Janet Evanovich: Plum Lovin'

"Yeah, but did you get any?" Lula wanted to know.

"Sure," Burlew said. "There was plenty to go around. We even had leftovers."

Lula cut her eyes to me. "Gonna have to get Diesel to talk to him in private."

"I made restaurant reservations tonight for Jet and me," Burlew said. "It's Valentine's Day." He looked more closely at me. "Do you have hives? You know, they're usually an allergic reaction to something. Have you had any shellfish lately?"

"Have a wonderful night," I said to him, trying really hard not to scratch the hive on my forehead. "Call me if you need any more help."

"Is he a apple dumpling, or what?" Lula said, sliding into the Escape. "That Jet is a lucky woman. Not every girl gets a man who has a way with meat like that."

I looked in my rearview mirror and dabbed on more salve.

It was a workday, and Jeanine would be at the button factory and inaccessible, so I tried calling her on her cell.

" 'Lo," Jeanine said.

"It's Stephanie Plum," I told her. "I'm just checking in to see if everything's okay. Why don't I hear any machine noises in the background?"

"I'm home with the worst hangover in the history of the world."

"How'd it go last night?"

"I think it went okay. Can't remember a lot of it, but he was still here when I woke up this morning, so that's a real good sign, right?"

"Right!"

"Turned out he wasn't a virgin, but he wasn't all that experienced either, so we watched the movie together and tried a bunch of stuff, and then I think we passed out. Anyway, he sent me flowers this morning, and we're going out again tonight."

"Wow, that's great, Jeanine. I'm really happy for you."

"Yeah, I'm happy, too, but I'm going to get off the phone and throw up now."

"I think Bob needs to celebrate all this romance shit with a large fries," Lula said. "He's been a real good dog just sitting back there, but he looks hungry."

"Bob ate a couch this morning."

"Well okay then I need the large fries. I need some carbs and grease to balance out all the chocolate."

I hit the drive-through window at Cluck-in-a-Bucket and got a monster bucket of fries and a couple sodas and a cheeseburger for Bob. I parked in the Bucket lot and tossed Bob his burger.

Diesel pulled up beside me, got out of his 'vette, and leaned in the window. "Oh man, is that a hive on your forehead? Honey, it's huge ."

"Do you have any?"

"No," Diesel said. "My immune system is exceptionally strong."

"He's good," Lula said. "He found you without a phone call. He's like a white Ranger."

"I'm carrying a bug," I said to Lula.

"You mean like James Bond shit? Like when he gets stuff from one of the alphabet men. Who is it? M? Q? Z?"

"Is there a special Unmentionable guy who makes bugs for you?" I asked Diesel.

"No. I bought the little devil on the Internet. EBay. Got a real good price. Only used once by some guy who thought his wife was cheating. Wanted to let you know Annie has everything arranged. The justice of the peace will be at your parents' house promptly at four."

Lula paused with her fries. "Say what?"

"It's a long story," I said. "The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie."

"Does Morelli know about this?"

"It's pretend ."

"I'm not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol' Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew."

I looked at Diesel.

"Maybe," Diesel said, "but not likely. Its hard to kill me. I don't have to get dressed up for this, do I?"

"I better be invited to this," Lula said. "I'd be really pissed off if you got married without inviting me. And if you want to keep your job, you better invite Connie, too."

"It's not a real wedding," I told her.

"Hell, I don't care. Pretend. Real. It's a wedding. Is there gonna be cake?"

"No cake."

"What kind of cheap-ass wedding hasn't got cake?"

"She's right," I said to Diesel. "We should have a cake."

"I can see I need to take charge of this," Lula said. "Here's what we gonna do. Drop me off at the office, and I'll round up Connie, and we'll go get a cake. Then you and Diesel and Bob can go welcome the guests, 'cause it's almost four."

"There aren't any guests," I said. "This is a family wedding."

"Whatever," Lula said. "Let's get going."

"How'dit go with Bernie?" I asked Diesel on the way to my parents' house.

"He's back with Betty. At least for a while. And he's lost his ability to give people hives. When we get Kloughn married off, all the loose ends will be tied, and you can have Annie."

"Probably the charges will be dropped by the time I bring Annie in. If not, I'll make sure she's immediately bonded out again, so she doesn't sit in jail."

"Appreciate it," Diesel said. "She's from the Planet Ick, but she's a good person."

"This is a surprise," my mother said when Diesel and Bob and I walked through the door. "Are you staying for dinner?" Her eyes got wide. "What's that on your forehead?"

"It's a hive, and we just came to visit."

"You don't get hives," my mother said. "I've never known you to get hives."

Grandma bustled in from the kitchen. "Look at this, it's the big guy! Isn't this a treat."

"Thanks," Diesel said.

I gave him an elbow. "She's talking about Bob."

A car door slammed behind us, and Mary Alice galloped into the house. She was followed by Angie and Albert and Valerie with the baby. They were all dressed up.

"Goodness," my mother said. "What's going on?"

"Did you tell her?" Valerie asked.

"No. I just got here."

"Well, tell her!" Valerie said. "This is so exciting!"

The doorbell rang. It was Annie and the justice of the peace.

"Oh dear," Annie said when she saw my forehead.

Annie was hives from head to toe, but they were fading, and she was uniformly covered in white salve and makeup.

My father was in the living room, watching television. He turned the sound up and hunkered down in his chair.

I looked at Diesel. He was rocked back on his heels, smiling. "Go ahead, honey," he said to me. "Tell them the happy news."

"I'm getting to it," I said.

"What?" Grandma wanted to know. "What?"

"Diesel and I have decided to get married… today."

My mother went white and made the sign of the cross. "Holy Mary, mother of God…"

"What about Joseph?" Grandma asked.

I could feel panic rising in my throat. I looked to Diesel for help.

"He's out of town," Diesel said.

I inadvertently made a sort of strangling sound. "Ulk."

"It was all I could think of," Diesel whispered. "I'm not good at this crap."

My mother sucked in some air. "You're pregnant," she said.

"No!"

"Isn't this fab?" Valerie gurgled. "Two new babies!"

Now my father was on his feet. "Babies? Who's having babies?"

"Stephanie," Valerie said. "She's going to have a baby, and she's getting married."

My father was confused. He looked around the room. No Joe. No Ranger. His eyes locked on Diesel. "Not the psycho," he said.

Diesel blew out a sigh.

My father turned to my mother. "Get me the carving knife. Make sure its sharp."

The doorbell rang again, and Lula and Connie rushed in with the cake. It was a huge wedding cake. Three tiers with a bride and groom on top.

"We got it," Lula said. "Mary Beth Krienski got cold feet and called off her wedding over the weekend, and we got this kick-ass bargain cake. Tasty Pastry was getting ready to heave it into the Dumpster. We got there just in time."

"It's yellow cake with lemon between the layers," Connie said.

"Put the cake on the dining room table," Grandma said. "Do I look okay for the pictures? Is my hair okay?"

Pictures! Val would want wedding pictures. "I didn't think to bring a camera," I said.