Janet Evanovich - Hot Stuff

The first book in the Cate Madigan series, 2007

Cate Madigan had mentally stripped the guy across the table from her, and he’d come up short in every possible way. Cate hadn’t actually wanted to see him naked. The image had just popped into her head. One of those awful moments of too much information ! The guy’s name was Patrick Pugg, and he was the Madigan family’s pick of the week for a boyfriend for Cate.

Cate and Pugg were seated at the Madigan’s chaotic dinner table, where the rule had always been every man for himself . Things had calmed down some since Cate’s brothers Matt and Tom had moved out, but dinner here was still a harrowing experience… in a good Boston Irish kind of way.

There were eight people at the table tonight. Cate, Patrick Pugg, Cate’s parents Margaret and Jim Madigan, Cate’s older brother Danny, Danny’s wife Amy, and their six-year-old twin girls, Zoe and Zelda.

The Madigans were all stereotypical Irish. Milk-white skin sprinkled with freckles, red hair that curled with length, brown eyes, a stubborn streak, and a natural bent toward practical jokes. The men were chunky and fought flat-footed. The women were slim and preferred getting even to getting mad.

Amy was the single frosted cupcake in the box of jelly doughnuts. She didn’t look at all like a Madigan. Amy was the all-American cheerleader with blond hair, blue eyes, and smiley personality. Amy grew up half a block away and, from what Cate knew, Amy and Danny had been together since they were two years old.

“You look all wrinkle-head,” Zoe said to Cate. “What are you thinking about?”

“I was thinking about work,” Cate said. “I need to go in early tonight.”

This was a big fat lie, of course. Cate had been unconsciously grimacing at the thought of a naked Pugg. At five foot six inches he looked eye to eye at Cate. He wasn’t bad looking, but he wasn’t great looking either. Mostly he was… hairy. The hair crept from the cuffs of his shirt and spilled over his collar. He had long sideburns and a pompadour on the top of his head with a single curl pasted to his forehead. He was a car-crash cross between Elvis Presley and Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley . And he had a horrifying habit of referring to himself as Pugg.

“Pugg likes this pot roast,” Pugg said to Cate’s mother. “Pugg would like to find a woman to marry who could make a pot roast like this.”

Cate’s mother beamed at Cate. “Cate makes a wonderful pot roast,” she said. “Don’t you, Cate?”

Cate blew out a sigh and forked up some mashed potatoes. She’d gouge out her eye with a rusted spoon before she’d make a pot roast for Pugg.

“Green beans,” Cate’s father said at the head of the table, and an arm reached across Cate for the bean bowl.

Food was circulating at warp speed around the table: the gravy boat, the dinner rolls, the butter dish, the green beans, the meat platter, the monster bowl of mashed potatoes. This was normal behavior at the Madigan dinner table, and over the years Cate had perfected the technique of passing with her left hand and simultaneously eating with her right.

“I heard the Sox are trading five guys,” Danny said.

Cate’s dad shoveled pot roast onto his plate. “Bull crap.”

“I got something brown on my dress,” Zelda said. “It smells like dookey.”

“It’s gravy,” Amy said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I don’t like it. Make it go away.”

“Dookey dress, dookey dress, dookey dress,” Zoe said.

“Patrick sells tires,” Cate’s mother said to Cate. “He’s the top salesman at his dealership.”

Patrick Pugg winked at Cate. “Pugg is good at selling. Pugg is good at lots of things, if you know what Pugg means.”

“No,” Cate said. “What do you mean?”

Danny was seated next to Cate. You’re baiting him,” Danny said. “This is going to get ugly.”

“Pugg’s wounded,” Pugg said. “Cate doubts Pugg’s romantic virtuosity.”

Danny stared openmouthed at Pugg for a beat. “Wounded? Romantic virtuosity? Who the heck are you? What are you?”

“I’m Pugg.”

“Oh boy,” Danny said. He slid an arm across the back of Cate’s chair and leaned toward her. “Don’t worry. I have a banker I want you to meet. I have it all set.”

Patrick Pugg did a little finger wag at Danny. “Pugg wouldn’t like that. Pugg is committed to making this relationship work.”

Danny narrowed his eyes. “Did I miss something? I thought you just met Cate tonight.”

“Yes, but Cate likes Pugg, right? And Cate wants to see more of Pugg.”

Everyone stopped eating and looked at Cate.

For the past six years Cate had been tending bar and working her way through college, inching closer to her goal of teaching grade school. Cate had always thought teaching second graders would be easy after living with three volatile brothers and tending bar. It was her observation that her older brothers, men in bars, and very young children had many things in common… for instance, they all from time to time exhibited inappropriate behavior, and they were all easily distracted.

If Cate told Pugg she wanted nothing more to do with him, he’d sulk through the rest of the dinner. If she told Pugg she liked him, Danny would sulk through dinner. So Cate did the only sensible thing… she accidentally on purpose tipped her water glass and jumped out of her seat when the water splashed everywhere.

“Shoot,” Cate said. “Just look at this mess. I’m so sorry.”

And she ran to get a kitchen towel.

“Good move with the water,” Danny whispered when she returned. “It’s a classic.”

“It’s all your fault. You caused that confrontation.”

“Did not.”

“Did so.”

“Did not . Anyway, wait until you see the banker. He’s light-years away from this moron. You’re gonna like the banker.”

“No. No more fix ups. I hate fix ups.”

“I wouldn’t have to get you fixed up if you were better at getting dates.”

“I don’t have time for dates right now.”

“You’re not getting any younger,” Danny said.

“I’m twenty-six!”

“I worry about you,” Danny said. “We all worry about you. We don’t like you working in the bar, coming home at all hours, dealing with drunks all night long. You should be married to some nice boring guy who takes care of you and keeps you safe.”

“I don’t want to be married to a nice boring guy. I want to teach school, and I want to marry an exciting guy who rides in on a big black horse and sweeps me off my feet.”

“I’d feel better if he could ride in on a white horse,” Danny said. “Why don’t you at least get a better job? Something that doesn’t dump you out at midnight.”

“The bar is perfect. It pays well. It allows me to go to school during the day. And I’m good with the drinks and the customers. All those years of listening to everyone talk at once at the table are finally paying off.”

Not to mention Cate was getting cheap rent because she was subletting a room from Marty Longfellow. Marty was a South End drag queen who sang at the bar and single-handedly pulled it out of economic disaster. Not only was Marty a fascinating oddity… she was also good. She had a voice like velvet and, after an hour and a half of shaving, two hours of makeup, a half hour to strap herself down and squirm into her dress, she was every woman’s envy and every man’s dream (at least on the surface). Marty sang at the bar two nights a week and traveled the other five, mostly doing private parties. Sometimes she would leave on an extended tour and be gone for a week or two. This was why Cate got the cheap rent. Cate guarded the castle. Cate watered Marty’s plants, retrieved the mail, answered the phone, and made sure things were spiffy for Marty’s return.