Алекс Баркли - I Confess

Clare waited.

‘Ah, get lost,’ said Laura. ‘Everyone’s mam was like that. That doesn’t mean anything.’

‘I can tell you the rest,’ said Clare, ‘but I don’t want to upset you.’

Laura laughed. ‘You couldn’t give a shit. Obviously.’

‘In fairness to Clare,’ said Murph, ‘you’re the one who told her she could say it in front of all of us.’

‘That’s not what I’m talking about,’ said Laura. ‘I’m saying... in general.’

‘Ah, come on,’ said Murph.

Laura looked at Clare. ‘Go on, so.’

‘Your mam and Kevin... that was going on when we were in sixth class,’ said Clare. ‘The night Jessie was raped, Kevin had left her on her own to go meet your mother—’

‘Whoa — what?’ said Murph.

‘Laura — your dad was on duty the night of the rape,’ said Clare, ‘but he had his suspicions about your mam, so he kept an eye on your place, and when she came out, he followed her to the graveyard. Kevin was picking her up in the van.’

‘And where’s all this coming from?’ said Laura. ‘How come you “know” all this?’

‘I do know,’ said Clare. ‘Kevin told my parents. They were the only people he told, apparently. But, basically what happened on the night was that your dad stayed following them, and when they went their separate ways, he followed Kevin home.’

Everyone exchanged glances.

‘And...?’ said Laura, looking at Clare.

Clare waited.

‘What?’ said Laura. ‘What am I supposed to be getting here?’

‘Fuck’s sake,’ said Murph. ‘It obviously means—’

‘Shut up,’ said Laura. ‘I’m not asking you.’

‘It means,’ said Clare, ‘that your dad knew exactly what time Kevin got home. And if Kevin called the guards as soon as he found Jessie, which he did, then your dad would have known for a fact that Kevin wasn’t the rapist — he wouldn’t have had the time.’

‘Jesus Christ,’ said Murph. ‘Literally, Kevin could have had a sergeant as his fucking alibi—’

Clare nodded. ‘And how would your dad have been able to explain that?’

‘That poor prick — Kevin,’ said Murph. ‘And there wasn’t a thing he could do about it.’

‘No one wanted the affair to get out — it wasn’t in anyone’s interest,’ said Clare. ‘Colm would have looked like a fool in front of his colleagues, Teresa was away at a pilgrimage in Knock and had left Kevin in charge of Jessie, and if she found out that he left her alone to go off and meet his...’

‘Fancy woman?’ said Laura.

‘That wasn’t what I was going to say,’ said Clare. ‘But — out he goes and we know what happened next. He said he locked the door, though, he thought she was safe.’

‘Well, of course he was going to say that,’ said Laura.

‘So,’ said Clare, ‘he and your parents agreed that they would all go with the story that he had the television up loud, and he didn’t hear anyone come in.’

‘Didn’t I tell you?’ said Murph. ‘I knew that was weird.’

Laura stared into space. ‘But Dad could still have stopped the rumour about Kevin before it started. He could have made it very clear “there’s no way that that man would ever lay a finger on that child” or whatever and everyone would have believed him. Everyone trusts Dad.’

No one spoke.

‘Dad wasn’t...’ said Laura. ‘He wouldn’t have... he’s not a spiteful man. He wouldn’t have let that to happen... deliberately...’ She looked around at everyone. ‘Would he?’

‘Maybe not deliberately,’ said Clare.

‘But... he didn’t really go out of his way, did he?’ said Laura. ‘Dad. To find out who did it.’ She looked at Murph. ‘That’s what you were getting at earlier.’

‘No, it wasn’t,’ said Murph. ‘That was a general... I don’t know what it was. A dig at the guards, maybe.’

Clare looked at Laura. ‘You said yourself, earlier, that your dad left no stone unturned.’

‘Yeah, well it’s looking a little different now, isn’t it?’ said Laura. ‘I mean, Kevin’s whole life went to shit. If Dad had caught the bastard who raped her, then none of that might have happened.’ She paused. ‘I mean — the fire would have, but...’ She glanced at Murph.

‘Laura,’ said Clare, ‘there’s no way your dad would have done something as awful as not tracking down the rapist, just to spite Kevin. Don’t forget — you were eleven too. We all were. Miriam was — what? Same age as Johnny — sixteen?’

Johnny nodded.

‘Do you really think your dad wouldn’t have done everything he could to find the guy?’ said Clare. ‘He mightn’t have gone out of his way to clear Kevin’s name, but he wasn’t arresting him either.’

Laura let out a breath.

‘And it was Regatta,’ said Murph. ‘Town was crazy. Especially back then. There was no way they could have tracked down everyone. Plus all the boats that were in, the crews, the people working the merries.’

‘And it wasn’t like they have the technology they have today,’ said Patrick.

‘Thanks, lads,’ said Laura, ‘but he still sat back and let a man’s life be destroyed.’ She paused. ‘I know he’s my dad and I love him... but...’

Clare looked at Laura. ‘I’m so sorry I had to tell you all that.’

‘No, you aren’t,’ said Laura. ‘And, no you didn’t, did you?’ She gave Clare a slow tight smile. ‘But the message is — I’m being very loyal to a man who doesn’t deserve it.’

‘I wouldn’t have put it quite like that,’ said Clare. ‘And you don’t have to defend a daughter’s loyalty to anyone here.’

Laura sat back and folded her arms. ‘Well, if what you’re saying is true, surely, if there’s anything to be learned from it, it’s that lying — or lying by omission or covering shit up — can ruin people’s lives.’

‘There are lots of ways to ruin people’s lives,’ said Clare, glancing at Johnny.

‘But if people told the truth from the get-go,’ said Laura. ‘Then—’

‘Oh, good God,’ said Clare. ‘Coming from the prison officer?’ She laughed.

‘What?’ said Laura. ‘I’m now supposed to believe the inmates that say they’re innocent? They told the truth, and look what happened to them?’ She laughed back at Clare.

‘There are five people in this room,’ said Clare, ‘who are part of five families, and who all have multiple responsibilities. This is not just about you, and your world. You said it yourself — your world is tiny: prison for work, prison at home, and inmate in a maximum security Micra in between.’

‘I was being funny,’ said Laura.

‘I know,’ said Clare. ‘Because you are funny, and you have a way of summing things up that none of the rest of us have.’

Murph nodded. ‘Yeah — you don’t give a fuck.’

‘Well, I give a fuck now!’ said Laura. ‘And ye can’t handle it. Or do I have to not give a fuck about a human life to be friends with ye all now?’

Everyone went quiet.

Laura folded her arms. ‘I’m disgusted with ye, lads.’

‘Give it a rest, Laura, for fuck’s sake!’ said Murph. ‘We came here tonight because it was Helen’s birthday, we’d be happy to fucking see each other, and we wanted to have the craic. And we did! Until... this—’

‘“THIS”,’ said Laura, ‘is a fucking murder, Murph. Can you say it? Or is it too much for your sensitive soul?’

‘You’re acting like we’re all savages,’ said Murph. ‘What do you think happened? We all fucked off over the years, going about our business, turning into monsters? Meanwhile, you’re in the slums of Limerick, turning into Mother Teresa? Are you telling me you were sitting here earlier, thinking: Jesus, I’m getting a funny fucking vibe off Murph? Or: Christ, Clare’s turned into an awful heartless bitch?’ He took a breath. ‘We were handed a shit sandwich... and all we can do at this stage is scrape off the shit, and stomach the rest.’