. I can play with roles, becoming an overly dedicated nurse for a helpless patient, an earnest applicant for an important job, or a submissive slave. The exchange can be an act of love, tenderness, and devotion, and gazing into my partner’s eyes I can revel in the emotion and sensuality of it all. Or together we can make it a filthy, wicked blow job; quick, dirty, and hot. Any way I choose to approach or experience fellatio, it’s delightful. And I know I’m giving my lover powerful, focused pleasure.

My perspective on fellatio has been reshaped many times as I’ve had different experiences and relationships to oral sex. I didn’t always like it. The first few times were difficult, confusing, and embarrassing. I wasn’t sure what to do: I had a basic idea of how to perform the act, but I had no clue what my lovers might like, what I should be doing with my mouth, or how I should be feeling about the whole thing. What I now know is that the knowing smile and heated body language of a lover who wants oral sex was (back then) my dreaded cue to try to act experienced with my fumbling hands and tentative mouth. It felt like those dreams in which you go to class for a big exam and you’re naked—I felt exposed and found myself wondering how I got there, and how the heck to get through it. I didn’t know anything about the rhythm leading to orgasm, how a penis responds to pleasure—or worse, if I should be feeling humiliated by an act widely considered submissive, “easy,” or demeaning. I’d gag and choke, and my eyes would water, and though my lovers enjoyed my enthusiasm to keep trying to make them feel good, I just felt lost and embarrassed.

Years passed, and I went through periods of giving up on trying to be good at fellatio, not knowing if I was any good at it, or if fellatio made me less worthy of respect by my partners. Even more confusing, I didn’t know why giving head turned me on so much. Turns out I was normal, but not having much fun with fellatio.

Now, I’m a professional sex educator. I’m also a sex writer, penning columns about sex and sexuality for newspapers, online publications and media outlets ranging from O: The Oprah Magazine to CNN. I have come full circle with my own experiences, and I am also in touch with other people’s, and I have researched everything about oral sex I could find.

Writing this book was an enormous undertaking. I read and reread everything about fellatio, scoured sex guidebooks and modern erotica, and shook the Internet until it rattled. In addition, I received responses to questionnaires from people in the United States, the U.K., Europe, and Canada, people who comprised the full spectrum of gender, sexual preference, age, race, and ability. I gathered their comments, compiled my research, and looked at the results with the sex-positive, nonjudgmental approach to sexuality that I learned in my extensive training and teaching as a sex educator.

Many of the people who responded to me have allowed me to quote them, and the text is liberally laced with their comments. I got a spectrum of responses to the subject matter—everything from excitement to disapproval. Everyone seemed to have something to say about fellatio, but most folks figured that it was the one-trick pony of sex with men. Men like it; you suck their cocks, it makes them come—simple. And it’s just this oversimplification of sex—especially male sexuality—that keeps us confused and in the dark about men and pleasure,

Why is the subject of men and sexual pleasure so glossed over, reduced to “in and out”? Understanding how someone (male or female) enjoys sex goes much deeper than stereotypes. Whenever the subject of men and sex is written about, it’s either predictably adolescent, cloaked and choked in New Age spiritualism, or clinically dry and sterile. No matter where you look, male sexuality is everywhere, and yet it is still presented as something to be ashamed of. What kind of choices are these?

When it comes to male sexual pleasure and fellatio, the terms become even more reduced to stereotypes, and the information is shallow. Popular magazines present tricks to “wow your fella,” giving instant-gratification tips that help you do something just slightly titillating, without really telling you how to do anything related to the person whose body part you’re having sex with. The messages we get from the magazines, the media, and the people who perpetuate the stereotypes about oral sex and guys is that head is all guys want, that all guys want head, and that it’s an easy way to get them off—because guys are easy to get off. How insulting. To say that these attitudes misrepresent male sexuality is an understatement—and in their ignorance they interfere with our ability to have thoughtful, hot, and effectively pleasurable oral sex with our male partners.