Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

Tantric sex is a way to explore and experience sex that includes and encourages a spiritual experience. Tantra (and Taoist sexuality, which started as a branch of Chinese medicine) sees sex as an energy rather than an activity. In Tantra we use techniques such as breath, touch, sound, and movement to move the sexual energy that starts in the genitals into the rest of the body, effectively turning the entire body into a sex organ. During sex with a partner, we build and exchange this energy with a beloved. Consciousness plays a vital role in this exchange, because as you increase your level of consciousness, you increase the intensity of the energy within yourself and between the two of you.

There is an entire universe of possibilities to be discovered when we blend Tantra’s focus on energy, consciousness, and spiritual connection with BDSM’s traditions of consent, negotiation, and intensity. In order to experience the deep erotic sensations that can carry us into prolonged ecstatic states of arousal and altered states of consciousness, we first have to slow down and get back to basics. In that sentence we find the first of these basics: Slow down! In Tantra, we do not slow down just for the sake of making sex last longer. Rather, slowing down is the natural consequence of being more conscious. So as you practice the following basics, remember that it’s not about how fast or how intensely you practice, but how much consciousness you bring to your practice.

We’re going to begin by focusing on the physical, nongenital components of a great sexual experience. Nongenital? Aren’t genitals the most important part of sex? Well, no. In fact, you can have amazing, prolonged, full-body orgasms by combining the following nongenital techniques. And these basic elements are not just essential in the practice of Tantra—they are actually the building blocks of all erotic experiences. So let’s take a deep breath, drop into our bodies, and discover all the ways that we can generate, enjoy, and share massive amounts of sexual energy.

Our breath is our greatest source of energy and aliveness, yet most of us breathe just enough to stay alive. If you are not already a dedicated erotic breathwork junkie, I strongly suggest you become one. Deep, full conscious breathing can take you higher and deeper and farther than any other sex toy or technique. Regrettably, instead of breathing more, most of us tend to stop breathing in intensely erotic situations. I attribute this to a rule that almost all of us learned as adolescents. I call it the Quiet and Quick Rule. When we were first masturbating on a regular basis, we had to be quiet so that other members of the family would not hear us. We had to be quick so that we could get to orgasm before we were discovered. How did we manage to be quiet and quick? We held our breath. There was no chance of accidentally making a sound if you weren’t breathing. Unfortunately, the constant repetition of the Quiet and Quick Rule imprinted in it on our muscle memory, in much the same way that we learned to type or ride a bicycle. So now when we approach orgasm or any other peak erotic experience, we tend to hold our breath. To reach the level of erotic heights we long for, and to get the most out of the commingling of Tantra and BDSM, we need to break this habit and reprogram our bodies with breath.

There are many different breath techniques that can bring you to a great variety of ecstatic states. But all you really need to know is this: breathing in and out through your nose is relaxing, particularly when you make the exhale longer than the inhale. Breathing in and out through your mouth is energizing. You can alternate the two to produce states of relaxed, alive awareness. The most important thing to remember is to just keep breathing . If all you do is keep breathing a bit more fully and deeply than you usually do, you’ll be well on your way to a delightfully altered state of consciousness.

Begin by practicing on your own. As you masturbate, breathe in and out through your mouth fully and deeply. Keep your throat and mouth relaxed, and don’t force the exhale. If conscious breathing is new to you, you’ll inevitably find that you go back to holding your breath. Don’t criticize yourself, just bring your attention back to your breath. You’ll probably notice that it takes you a bit longer to orgasm when you’re breathing like this. Imagine your body as 30-gallon container waiting to be filled with erotic energy. When you hold your breath while trying to orgasm, you are only able to generate enough energy to fill up an area around your genitals about the size of a coffee cup. When you breathe fully and consistently for longer, you generate enough energy to fill your entire 30-gallon tank. Now, which container of fuel would you rather have to power your orgasm? Breathe.

Our minds wander. They jump from thought to thought. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just what minds do. If we don’t deliberately keep our attention on the erotic present moment, our minds will dance us right out of the room into some mundane anxiety, or into a fantasy that takes us out of our body and away from what’s actually happening right here, right now.

One of the most effective ways of seducing our minds into becoming our erotic allies is to focus on the creation and movement of erotic energy. This is not as difficult or as boring as it may sound. For example, if you are flogging someone, you might imagine erotic energy pumping up from your genitals into your heart, through your arm, out the tips of your flogger, and into your partner’s heart. When your partner exhales, you can imagine their erotic energy flying out of their heart and coming back to you.

With some practice you will actually be able to see energy running through other people’s bodies and feel it running through yours. For example, if you are the one being flogged, you can imagine your heart being cracked open with each stroke. Or you can imagine the fiery strokes of a cane lighting your own inner fire and burning away limitations.

As with the breathing, practice by yourself first. As you masturbate, imagine breathing the turn-on in your genitals up into your heart, then into the top of your head. Feel it sliding into your arms and hands, legs and feet. You might feel the energy move, or see it, or even hear it. It doesn’t matter which way you imagine it. And feel free to fake it until you feel it. Energy follows thought. When you pretend the energy is in your heart or your hands, chances are you’ll be feeling it there soon after.

In both sex and BDSM we can become overly concerned with technique. We worry that we’re not doing it as well as it should be done, or as well as it could be done, or as well as it was done by our lover’s last partner. If you focus on breath and energy, there will be a lot less room in your mind for this kind of self-criticism. And, if you follow the energy instead of your critical mind, you won’t have to figure out what to do next. You’ll already be doing it.

This is not really a technique. It’s a magical piece of awareness, crystallized and named by my beloved late teaching partner, Chester Mainard. As with most energetic practices, it is very simple but it may take a little practice before it becomes easy, natural, and automatic.

Although the Resilient Edge of Resistance applies to any kind of connection, especially emotional and psychic connections, it is most easily understood when applied to touch. The Resilient Edge of Resistance is a touch that is neither too hard nor too soft. The touch is deep enough that the body pushes back just a little, but gentle enough that the body does not go rigid. When you are touched at your Resilient Edge of Resistance you are lulled into a place of deep comfort and surrender, yet you remain awake and eager for more.