Janet Evanovich: Plum Lovin'

I fed the outside cats and realized I hadn't seen Junior in a while.

"Where's Junior?" I asked Ralph.

Ralph shrugged. "Junior runs away a lot," he said.

I yelled for Junior, but Junior didn't show. Ralph and I went upstairs to look for Junior and found Russell and Ernie surfing porn sites.

"They do this all day long," Ralph said. "It's why Russell gets bones."

"It's boner ," Ernie said. "Bone-errrr!"

"Doesn't your mom have parental controls on this computer?" I asked Russell.

"They're broken," Russell said.

"Russell's a geek," Ralph said. "He can break anything. He broke the television so we can watch naked people."

"Anyway, my mother doesn't care what I do," Russell said. "It's not like I'm a kid."

"Of course you're a kid," I said to him. "Shut that off."

"I don't have to," Russell said. "You're not my mother. You can't tell me what to do."

I punched Diesel's number into my phone.

"Help," I said when he answered.

"What's up?"

"I'm babysitting for Charlene, and I've lost a kid, and two more are surfing porn sites, and it's going to look real bad if I have to shoot them."

"I'm not actually a kid person," Diesel said.

"I ordered pizza."

"Honey, you need to come up with something better than pizza as a bribe."

"Okay you can sleep in the bed… but you have to stay on your side."

"Deal."

Diesel and the pizza arrived at the same time. Diesel paid the delivery kid and brought the pizza inside. He dropped the three boxes on the table, opened one, and took a piece.

"You have one kid sitting at the table," Diesel said. "Where are the others?"

"Two are upstairs and refuse to come down. I can't find Junior."

Diesel stood silent for a moment. He turned slightly and looked around the room. He ate some of his pizza and popped the top on a can of soda. "He's under the sink," Diesel said.

I opened the under-the-sink cabinet door and peeked in at Junior. "Do you want pizza?"

"Can I eat it in here?"

I gave him a piece of pizza on a paper towel and closed the door on him.

"Can I have a piece?" Ralph asked.

"Knock yourself out," Diesel said. "I'm going to get your brothers."

Ralph and I helped ourselves to pizza, and Diesel disappeared up the stairs. There was a lot of kid yelling followed by silence. Moments later, Diesel ambled into the kitchen with Russell and Ernie. He had both of them by the backs of their shirts, and their feet weren't touching the floor.

Diesel plunked Russell and Ernie down and selected a second piece of pizza. "Looks like I'm going to be here for a while," he said to Russell and Ernie. "Might as well make it worthwhile. Do you guys play poker? Have you got any money?"

Diesel, Russell, Ernie, and Ralph were still at the kitchen table when Charlene got home. I was watching television. Junior was asleep on the couch next to me.

"How'd it go?" I asked Charlene.

"I think this was the first time in five years no one spilled milk at dinner. It felt weird. And he kissed me good night at the door. That felt weird, too, but I liked it. He's a really nice man."

"Is he your true love?"

"Too early to tell, but he has potential. He's invited me and the kids to his house for dinner tomorrow night."

Diesel meandered in from the kitchen. "Just in time," he said to Charlene. "We were playing pepperoni poker, and we ran out of pepperoni."

Ralph was trailing behind Diesel. "He won all the pep-peronis, and then he ate them," Ralph said.

I raised an eyebrow at Diesel.

"I'm good at cards," Diesel said.

"You were playing with kids!"

"Yeah, but they cheat."

"He said if he caught us cheating again, he'd turn us into toads," Ralph said. "He can't do that, can he?"

"What's with this toad thing?" I said to Diesel.

"Idle threat," Diesel said. "Sort of."

I stuffed myself into my jacket and hung my bag on my shoulder. "Have fun tomorrow night," I told Charlene. "Keep in touch."

Diesel followed me out and walked me to my car.

"What's happening with Annie?" I asked him.

"Can't find her. Can't find Bernie. And now I can't find Lou Delvina. He has a house in Cranberry, but the only one in the house is his wife. There's a two-car garage with just one car in it. I have someone checking on other properties. He's not at his social club. He's not at his place of business."

"It's only nine o'clock. He could be lots of places."

"True. I have Flash watching his house."

My phone buzzed.

"Thank the Lord I got you," Lula said. "You're not gonna believe this one, and don't hang up because this is my one phone call."

"Where are you?" I asked Lula.

"I'm in jail. Where the heck do you think I am with one phone call? Anyways, I need someone to bond me out of here."

"I'll have to get Connie. Vinnie left for his Valentine's cruise with Lucille." I looked at my watch. "It's nine o'clock Sunday night. Connie's going to have to get a judge out of his jammies to set bond. What are the charges?"

"Destruction of personal property and tying a idiot's dick in a knot. And Tank's here, too."

Tank was second in command at Ranger's security company. He was Ranger's best friend, and he watched Ranger's back. He was a big guy who didn't talk much but carried a real big stick. From time to time Lula managed to snag him and have her way, and the next morning Tank would look like the living dead. To my knowledge this was the first time she'd gotten him arrested.

"Tank and me were at this bar," Lula said. "And some drunk-ass moron started on Tank. How Tank had no neck.

And how Tank looked like Shrek, except Tank wasn't green. And I was getting real annoyed because okay, all that's true, but I didn't like this guy's attitude, you see what I'm saying? And then he started calling me Shrek's fat 'ho… and that's when I hit him. And things sort of went in the toilet after that."

Diesel was smiling when I disconnected. "Ranger's gonna be pissed. He works hard to keep a clean, low profile."

"You know Ranger?"

"From a distance."

I called Connie and told her about Lula and Tank.

"Can you get them out?" I asked Connie.

"Probably. I'll have to make some phone calls. I'll get back to you."

Diesel and I got into my Escape. I turned the heat on high, and Diesel cracked his window.

"How do you know Ranger?" I asked him.

Diesel shrugged. "I hear things. I assume Connie is buying a judge?"

"This is a small community. We try to be civilized to each other. Connie will call in a favor."

Diesel was looking relaxed next to me, but I knew his priority was to find Annie, and it had to be on his mind.

"I know you're worried about Annie," I said. "Am I keeping you from whatever it is that you do?"

"I have wheels turning. I'll need to move when I get a call. Until then, I'm all yours."

Connie called back. "I've got the paperwork in motion. I'm going to pick it up now, and I'll meet you at the booking desk in a half hour. I'm assuming Lula and Tank are being held at the station."

"Yep. Ten-four." I turned to Diesel. "This is going to take some time. Would you mind picking Bob up at my parents' house and bringing him home for me?"

"No problem. Call me if you run into trouble."

The Trenton police are housed in a redbrick bunker in a part of town that knows a lot about crime firsthand, mandating that police cars be locked in a lot surrounded by razor wire. Unfortunately, Connie and I didn't qualify for the razor-wire lot and were forced to park on the street, which was more or less a supermarket for chop-shop scouts. Connie drove over in a crapola Beetle she kept for just such an occasion. I got two fake antennae and a big fake diamond-encrusted cross out of my console. I hung the cross on my mirror, and I stuck the antennae to the roof rack. If you didn't look too close you'd think I was a dealer and would most likely kill you if I caught you messing with my car.