Tera Patrick - Sinner Takes All

Before we knew how big the venue really was and that it was sold out, Evan gave me this pep talk: “Don’t worry if there’s only two hundred people there. You’re new to the market. Don’t worry.” And then we show up and there were thousands of people there. Once again there wasn’t a stripper pole on the stage because it wasn’t a strip club, so we decided to improvise a bit and use a chair in the center of the stage as a prop. But that didn’t help much. The huge stage made our tiny chair look like Stonehenge from the movie This Is Spinal Tap. We were cracking up over that. Evan decided to just treat it like a rock show and use the video monitors at the venue to show my performance. That did the trick.

The large crowd didn’t freak me out at all. In fact, it’s easier to perform for a larger audience than a more intimate one. It’s easy to be great when you have thousands of people screaming for you. The intensity of the crowd really got me going, and I killed!

The line for photos and merchandise afterward was the longest line I’d ever had in my entire career. It was so long and so slow that Evan got a megaphone and was walking down the line telling people, “Due to the large volume of fans, we are selling one thing. It’s a package with a DVD, a Polaroid with Tera, and an autographed eight-by-ten photo for fifty Australian dollars.” He was embarrassing me. He’d stand up on the table and shout out: “Cash only!”

We sold out of everything, making more than $40,000 in merchandise sales! We had Tera Patrick T-shirts that looked like the Harley-Davidson logo, but they said Tera Patrick and Teravision on them, along with trucker hats, posters, and glossy photos. We were taking in so much cash that Evan had to send a runner out to buy him a fanny pack to put the money in. People joke about “suitcase pimps”—you know, the boyfriend of the porn star who rolls her suitcase around for her, collects (and spends) her dough, and pimps her out. Evan was my fanny-pack pimp on this trip!

We made so much money from this trip that we decided to spend the cash on a lavish vacation in the most exclusive resort in the area: the Hayman Island Resort in the Great Barrier Reef. It’s what they like to call a “six-star” resort on a private, remote island. We had to take two flights and two ferries to get there. It’s very exclusive and very expensive, but we were busting at the seams with cash and needed a getaway. It was so upscale that when we’d come out of a secluded lagoon after skinny-dipping, there was a butler greeting us with, “Would you care for a towel, madame? How about water, sir?” We didn’t think the Seinfelds fit in here, so we started addressing each other as Mr. Kookaburra and Mrs. Barramundi. Kookaburra is a bird native to Australia that is known as “the laughing bird” for its loud call, and a barramundi is a native fish. Throughout the entire trip it was, “Good morning Mr. Kookaburra. Would you care for a stroll on the beach today?” “Why yes, Mrs. Barramundi, that sounds like a delightful idea.”

We were having the time of our lives in the most beautiful place we’d ever been, so we decided to get married again. Evan said on our first wedding night that he wanted to marry me over and over again, and he made good on that just eight months later. And like Vegas, Evan handled all of the arrangements. He loved whipping up romantic surprises for me. He went out and got me a diamond wedding band, as I still didn’t have a band from our first wedding. A vintage white Rolls-Royce drove us to the ceremony spot on a grassy area elevated above the beach with a stunning view of the water.

I’ll never forget Evan’s vows to me. He said, “I have no doubt that we will love each other forever. Our life is moving very fast externally, but I just want you to know that, internally, I’m standing still with you, holding hands.”

THE RULES OF OUR MARRIAGE:

1. Agree to agree

2. Let the other live out all of their fantasies on camera and off

3. Treat each other’s feelings with the utmost care and respect

4. Never forget that our relationship is about love, friendship, fun, compassion, trust, partnership, and, of course, sex

5. When having sex with other people, never forget that it’s just about sex

6. Tera is number one to Evan and Evan is number one to Tera

I was up worrying the whole night before our first day of shooting Tera Tera Tera on February 2, 2004. This was going to be Evan’s first movie. I knew he’d be able to maintain an erection and I knew he’d look hot on camera, but I also knew that fucking on camera is not the same as fucking at home. The advice I gave him was this: “Just remember that you’re having sex with your wife, and I’m here to help you in any way I can. Listen to the director, forget about the cameras, and focus on me.”

Every newcomer to porn is worried that he won’t be able to keep his dick hard for the entire shoot. But Evan didn’t have to worry about that. I knew that he’d been able to stay hard for hours with me at home. And even if he did get nervous on the set, I was there to be his “fluffer.” There’s this myth in porn of girls called fluffers whose only job is to keep the male performer hard in between takes. Maybe it was true back in the day, but today we don’t have these extra girls hanging around. It’s up to the female performer if she wants to help the guy out or not. If you’re nice, you’ll suck him off or jerk him off or play with your pussy to keep him aroused. But many girls in porn today are like, “Keep your own dick hard. No one’s keeping me wet. It’s your problem.” I was never one of those girls—I always helped the guy out between scenes. I’d always ask him what turned him on and then I’d do it. I was a giver.

So I told Evan that I would be his fluffer and help him throughout the shoot if he needed it. He wasn’t worried about having sex in front of people because, like me, Evan is an exhibitionist.

But he did put some thought into his load. In porn, guys get competitive about how big of a load they can shoot. What makes a great cum shot, you ask? Lots of it! So Evan went to porn star Peter North, who is renowned for having one of the best cum shots in the industry, never failing to deliver a tremendous load. Evan wanted to make sure his wad was worthy too, so he rang up Peter and asked what he does to get such volume. Peter told him that he takes a combination of Chinese herbs with reishi mushrooms and guarana. It didn’t sound good to Evan, so he decided to go au naturel .

I could tell he was nervous. I could see it in his face. I’d never seen him nervous before, so he made me a little nervous too. Everyone on set wanted to make sure Evan was comfortable and ready. Our director, a fabulously flamboyant drag queen named Chi Chi LaRue, pulled Evan aside and said, “Do you want some Viagra? Most guys take some type of dick pills.”

“No way,” said Evan. “I don’t mess with that stuff. I’m not going to try it for the first time on my first scene. I’ll be fine.”

It was time for our first scene: I’m lying on a wooden table in this industrial loft in downtown L.A. in pink lingerie with this huge jeweled necklace on. Evan takes one look at me and says, “Wow. You look so beautiful.” Right then, I knew everything would be OK. Here I was doing something again that I love, with the man I love. It felt special. It felt new again. I realized then how much I’d missed it, and I loved being able to share it with him.

We start out by kissing, and then he starts eating my pussy and he’s getting into it and I’m getting into it. All is going well and we’re both beginning to forget about the cameras and crew and just focus on each other. Just as we are hitting our stride, Chi Chi starts going, “Yeah. Eat that pussy. Suck that pussy. Let me see that demon hand!” (Evan has a tattoo of a demon on his left hand.) “Put that demon hand in that pussy. Yay!” I’m trying hard not to laugh so I didn’t blow the moment, but Evan couldn’t take it anymore. Evan stops eating me out and scolds Chi Chi: “Chi Chi,” he said, “I love you, but you’re making me nervous. Stop talking!”