Mare Moody - [blank]

Everyone begins to eat when my father begins to ask questions that I had hoped he wouldn't mention.

"Has she told you about her mother?" My father rudely asks.

"Um, yes." Noah says. He is growing uncomfortable. I feel bad for him.

"Damn woman couldn't handle it after her mother died," he says staring into his plate of food while shoveling it into his face, “It runs in the family, you know."

Noah and I sit in silence. My father is really good at getting people to shut up just by making them uncomfortable.

"What about Kane?" My father asks. He did not just say that. Please tell me he didn't say that. I can't handle any more conflict right now.

"Who?" Noah says. He looks thoroughly confused and he should be. I intended for it to stay that way.

"He's nobody," I reassure Noah. He can't know. He won't know.

"You haven't told him?" My father pushes.

"Who is he?" Noah asks.

"It's nothing!" I bark. The urgency in my voice worries Noah. He knows I'm holding a secret from him now. I can't tell him. He just going to have to understand that.

My dad laughs and shakes his head. He shovels more pasta into his mouth. I make a disgusted face at him. I hate this man so much.

Noah looks at me. He wants to know but I won't tell him. No way in hell am I telling him. I look down at my plate. | Everyone sits in awkward silence. Like I said, it's my father's speciality.

I eat until my plate is empty. Perhaps if I keep pasta in my mouth then nobody will ask me questions.

When all of the plates are empty, Noah gets up and grabs all of them. He roughly grabs mine. He is mad. I feel bad for not telling him but I never wanted to tell him. I want to repair from it and keep it out of my new relationship. If I bring the poison into our chemistry, it will become toxic. I can't risk that. But I know I fucked up. I should have explained it in a way that would have made it seem like not a big deal. According to my actions tonight though, he knows that it's not a relaxed topic for me. He puts the plates in the kitchen.

"Anybody want coffee?" I can hear the grit in his voice.

"Sure," my father replies. I was hoping he'd just leave.

"No, I'm good," I say fidgeting with my fingers. The room feels like it's spinning. I fucked up. I know it.

"You don't drink coffee anymore?" My father laughs, "You used to drink it out of your bottle."

I shake my head, "It's an expensive addiction."

My father scoffs at this and grabs the cup of coffee that Noah is handing him. He takes a hearty chug and audibly expresses his adoration with a gentle "Ah!"

"So what else has gone on," he inquiries, "You can't tell me nothing has happened in 5 years."

"Dad, I saw you less than a month ago." I sigh.

"Yeah, but you ran off like you always do," he sighs back.

Noah is caught in all of this just trying to stay afloat.

"Well, something has happened in the last month." I say indignantly.

"Do tell." My father requests.

"I'm pregnant."

He chokes on his coffee and almost spills it on the clean wood floors.

"Pregnant?" He asks. He sounds alarmed. I can understand why.

"My little girl is having a baby?" The confusion fades in his voice and cheeriness starts to rise.

"Yes, Dad," I say, "I'm having a baby."

He places his coffee cup on the table and walks over to me. He pulls me out of my chair and into a bear hug. For that moment, I actually felt loved by him. I can feel my mother channeling through him and it gives me a certain sense of peace.

He lets me go and walks over to Noah.

"Is this the lucky father?" He grins.

"Yes," I say. I say it with confidence though I still don't know. In my heart I hope he is so in my mind he will stay as such.

This lightens up Noah a bit but he is still, I can see it in his grimace. He hides his frown with a smile but I've seen him excited before and this expression does not match that at all. My father pulls him into an even stronger hug than mine.

My father is so ecstatic that I can't help but feel the watered down version of his joy. He looks at is in pure ecstasy.

"Well, I better get out of here," he says with a laugh, "I’ll leave you kids to it."

I roll my eyes. Dumbass.

He hugs me again. Noah walks over to the coat rack and grabs his coat. He hands it to him when our hug is terminated.

"If you need anything, you know who to call!" My father yells on his way out of the door.

Tabitha.

"Of course, Dad," I smile, "I'll see you soon."

I shut the door behind him. He is finally gone. I sigh and lean against the door. My eyes shut and attempt to permit any sense of rest into my body. I am so tense. My shoulders are so tired from all of this weight. I relax for one moment until I remember Noah's anger. Shit.

I open my eyes. He stands in front of the breakfast bar. He grips the counter. His fingers are white from the pressure he is placing on them. His face is cold and his aura is red.

"Who is Kane," he asks firmly.

"Nobody," I say. I avoid looking him in the eye and begin to clean up the table.

"Ana." He harshly snaps.

"Yes?" I keep my tone neutral.

"Who is Kane." His tone intensifies.

"I told," I say, "nobody."

"Why are you keeping secrets from me!?" He yells.

I break.

"Because that isn't my life anymore. Stop mentioning it. " I holler back.

"ANA," he shouts, "Tell me!"

"No." I yell abruptly.

"You need to let me in! I need to know!" He sounds like a little kid begging for candy at the grocery store. His chagrin is almost laughable.

"No. You don’t. You want to know." I bark at him.

"Don't make this harder than it has to be!" His temper grows which in turn causes mine to explode.

I turn to him. Anger is filling my bones. I feel it move through my body like a restless flame. It builds from my stomach and makes its way across to my arms. I can feel the fire in my palm. I let it control it and my hand flies forward and matches his cheek.

"Get out of my life." I demand.

I walk through his hallway completely broken again. Why do I keep doing this. I am the one that walks out. I always ruin it. What is wrong with me. Every bone in my body wants me to go back but the fire knows that I will cause more damage if I return.

I can figure this out for my child. I can do on my own. I am completely cutting every even slight reminder of Kane out of my life. If that includes Noah, then with pain, I will abandon him too. I can't hide the mirror in my head. It reflects a girl I don't recognize. She rejects love and gives in to weakness.

Listen to me.

No.

LISTEN

NO.

I can't ignore them. I have no distraction. My legs feel weak under me. I walk to the elevator. I hold my stomach delicately. I want to just kill myself. I can't do this anymore. I am only here for the little one growing in my tainted womb. I love them more than the sun can love the moon for take half of it's weight. Please tell me this gets easier.

I pray that my child won't get the shitty life that I have been given. Life has given me shards of glass when I asked for sand. I can't handle it anymore. I want to switch off my brain and feel my mind as a blank slate. I get into the elevator. I feel the hurricane grow around me. I stand in the center watching my life fall apart. I take one noble step and let the storm sweep me up. I am taken in its chaos and embrace the predetermined hell I am in.

I hold my breath as the elevator drops to the ground level. I hold the metal railing with white knuckles. It is my only support.

Go back.

I let go off the bar in the elevator and walk out. I walk out and through the lobby. My heart murmurs. My ears ring. I need to get out of here. I run out of the door and straight into the nearest taxi.