Алекс Баркли - I Confess

‘But we’re... us,’ said Laura. ‘Everyone around here knows us.’

Clare looked at her. ‘Not any more, they don’t.’

Patrick reached down and threw a log on to the fire. He tapped on the bar. ‘Clare’s right about how this could look to the rest of the world—’

‘Do you think the “rest of the world” gives a shite about us?’ said Laura. ‘And if they did, I sure as fuck wouldn’t give a shite what they thought about me. I know who I am. And I’m happy out with it. I know I’m someone who does the right thing. And another thing I am is a guard’s daughter. Look at my entire family. My father and his father and his father before him—’

‘All loved the taste of Kerrygold,’ said Murph.

‘It’s not funny!’ said Laura. ‘I’m not buying your dark funny bullshit—’

‘I’m not selling it,’ said Murph. He spread out his arms. ‘Joke like nobody’s laughing.’

‘Shut up,’ said Laura. ‘I’m serious — all of them, respected guards. Sergeants! But I suppose ye all think the guards are thick shits!’

‘This isn’t about your dad,’ said Clare. ‘If he was still the Sergeant, I might feel differently—’

‘Jesus, if Colm was still Sergeant, I’d definitely be fucked,’ said Johnny.

‘He’s not wrong,’ said Murph.

‘I’m not sitting here listening to everyone talk shit about my dad,’ said Laura. ‘You couldn’t meet a more decent, hardworking, honest man. He never left a stone unturned—’

Murph raised his eyebrows.

‘What was that in aid of?’ said Laura.

‘Nothing,’ said Murph. ‘Sorry. Low blow.’

‘What do you mean low blow?’ said Laura.

‘Just,’ he shrugged. ‘This has nothing to do with Jessie.’

The room went very still.

‘Jessie?’ said Laura.

Murph’s face started to redden.

‘Is that what you all think?’ said Laura. ‘That my dad fucked up there? My dad worked his—’

‘No,’ said Clare, ‘we do not think that.’

‘Lads,’ said Murph. ‘We’re getting off the point. We’re talking about thirty-odd years ago, and a sergeant who’s retired.’

‘Yes,’ said Clare. ‘Can we all agree that this has nothing to do with Laura’s father?’

‘Well, it does if it’s affecting how she’s voting,’ said Johnny.

‘My morals are affecting how I’m voting,’ said Laura.

Johnny’s eyes widened.

‘Go fuck yourself,’ said Laura.

‘Jesus, do we like each other at all, lads?’ said Murph.

‘All I’m saying,’ said Laura, ‘is I’m not going to ruin my family’s name—’

‘Too late!’ said Murph.

Laura slammed her hand on the table. ‘Stop!’

‘This isn’t about your dad,’ said Clare. ‘Don’t personalize this.’

‘Are you fucking joking me?’ said Laura. ‘So “don’t personalize” this, but then I’m supposed to think about Johnny’s personal life before I go around having the cheek to do what’s right?’ Laura looked around the room. ‘Whatever you thought of him personally, there’s a man out there whose life has been taken, who — if you had your way, by the sound of it — would be robbed of the right to a decent burial, whose family might never know what happened to him. What is wrong with ye? Have ye a conscience at all between you?’

‘But,’ said Clare, ‘you’re talking about—’

‘Breaking the law!’ said Laura, throwing up her hands. ‘Breaking the fucking law! Surely, I don’t need to explain that to you, Your Honour.’

Clare stared at her. ‘Will you be at that for the night: “Your Honour”?’

‘Not at the rate you’re going,’ said Laura.

‘God, you are one angry woman,’ said Clare.

Laura’s mouth opened.

‘Lads, can we keep this a bit civilized?’ said Murph.

Johnny laughed. ‘You know you’re fucked when Murph’s the one calling for civil...’

‘Civility,’ said Clare.

‘God — you’re one arrogant woman,’ said Laura.

Clare’s eyes sparked with anger.

‘Can we scrap all the talking?’ said Laura. ‘I’m not going along with this. There is literally nothing any of you can say that’s going to make me change my mind.’

‘How can you possibly know that?’ said Clare.

‘For exactly the reasons I just mentioned,’ said Laura. So we can go back and forth the whole night, you can vote whatever way you like, but I’m not going to go along with it. You’re still going to get the same answer from me: we do the honourable thing. We call the guards. End of.’

Clare sprung to her feet, startling her, startling everyone. She slapped two fists down on the table and leaned across to Laura. ‘You know something?’

Laura drew her head back. Clare leaned in closer and stabbed a finger at her. ‘FUCK honour. Fuck it.’

Clare’s eyes bored into Laura’s. ‘Sorry, but I can’t. I can’t listen to one more word about your father and honour.’

Laura’s eyes widened.

‘Hold on a second now,’ said Murph.

‘No!’ said Clare, batting him back without looking at him, her gaze steady on Laura. ‘I can have this conversation with you here in front of everyone or we can take it somewhere private.’

Laura laughed. ‘Oh, get it all out, girl,’ she said, spreading her arms wide. ‘Get it all out.’

‘Are you sure?’ said Clare.

‘We don’t have to hear any of this, Laura,’ said Murph. ‘Why don’t you and Clare—’

‘No,’ said Laura. ‘No. We’ve no secrets here — isn’t that right?’

Clare paused. A nervousness flickered in her eyes.

‘What?’ said Laura. ‘Is it that bad?’ She tried to laugh.

Clare let out a breath.

‘I just think you might feel differently when I tell you what it is.’

‘I won’t,’ said Laura. ‘Just fucking tell me.’

Clare shrugged. ‘Jessie’s dad — Kevin. Do you remember he used to work for my dad?’

Laura frowned. ‘Vaguely. Why?’

‘You know Kevin had a terrible time after the rape — people thinking he did it, looking at him sideways, telling their kids not to set foot inside their door? Well, Mam and Dad used to have him over for dinner. Quite a lot. Things weren’t going well between him and Teresa, so it was him on his own, maybe after work or on the odd Sunday evening. If you think about it — there were three young girls in our house, but my parents still invited him up all the time. They didn’t seem to have any issue with him, didn’t tell us not to be alone with him, nothing.’

Laura shrugged. ‘So they believed him — so what? Loads of people did.’

Clare shook her head. ‘No — it wasn’t just that. Mam told me — years later — that it was because they knew, categorically, that Kevin did not rape Jessie.’

‘How could your parents know “categorically” when Dad didn’t? And he was the Sergeant,’ said Laura.

‘That’s my point,’ said Clare. ‘Your father did know.’

Laura stared at her. Clare didn’t drop eye contact. There wasn’t a sound in the room.

‘Are you sure that you want to hear the rest of this in front of everyone?’ said Clare.

‘Yes!’ said Laura. ‘I do’

‘Did you know,’ said Clare, ‘that at the time of the rape, your mother was having an affair with Kevin?’

Laura looked at her like she had lost her mind. ‘Kevin. And my mam. What — in between baking? Jesus — Mam’d get up and turn off Dallas if there was a sex scene. We used to say she only had sex three times — to have us.’

No one spoke.

‘Sure, she’d push Dad away if he came up behind her when she was making the dinner,’ said Laura.