Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

Most people, however, do care how each other feels. But if you ask your date during your passionate sex if he wants and likes what’s going on, you might not get a truthful answer, out of shyness or reluctance to offend. With new lovers especially, once the action gets hot, fair and equal negotiation is harder to come by, especially on the first or second date. (Hell, it’s hard enough with long-term lovers.) Each of you is trying to impress and suss out the other, bringing your best game and sexiest moves; nerves mar perception. The power imbalance exists—and it’s tipped toward the one who’s doing the roughing up. Even willing participants have tough times speaking up if something is going awry; no one wants to be seen as a prude or a wimp. A little talk before you get busy can change all that.

And you know what? Right now you can commit to speaking honestly and simply and not accusatorily about what you want and don’t want. Owning your stuff—figuring out how to communicate—frees us in every aspect of our lives. Do it—you don’t have to live anything but a shiny, bold life.

Let’s say you want to be submissive but your partner isn’t confident or comfortable in a dominating role. What to do? Is your partner into the idea but doesn’t know where to start? Have you brought it up in the past and it’s fallen flat? You might have a good idea of what your submissive role looks and sounds like—maybe you’ve fantasized about it often enough that you have a specific sexy script or two. This is perfect for masturbation but not always successful for coupling up. Tell your partner you want to explore her being more dominating. Some specifics are needed and then the parlay begins.

Experimentation works far better than expectations. She doesn’t need to run out and buy a big flogger or have you kneeling tonight and calling her Mistress (though she might). Instead, the two of you come up with a list of what the action might look like, including your fantasies. Start simple—she sits on top of you and pins your arms to your sides with her knees, not letting you touch her or her cunt. Keep it playful. Though there is no guarantee your partner will ever be as dominant as you fantasize or will wield sexual power over you in the ways your fantasies map out, there is no guarantee that she won’t either. Stay open—surprise each other.

Perhaps your partner has asked you to take on a role you don’t usually take. First, ask yourself, do you want to take on the role? Or is this solely your partner’s desire? If indeed you want to try a new role or position, keep your mind open as to what it might be. Is it a generic positioning (I want you to dominate me) or is it a specific role (you’re the school principal and I’m the troublemaker student). If your partner, say, wants you to initiate and dominate when you have mostly been the receiver or equal, talk with her—get details and examples. The fact that you’re already talking about it means you’re off to a good, sexy start. The fantasy in your partner’s head can help, but it can also hinder if she is too attached to the specifics and trying to fit you to them. If parts of the description resonate with you, start with one or two actions and weave them into your sex. If a role feels too cookie-cutter or stereotyped and doesn’t ring true for you, neither of you may get much pleasure from it.

Take five minutes on your own and (yep, corny) write down everything you think of when you imagine that role. Don’t edit. You might find laughter or goofiness on that list. Leave a sex toy, panties, or other piece of clothing with instructions for your lover. Email, text, IM, snail mail, write notes, or Skype your provocative invitations. Whatever resonates in you is where you begin your exploration of any new role. Let it grow and morph from there. If and when you get stuck, write as often as it’s useful. And whatever else you uncover, remember that desire and consent are the cornerstones of all rough sex.

You’ve talked, you’ve fantasized, you’ve plotted and conspired. Now what? Some activities that meet under the large umbrella that is rough sex include: face slapping, biting, hitting, pushing, pounding penetration, denying touch or orgasm, spitting, punching, spanking, gagging, name calling, and bondage. Folks also like to control-kiss, choke, and push or shove a bottom down on the bed, slam a bottom against a wall, pinch nipples, balls, and labia, grab and squeeze thighs/ ass/upper arms/wrists, pull hair, force a bottom’s face into a pillow, control breathing, talk smut, rip off clothing, and claim “ownership” of someone. Here are some delicious tips, ideas, techniques, and safety precautions you can incorporate into your rough sex play.

It’s a huge turn-on when a guy is pinning you down and you can just tell how bad he wants you. When it gets to that point where it feels like if you don’t get that person you’re seriously going to die on that bed, it’s hot. It’s needing someone in a really different way. And it’s insanely hot when you can see a guy feeling that way. Even if it’s only sex—not love or commitment or anything like that. It’s all about that moment. And the only thing he wants is you and he is seriously rabid to have you.

Tied spread-eagled to a headboard. Hands holding down arms. Pinned against a crumbling alley wall. Struggling to get free. Bondage and restraints. Our fantasies and sex are filled with all that and more. Luckily, this book has a chapter by Midori on how to do bondage and do it well. Let’s just touch on a just a few elements of restraint.

For all the reasons why rough sex is so prevalent and hot, the taboo desire to be held captive, without control or knowledge of what might happen to you, engages us just as fiercely. To deny someone (or to be denied of) something you really want, when you know you will get it sooner or later, can be sweet torture. Especially when the prize is sex.

Scarves, ties, rope, chain, leather belts, stockings, bedsheets—the materials that can be used to bind a lover are as endless as your imagination. Some are better than others, however. Silk scarves, though sensuous, knot quickly, easily, but are hell to unknot. Cheap handcuffs close further than they should and often get stuck. (Plus, “Oh my God! Where’s the key?” is the last thing you want to hear.) Both of these kinds of restraints can dig into wrists and ankles and cut off circulation; they should be avoided. If you do use scarves or other fabric to bind wrists or ankles, have medical or bandage scissors ready—they have a flat side intended to slide between the bind and the skin without hurting while cutting the bind. If you use handcuffs, pin the key(s) on a nearby bulletin board, curtain, or door frame; don’t leave them on the bedside table.

No matter what you tie your lover to—a bed, table, steering wheel, or tent stakes—make sure you’ve got the means to release your willing prey easily and quickly. This is also a great time for both of you to be ready to use a safeword or gesture in case of fear, pain, or emergency.

But you don’t need “stuff” to keep someone where you want him. The craving to be physically controlled can be managed by placing your knees, hands, feet, and body onto your lover in strategic positions. Avoid joint-to-joint pressure (for instance, your knees on his wrists); aim rather for the more muscular and meatier parts of the body, such as forearms and thighs. Using your legs, knees, and feet to press on him frees up your hands to slap, punch, fuck, stroke, or get busy with a dildo and harness. And don’t limit yourself to the bedroom: there are perfectly good walls, floors, picnic tables, trees, bathroom stalls, and movie seats aching for your play.