Tristan Taormino - The Ultimate Guide to Kink - BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge

Eventually, even the most jaded of tops might find that they seem to have trained their bottoms in everything they want. This is usually a combination of laziness and lack of imagination. Why should you stop refining pleasure? Expand your training to more variations. When your sex slave has become the world’s most amazing cocksucker, start him on ass licking. Or, even better, assign him to find some new variation on cocksucking that is not currently in his repertoire. But be specific, so as not to look completely lazy. “Go learn something to please me” has got to be the worst cop-out tops use after “Go on the Internet to find the slave protocol.” Either way, you get what you deserve. Remember, this is all personal, and direction and leadership comes from the top. Give your slave what she needs to get her started! And if by chance you are very vague, accept what she offers with an open mind and good grace, and resolve to be more specific and dominant for the next assignment.

Keep in mind my definition of sexual behavior. It’s not just what gets you off, it’s what gets you in the neighborhood. Does a long, slow dance make you horny? Then having your slave become a good dancer is a worthy goal. Does having your back scrubbed with scented salt crystals in a hot shower make you more ready to turn around and fuck someone against the tiles? Then having the scrubs available—and the slave ready to hop into the shower with them—is part of what you might want to train them to do. And you can get more esoteric too—perhaps the slave should shop for new scrubs, or merely keep your favorites in stock. Or even make you some, if they are crafty that way.

While not limiting yourself to genitalia-based service, don’t box yourself off from the pleasures of receiving other SM-like pleasures. Many tops honestly enjoy a long, sensual beating or even a short and painful one. They just confuse the act of receiving pleasure in that way with being submissive. There is a huge difference between submitting to a lashing and ordering someone to beat you harder; knowing this and being able to enjoy whatever you like is part of what it means to be a confident, strong top.

Sadly, many dominant people have also deprived themselves of the pleasure of being fucked or sucking off their slaves because of the misconception that these things make them appear submissive. It is not the act which is dominant or submissive, but the attitudes and intentions of the partners that makes it so. “So, slave, have you earned the right to fuck me?” can be the most empowering, dominant thing a top can say, reducing the lucky bottom to a quivering mass of erotic flesh. Or it can merely be one of the slave’s many sexual uses; it’s your slave, after all. Their hands and cocks are yours, just as their mouths and other holes are. What use you make of their bodies and their skills is part of their sexual service to you. And if your new slave is unlearned in the art of top-fucking, lucky you: here is a brand-new opportunity for more training, more assignments, more rewards and punishments.

One aspect of training you might also use for fun and profit is testing . I don’t include it as one of the basic concepts because, really, every time you have sex can be construed as a sort of test. But you can plan specific tests, whether you announce and schedule them or spring them on your slave with gleeful surprise. You can use a test to mark the end of a training period, or just to spice up a quiet weekend.

Say your sex slave has been blacking boots for three months now because having your boots done makes you so crazy sexed up you need your slave to learn every detail in order to make your boots sparkle and your wobbly bits eager. You can either announce the quiet evening at home with that treasured pair of boots you’ve withheld from him these long months, or you can set up something at your local leather bar with all your friends and family on hand to watch and celebrate. Your slave does the boots, you grab him and fuck him on the floor in the basement, or right there on the pool table in front of that gang of friends. He passed the test, yay! It’s happy all around.

Or, you’ve been having your slave learn the most advanced and esoteric fisting techniques for quite some time and you think she’s ready to give you the ride of your life. But instead of setting up the home dungeon with the sling and the candles and the soft music playing, you are waiting for her with heels in the air on the dining room table when she gets home from work. “Do me, slave,” you command. “Make it good, or it’s back to fingering cantaloupes for you.”

Training a sex slave does not lead to your normal pop quiz, that’s for sure.

Finally, remember that your training relationship is ultimately only a small part of your human interaction with your partner; it’s not required, not vital, and certainly not something worth making each other unhappy about. If it causes you to fight, or hurt each other’s feelings, suspend it and take care of what really matters first. Keep in mind that your goals are to expand your sexual playground, increase your erotic connection, enhance your intimacy, and embrace the complex and exciting aspects of dominance and submission. If these are foremost in your intentions and you can laugh at an occasional mistake without feeling threatened or diminished, your role as the leader and teacher, judge and arbiter, administrator of rewards and punishments will be all the more satisfying, both to you and your sex slave. And your slave will thank you for it. Exactly the way you prefer!

When I slip my hand into my partner’s cunt, my entire focus narrows down to the feel of her vaginal walls around my hand: tight, hot, pulsing, and slick. I don’t feel the rest of my body—I only feel the point of connection between the two of us.

I never really thought about fisting until I was in my late 20s and just beginning to fully explore my sexuality. I came across some fisting porn on the Internet and really couldn’t see the point in it; it looked scary, painful, and decidedly unsexy. It took me a few years to get past my preconceptions about it; one day, it just clicked for me. Now it’s one of my favorite activities with new partners and long-term lovers alike, and every time I get the chance to be inside one of them it’s an entirely new experience for both of us.

As a fister, I get a feeling of exultation from penetrating my partner with a part of my body that is attached to me (something that I don’t otherwise have the ability to do). I love the feeling of my partner’s heartbeat through her vaginal walls; I love feeling the slickness of her body, the tightness around my hand, and hearing her expressions of arousal and exertion. I love helping her work toward the goal of my hand inside her; it feels like midwifing a spiritual experience, watching and exhorting her to take just a little more, breathe just a little deeper, relax and let the orgasm come. Fisting is a singularly spiritual and carnal experience, and it’s one that brings amazing intimacy with it.

Fisting is not a BDSM-only activity; yet, the combination of power, control, energy, and sex that it offers makes it a natural way to explore power exchange. It can affirm a bond between partners, requiring and building trust between people in a way that few other types of play can do. And it can be incorporated into almost any type of scene, from humiliation to reward to bondage to beatings, and even into spiritual guidance and growth.

Fisting is often misunderstood, not only because of the images that often spring to mind when talking about it (the old idea of “punch fucking,” for one), but also because we are generally not used to exploring the internal organs with as much mindfulness as is necessary to create a sexy, healthy scene. So, let’s start by taking a look at the physiology of the vagina.