Mare Moody - [blank]

"It's ok," he coos, "I know."

His understanding hurts me. I wanted it. I know I wanted it but now that I have it, I don't know how to handle it. He doesn't pity me. He simply wants to help me and that's what hurts the most. Why can't I handle love.

"You are free from him, Ana," Noah assures me.

Free. From Kane. I am free from Kane. Sitting on the floor of his bedroom with a noose of my making wrapped around his ceiling doesn't feel like freedom.

"We will have a future," he tells me, "we can get away from Boston."

This hits me hard. I want this.

No. You don't.

Yes I do.

All of my thoughts start to vanish. I feel blank. I feel broken.

"Where will we go?" I ask.

I see Tabitha walk down the stairs with a cell phone against her ear. They are going to take me to a mental hospital.

NO.

I can't control it.

You were going to be ok if you just listened to us.

I know.

"We can have a little house in Pennsylvania," he says. He has tears still running down his face but a smile developes and the tears slowly fall into his mouth. He looks at me with such hope. He has little to no care about the world around me. The world flowed between us but it stops at my heart and throws the gravity back at him.

A smile refuses to make its way onto my face. I feel conflicted. I wanted to die but I am happy that I was saved. Am I?

He leans down and presses his lips to mine. I feel it bubble in my stomach. I love him. But I don't want to. God, help me. My lips respond to the kiss but my body isn't sure. I wish I could cut myself into three. My heart, my mind and my body all separate. My heart with Kane, my mind with Noah and my body by itself. My body would float, blissful and free. No brain to weight down its weary neck. No heart to pump poison through its closed veins. Nothing but loose joints, shallow breaths and sun beaming on its pale skin.

Maybe if I killed my heart and mind, then my body would be free.

I hear a commotion outside. People are talking loudly. I get more nervous. They are coming to get me.

They think you are insane.

You are.

I know.

"I don't want to go to a hospital," I say to Noah. He looks at me with sympathy.

"You have to go," he says. I can tell he doesn't want to force me to go. For some reason, he is compelled to. “I don't want this. They will tell me things I don't want to hear."

"They will help you, Ana," he says. He puts his hand on my stomach and rubs it softly.

"Don't you want to get better for our baby?" He says.

I want to get better for my baby. But I know this is not the way to get better. I can't go. I squeeze my eyes shut. I don't want to go.

When I open my eyes again, I see my grandmother in the corner of the room. She looks at me with a worried look.

"Never go to mental hospital," she warns me. She holds her cane in her right hand. When she talks, she points it at me. She uses it to intimidate me.

"I went when I was 20. Your grandfather sent me. I tried to stop the voices with a steak knife and he called the cops on me. They took me to a giant building and locked me in."

She walks closer to me and I listen to her, completely attentive to every word she says.

"The doctor told me it just because I was a woman. They put me in a room and told me to just go through my menstrual cycle and it would be gone."

I am scared. I don't want them to keep me until I have my baby. They will take them away from me.

"They kept me in that room for a week. They finally switched me to another room and I was sent back into another psychological evaluation. This time they told me I was insane and needed to get electrotherapy."

I feel the fright heighten.

"They put a kitchen strainer on my head and zap me with a lightning bolt. I was never the same again."

She looks at me with a stern look.

"Never go to a mental hospital."

"Ok, Grandma," I say, "I won't go."

"Who are you talking to?" Noah asks me. He looks overly worried.

"My grandmother." I point to her.

She smiles at him and waves.

"Ana," he says, "nobody is there."

I look at him confused.

"She is right there," I gesture yet again to her.

I get off of the floor and stand up. My feet are completely unsteady. I wobble with my first step. I walk to my grandmother and attempt to touch her shoulder. When I do, air hits my hand when I look to Noah. When I look back at her, she isn't there.

I look at Noah scared.

"You need to go with them," he says.

"No!" I say. My grandmother cared about me. She wouldn't tell me any advice that wasn't sound and true.

I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I walk backward. They aren't taking me. The door opens and two men walk in. They wear white shirts and blue pants. The patch of Aries is placed on their shoulders.

One walks forward. His black boot makes a noise against the rug.

"Will you come with us?" He says softly.

He is attempting to talk to me as he would a child. It only scares me more. Will they all talk to me like this?

"We just need to get some vitals." He lulls. His voice is intentionally smooth and sweet.

"You are going to take me to a big building and shock me." I say, my hands shake.

"No, we won't," he says with a laugh, "who told you that?"

"My grandmother just did," I say with confidence.

"Was your grandmother in here?" The second man chimes in.

I nod my head.

"I told Noah," I say as I point to him.

He is now standing with the men and looking at me with the same doubtful face. They think I'm crazy.

"Right, Noah?" I plead. I need him to agree.

"Right, baby." he says. He shakes his head to the men and I feel betrayed. He wants them to take me away. He wants them to shock me. He hates me. This is what happens any time I love someone. They betray me.

"Why?" I ask him.

"It's ok," the man attempts to calm me, "just come with me."

I look at him. I don't know if I trust him. I can't be sure.

He puts his hand on my shoulder and fear rushes through my veins. I pull back my body as quickly as possible. I don't want him to touch me.

"I'm not going with you," I tell him firmly.

"We just want to help," the other man says.

"I don't need help."

"Just take her," the first man says. He pulls out a pair of silver handcuffs. My brain flashes back to the handcuffs holding me to Kane's bed. I get more scared. I can't handle this. I run to the edge of his bedroom and attempt to get away from the cuffs.

The man walks forward with them and I try to back up but I met with walls. He walks up to me and tries to reason with me again.

"I won't have to use these if you just come with us, ok?" He moves the handcuffs around in my face. He knows they scare me.

Noah looks nervous. I look at him with fear. He betrayed me but he is the only one in the room that I trust even the slightest bit. Tabitha is nowhere to be seen and I wish she would come rescue me from this.

He sees my eyes and softens, "Do you want to just walk with me for a bit?"

I nod my head. I hope he won't force me to go with him. He acted like he was going to before but his look of empathy made me trust him a little bit more. He walks over to me and the man backs up. Noah grabs my hand and we walk forward. We walk below the fan and I see my noose still dangling. It still dares.

You can try again once they leave.

Noah walks with me down the stairs and into the front room. 4 more men stand in the room. A hush comes over them when they see me.

"Why are they looking at me like that?" I ask Noah, "Do they think I'm crazy?"

"No," he says, "they are just worried."

Worried? About me? There is absolutely no reason for that. I wish they would stop because frankly, their worry makes me uncomfortable. I wish I could shake it off but when I look at their faces again, the look has only intensified.