Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

I also highly recommend gloves, even for partners who are fluid-bonded. Our hands have a number of small rough spots, including hangnails, calluses, and dry skin, that can scratch and scrape the vaginal tissue; with a gloved hand you create a safe, smooth surface for fisting—it’s like the world’s most perfect sex toy! Both latex and nonlatex gloves are available; I prefer to use nitrile gloves (a nonlatex material), as they are unlikely to cause irritation to my partner and tend to be stronger than latex gloves. If you have longer fingernails, I recommend either clipping and filing them or tucking small bits of cotton ball into the fingertips of the gloves to cover your nails and keep them from feeling sharp for your partner.

If possible, I also recommend placing an absorbent underpad or towel underneath the fistee. A really good fisting can be messy; with lube, ejaculate, and other bodily fluids, it’s easier to plan for a mess and not worry about it later. A vibrator is another handy tool to have; many people like to have their clitoris or anus stimulated during a fisting scene.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve made the preparations for a fisting part of the foreplay. I text her from work to tell her to get the supplies out, and she knows how I want everything laid out. I have her get out the wrist restraints (we like her hands to be held back to keep her from being able to touch herself) and turn the temperature up in the bedroom so it’s nice and warm. By the time I get to her house, I’m worked up, she’s already turned on, and the scene has started before we even touch.

Relaxation is the key to fisting. Having the bottom in a position that relieves the tension on her legs and hips goes a long way toward helping her open up to your hand. For some people, this may mean that they are most comfortable on their back with their ankles propped up in ankle straps on a sling or on their partners shoulders (my personal favorite); for others, it may mean that they’re lying on their side, or on their belly, or even on all fours. Trying a few different positions, even changing it up in the middle of the scene, can offer a lot of insight into what works—especially when it gives you an opportunity to slip your hand in at different angles and adjust to the changing physiology of your partner.

Some people like to use chemical means to help relax: “poppers,” a glass of wine, some pot, or another substance that they feel helps them ease into being fisted. Unfortunately, when we take chemicals to relax, we also lose some of our ability to feel and respond accurately to sensations that may be the precursor to injuries. Part of being risk aware is both understanding and acknowledging the risks of playing in a particular way; we take steps to minimize or eliminate as much of those risks as possible. With fisting, it’s worth giving some thought to and discussing whether it’s a good idea to be under the influence of any mood-altering substances, legal or illegal, that may have wide-ranging repercussions for either partner’s health.

When getting started, remember that arousal goes hand in hand with relaxation in the process of getting fisted. Someone who is turned on, who wants to get fisted, and feels excited about it is far more likely to enjoy the process than someone whose body is pushed to go from zero to 60 in three seconds. Just as with any other form of BDSM or sex play, we need some time to get our bodies warmed up. Other kinds of kinky play can do the job—a flogging or caning for someone who enjoys those sensations, or perhaps a bit of bondage and humiliation. Of course, you can also do some more direct sexual stimulation with hands, mouths, toys, or cocks, as well!

As your partner gets more and more turned on, start using your fingers or penetrative toys to get her vagina more relaxed and opened up. My preference is to use my fingers, slipping them in slowly, one at a time, and letting my partner’s body get accustomed to the sensation before adding an additional finger. I find that taking lots of time, letting my fingers slowly stretch the vagina out rather than thrusting in and out, most often gives me better results; the thrusting can often fatigue the vaginal walls and be overwhelming for the fistee, especially over the course of the play date. I have a number of friends who prefer to get their partners ready to take their hand by using different-sized dildos or vibrators to stretch the vagina, then move on to inserting three or four fingers and working up from there. Again, each body is different, so take time and ask questions to find what works best for you and your partner.

The bottom may mention that she feels an urge to urinate—this is perfectly normal and, in fact, may be the precursor of ejaculation. I know that the first few times I had a partner try to fist me, I worried so much about not peeing on them that I remained too tense to really enjoy the session. Having absorbent pads handy to catch any urine that comes out can help; mostly, it’s vital for you to reassure your partner that she can relax about it, or even encourage her to “push” with the feeling of needing to pee, since that often triggers ejaculation. Above all, it’s vital not to overreact or immediately pull your hand out and shuffle your partner off to the bathroom; the feedback loop that we create with a partner when we express upset or disgust about their bodily functions will eventually limit their ability to relax and enjoy the scenes we create with them.

I like to feel dirty when we play, so sometimes my Mistress tells me how wet I am, or how I look with my legs up in the air and my cunt open for her. She’ll encourage me to squirt, tell me to bear down, not just because it makes it easier for me to orgasm, but also because She knows that it’s both embarrassing and erotic for me. For some reason, when She calls attention to what my body is doing, it makes it easier for me to just go with it and enjoy it.

Stimulating the G-spot or A-spot can help the bottom relax and enjoy the sensations even more; in some cases, orgasms that happen during fisting can create more relaxation postorgasm, allowing you to fit even more of your hand into your partner. However, for some people the additional stimulation actually pushes them to a place where they tighten their vagina even more, so pay attention to whether different kinds of stimulation get your partner more into the fisting or take her away from the experience that you want to create. If you want to increase the G-spot stimulation, pressing or rocking your hand to push against it with your thumb or forefinger can work well, as it doesn’t require you to remove your hand in order to add to stimulation. Some people also enjoy tucking a small bullet vibe into their hand and pressing it against the G-spot.

As you gradually insert more of your hand into your partner’s body, check in regularly. Ask your partner to tell you how it’s feeling, and where she’s feeling pain or discomfort. This is really important, because it will allow you to adjust your technique to help her feel more comfortable. You may also have her use hand signals like the universal “stop” sign (holding up her outstretched hand) or a thumbs-up if she’s ready for more—this can provide an additional way for her to communicate while still being able to stay in the moment. Also, remember that it’s important to relube your hand regularly, and check your gloves for any signs of breakage.

Many people get frustrated during fisting. “I can’t get my hand in past the knuckles” or “I’m out of room” are frequent comments from novice and sometimes even experienced fisters. The reality is that we are working to fit our hands into a part of the body that usually doesn’t expand more than a few inches in diameter, so it’s not always the easiest thing to make happen. The first “bump in the road” is often just before the knuckles enter the vagina—we run out of “stretch” and may feel as if we are totally blocked.