Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

I love when you, my lover, let me be small—yes, let me—because I know you will respect me and my limits, hold me, without judgment, keep me safe. We think each other the hottest things on two feet (we tell each other so often—and not just in bed). So even when, during sex, you are calling me names, or fucking me so hard, or pushing me to take more, you know it’s exactly what I crave. Thank God we’ve talked about this so often. I love your ferocity and won’t let you hurt me in ways I don’t want to be hurt. Please, take care of everything for a while; know where we are driving. Yes, I will help pay for gas, help you decide the route, but you drive and I will let go.

I’m hungry to keep you safe and hold you strong. Push you to see that you are mighty and tender and can take yourself even further than you ever thought you could. I have told you countless times how I adore you and think you are breathlessly sexy, and you too tell me that I’m crazy hot so we don’t need to do that now. During sex I may call you names or hold you down; we’ve talked about all of this already. I know it makes you weak with need—hell, me too. I can give you sensations that rough up your brain and release endorphins. And you can know that I’m driving. Trust that I know where we are going or at least when we need a rest stop. And though I’m holding the wheel, I don’t for a minute stop glorying at the scenery. And you—you can let go.

It doesn’t matter if you are hooking up for a night or a lifetime, the one non-negotiable element is permission —getting it and respecting it.

If you’re on the receiving end of rough play, remember that you are not a passive vessel. If you want something harder, faster, slower, started or stopped—tell your lover. “Oh god, yes!” counts as feedback. So does “Ow, stop, wait. Damn, that’s big. Let’s try this, baby.” You are not timid or imperfect for speaking up. On the contrary, you are proving yourself to be a trusted lover who is committed to having connected, hot sex. Nothing changes unless you make it change. And though it looks as if the person who is meting out the roughness is in power, that is just the opposite of what’s happening. The one being roughed up is the one who has the final word about what does and doesn’t happen.

If you’re doling out the rough play, you are not a fucking machine, aiming to please only yourself or your lover. Start slowly, building up and discovering your own and your partner’s desire and tolerance for more intensity. If you go from zero to 60 in no time flat, your lover may not be able to keep up, or be interested in it. Someone giving herself to you is a gift; take your time discovering what’s inside. This does not mean that a slow buildup is an “always” rule. Sometimes, you need to throw someone against a wall and take what you want. Pinning his hands to his side, you clamp down on his neck with your mouth and bite—long and hard. Sometimes, while his cock is in you, you reach your arms up and pound his back with your fist as he growls and leans down to kiss you. But you know jumping into it at full speed is right for both of you because together you have experimented, talked, and listened with clarity and respect.

All relationships, whether you’ve been together 10 minutes or 10 years, have radically different histories of experience, trust, and disappointment, but the basics of getting clear, brave, and open are the same. Do you know what it is you want? Have you articulated specific activities to yourself? Have you experienced things with a previous lover that you want with this partner? It’s okay to have only a sense of what you want—just remember that your partner can’t know till you know. Getting what you want in any avenue of life involves risk. You and your sex are worth it. Over a drink, on a walk, or on the subway, say a thing or two that you love about your sex or sensuality together. Say something you want to try. You can also (but you don’t have to) have a lengthy talk or write a list of what you want or don’t want.

Talking can be sexy—sometimes simply introducing the idea unlocks the taboo door. “I love it when I’m going down on you and you hold my head exactly where you want it—not letting me move around a lot.” Or “Remember that scene in the movie where he pushed her against the car, slapped her face, and then kissed her? Oh my God, that was hot.” Bring home erotica or porn with stories or images that turn you on. Share it with your lover on a date. Ask what she thinks about when she masturbates. Tell her what you think about too.

Talk a little, fuck a lot, talk some more. Be ready to use your words during your sex—this is where the other part of the conversation can happen. You pin him down, sitting on his belly, and bite his nipple slow and hard. Pause, ask, “Is this okay? You like it? You feel so good under me.”

It’s important to realize, however, that new lovers can’t rely solely on during-sex talk—ego and fear of rejection or disapproval easily skew communication. Even if you’ve been together a long time, you’re still (or sometimes more) susceptible to the challenges of being clear and accurate about needs and wants during sex. Longtime lovers’ dynamics may be so engrained that in-bed talk proves to be insufficient. Maybe you’ve been together a while and you want your sex to be less predictable and more primal. She’s a great lover, but you feel that something’s missing. Maybe it’s a general attitude shift you ache for. Lots of people want their partners to be more domineering—run the show, make decisions, be more aggressive. Other folks want to turn the tables on what have become established roles. How lovers discuss potentially thorny topics (politics, finances, family, etc.) is generally how they will approach talking about sex; the more skilled the communicators, the better the sex.

The more you know what you want, the easier it is to put it out there. However, if you have a narrow set of ideas that must happen or a specific script that must be followed, you cut your partner out of the decision-making process. Stay open to ideas and changes. Start by talking about what turns you on about your partner’s body, her sex responses, and your sex together. Yes, talking so specifically about sex can feel risky and vulnerable. This becomes further compounded when you articulate your desire for taboo or aggressive sex; it’s intellectually and emotionally confusing to crave this with the same person you hold to be solid and safe.

“Let’s get real—talking does not equal spontaneity.”

Are you someone who believes that rough sex means just going for it? I get it. Going for it is hot . Theoretically. Suppose you serve a beautiful candlelit dinner complete with soufflé to your date only to discover she’s allergic to eggs. You worked hard but you both end up feeling kinda crappy—and hungry. The ambience is still wonderful, but had you (even briefly) talked about what food you eat and love, the feasting might have lasted long into the night. Or you meet at a party, you talk, you flirt, you lean in and say, “I want to slam into you, bring you to your knees, and make you forget there’s a god” and your prey looks at you, smiling, and holds out his hand to you. (a) You’re a lucky dog. (b) You two just communicated a common desire. You talked. And it’s still spontaneous.

Without any kind of preliminary talk, if you just “go for it” you might get your rocks off, but will you please your lover? Will you hurt your lover? How will you know? If both of you don’t care (though determining this is difficult at best), more power to you—really, I support this fully. Hopefully there won’t be any physical or emotional fallout later.